Thursday
It has now been 101 days since I quit smoking.
Today is class day. There is only like 3 weeks left of class. As I get closer to the end, I am noticing that I am starting to worry about what I will do when class is over. As hard as this road has been working full time and going to school and as much as I have to worry about how smashed he will be when I get home, it has also been time away from the house and now I am worrying about what it will be like when I am finally done with it.
Last night our oldest came over right as we were about to eat dinner. She was talking a hundred miles an hour in her typical fashion about her work, school, etc. I was listening to them talk and he was going on an on about moving to Oregon, as if it was a done deal. He always acts as if my opinion doesn't even matter..like because he decided it works for him, that it's just going to happen. ...and maybe it will...at least for him. I have been turning over the trip in my head and I just don't think I can handle the cold. After I got home from work yesterday, even though it was windy and supposed to have a storm coming in, I was so relieved be warm again. I have always been the sunshine girl. I remember when I first moved to Tucson and I immediately fell in love with the desert..there was no doubt. Granted, that was the pre-anxiety girl, but I don't think I should have so much doubt. I really miss that girl....the one who was not afraid to make a decision, even if it was a mistake.
I am still hopeful that as the time comes, and school ends, I will get some clarity as to what to do. I know things will probably never change and I should leave again. I have done it once, why am I so terrified to do it again? Because I give second chances and not any more than that. I know if I leave again, it will be for good. ...maybe because I don't have the same level of anger either, just a sad resignation of what I can see is to come. How pathetic this little life is..I wish it would end..but I know people like me deserve to be unhappy. Such a mousy little girl that has wasted so many years...so stupid.
Replies
Nobody DESERVES unhappiness...and how have you wasted all those years?
First of all, WOW, OMG, You hit triple digits on your not smoking thing! That is like awesome raised to the 101 power!
I loved the thing you said about you being the girl who was not afraid to make a decision, even if it was a mistake. Sounds like your son is the same way about his move to Oregon.
Hugs
We all make mistakes in life but, that doesn't mean we can't re-align our priorities and make better decisions for the future. L:ife is tough and sometimes we have to stop and ask ourselves, "do I want to continue in this type of lifestyle or do I want and need to make changes that will be the best for me, both emotionally and physically. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured. My first 30 yrs. were very hard for me. Physically, emotionally, and socially. I was an alcoholic, a drug user, a biker, an undesirable in my home town, and a hell raiser. Lives can change but, it takes determination and a lot of work. I am living proof of that. Now, I am back in my home town, that I left 35 yrs. ago. I am respected, accepted and I have even been called "a local legend" at present.