Time doesn't really help
Well it has been almost 3 months. It is just starting to sink in that James Robert might really be gone. I don't see how that is possible. There is so much I want for him. He hasn't experienced so much. His time was so short it really isn't fair. I want to scream, cry, or maybe just die. Where did he go and why can't I follow? Oh I am trying to live, but it feels like a shallow shell. I know I should do this and that but I don't want to. I want to hide. I want to wake up and it all be a big nightmare. But, like always, what I want doesn't matter one whit. I get through the days by not thinking. Not believing. I took out all the air out of my boat and it felt like another piece of James Robert drifting away. How long till every thing drifts away and there is nothing left? How long till my memory fades and I can't remember his smile or the sound of his voice? My memory is far from perfect and it seems like as the days go by he gets farther and farther away from me. I try to call him back but when I do I hurt so bad. So if I forget him I can stave off the pain. Then I try and recall something and find out I can't remember what I was trying to remember. Pain or loss which one shall it be? Let him go forever or try and hold him close and feel the daggers taring at my soul and heart?
Replies
Oh my dear. Robert is with you. You won\'t forget.
I wish I had answers for you.
Your pain is so sharp right now. It is dreadful when the realization really hits us, that our kids are not coming back to this world. But I believe they are with us.
It is normal to have those feelings - anger, fear, loneliness and despair. I too wondered if I would forget. I haven\'t. But I do things to distract me. I began doing crossword puzzles, fanatically. When doing a puzzle, I was focusing on it and not on the horror I was living. I still do them.
I had great difficulty thinking for quite awhile. At meetings, I would sit dazed. Luckily my friends and colleagues were very supportive and tolerant.
I understand how hard it is to face each day. I seriously thought about suicide. But I could not do that to my family. They are in pain too.
I hope you are still getting help to cope. Just know that we are here and we care. Please don\'t hesitate to come on to FMO and let it all out. But don\'t feel obligated.
We are on this journey together but we travel it in our own way.
Love and caring hugs to you and Robert.
Marlene
At 3 months the pain is still so fresh and raw and horrific. I tried to convince myself Kala was away at school or on some fantastic vacation. Thinking she would never come home again was just too hard a thought for my heart....
I worried too about forgetting things. I have a terrible memory and alzheimer\'s disease robbed me of my grandmother and my mom....so it scares me still. What I finally have had to accept and embrace is the truth that even if I do forget some things...or even totally forget one day that I even have the most precious daughter ever....KALA REMEMBERS.
We all get through the days the best way we possibly can. And somehow, some day, we discover the road is not quite so hard and we can actually enjoy our life again.
It is not possible to \"let him go forever\". James Robert is a part of you, and you a part of him, forever. As time goes by and you continue doing what you\'re doing to help yourself heal, you won\'t feel the daggers so sharply or so often.
From my perspective, it\'s not so much that \"time heals\", it\'s more about what we choose to do with time. I could have sat in the darkness of my closet these past 7 years. Time would have continued to pass, yet I would not have begun to heal. It\'s only because of my choice to step outside of the closet and face my reality, that I am where I am today in my journey toward healing. I\'m in a good place. A really good place. But I fought tooth and nail to get here and it didn\'t happen instantly, and surely not at month 3.
So, my sweet friend, hang on and know you are healing and you are doing all you need to do and this intense, horrific pain you are feeling today will not always feel this way.
Much love and tight heart hugs~~
Love to James Robert!
time does help.... but it takes much longer,,,,,James will always be in your heart,,,, your mind will always remember his smile...love ya!
Your sorrow and grief are so very raw and how can this gapping wound that you have feel any other way...
All of these things that you wonder and fear I have as well and all I know after five and half years is that a mother\'s heart will never, ever forget her child. There is an innate knowing that will not be robbed from us and even if exact events may begin to fade a bit around the details the essence of your beloved James Robert is forever with you.
I agree completely with Teri that it is what we do with the time that allows us to heal. Each of us must sit in the darkness for awhile and even retreat there again and again, yet slowly when we are ready to emerge there are many hands ready to hold onto ours.
Even when you doubt it the most healing is happening... Much is occurring underground and is not visible yet like a seed growing its root system before it has the strength to emerge, such is the healing path. You will be \"breaking ground\" when you are ready and this timeline is just as unique as you are.
So much loving care coming your way today and in the days ahead. I know this is the hardest work of your lifetime and you are afraid. You are among other women who understand this language of grief, sorrow and finding hope once again. Hold on tightly and trust...
Hand in hand and Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
Several of the Moms who helped me the most have weighed in above. I am so profoundly sorry for your loss. I am 5 1/2 years down the grieving path and can share that while the path is not easy, I am standing tall and loving life again. There is hope. Right now, you have found our site and you have us to lean on for support. I swear to you that in time you will recall memories of you son and be able to smile. With grace, you will remember. Try and take it one day at a time and be gentle with yourself. We are here to help.
Gari
It seems that our time is completely topsy turvy now. We have to focus on just \"surviving\" what now is our life hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute but the time it takes to actually realize any form of \"relief\" of the crippling pain is measured in years. This path we walk now is most assuredly the hardest one we will ever encounter...just know that we are here with you, holding your heart gently in ours and loving your child and missing him along with you...Love and Hugs...Lynn
I remember all of the thinking, all of the questioning, how could it be.... There is not much more I can add to what the others have said, just nurture yourself and do the best you can for now.
Hugs,
Leda
Some days...after nearly 7 years...I ask...how can it be possible that Alex passed? I know three months feels like forever...but it is a blink of time. This is not a quick journey...it takes years...so allow yourself to go through each emotion that you are feeling right now. It has tapped your core and you have to look at so much...past, present and future. So...one moment at a time. And...I know you think you have not made progress...but you have...the pain you have right now is somehow different from that first day. Gentle care...love and hugs...heart to heart...Karen (Alex\'s mom)
I agree, at three months, I was just trying to remember to breathe. Don\'t expect anything of yourself, just breathe. Sending you prayers, love and strength! Lynette _ Matthews mom
As time goes by you will remember more. I find myself thinking of good memories, when he was young and as he grew up. Now I can smile instead of cry at these memories. You will evolve in your own way and time. The pain gets to be bearable not so sharp. Give yourself 3 years to be able to cope not just 3 months. I was lucky just to be able to go to work and get something done.when I was at the 3 month mark. I would sit in the office and cry. I was dealing with a new grandson who looked just like his daddy ( a dad he would never know) and Tara who could not cope. My daughter Alyssa waited 8 months to start to grieve and burned many bridges with friends. This is not an easy journey it is a long journey. Give yourself time and go easy on yourself, we are all in it for the long haul.
Sending you hugs Penny (mikes mom)
So tough -- I can understand some of what you are feeling. When I start to think of Jackson, I feel physically sick and try to push my mind away from that. It\'s such a struggle with feeling pain and not feeling and I think we are going to be caught in these waves of different feelings for a long time. At least you are not alone.....
It has been two years and six months, since my son died. I still have to make myself not think of him, as the pain knocks the breath out of me. I still pretend that he is at his house and will call me later. I know it isn\'t true, but somehow it helps me to survive.
Three months is too soon, to do anything, other than try to survive. Take baby steps and remember to breathe. For now, that is enough...
((((HUGS))))....Julia
I don\'t know if you got the link from Roslyn... but the last words of the video were \" They want you to know: \" I love you, I am not gone, I am here right beside you, you may not see me, but I am here.\"
This is so true.. all the winks (as Teri calls them) be it a song, a flower, a butterfly, a penny, a rainbow... they are all signs that our children send to let us know they ARE with us.. we can\'t see them, but they ARE with us...
Hugs, MaryLou