Time

It has been a long time, well like a few weeks, since I have been on here. A big part of that is because I don't have an eating disorder, I just use food as a coping mechanism. I don't like coming on here because it means facing my feelings and thoughts towards food and I'd rather just ignore it and see where it takes me.

It's embarrassing because I feel like I have a problem, and then there are weeks where I'll binge and think "wow what the heck, I don't even have an issue. If anything I'm too fat." And so here I am, thinking I just need to stop thinking and journaling about food and I just need to focus on other things.

I am really trying to take care of myself though and I know that means eating healthily and changing my perception of food and my body.

Last week I had a really bad panic attack that felt out of the blue - it was the first time I had one since mid-January. This week I find myself wanting to control my food and eat only one meal a day. It's been hard to do though without snacking and I feel like a failure - a fat failure. Funny how twisted our thoughts can become, huh? My body needs food yet I feel like a failure when I feed it. I feel like a failure because I want self-control abe control over my body.

I am seeing a doctor this Thursday to talk about my panic attacks and see what she says about depression/anxiety medication. I'm not sure how I feel about mediciation for me, but I do want help. I'm also nervous because I want to lose weight before the appointment so I can see how much I weigh. I haven't weighed myself for probably a month now and I'm scared I haven't lost weight.

Well now the thoughts are coming out and they are ugly but honest and I'm glad I have them out of me.