Thursday
It has been 73 days since I had a smoke.
I realized something last night, I am sometimes playing the ““What If”” game even when I don’t think I am. Random worries, about dumb things that come and go so fast, that I don’t always register that is what happened. I was letting Remi out for last time and looking at the stars…Remi went tearing off into the backyard in the dark, chasing something over the fence. I can hear her hit the fence and randomly worried that she would cut herself on something. I had a dog do that once and had to have surgery she cut herself so badly. I was thinking about a classmate that I recently tried to befriend, since I have class today and it hit me like a ton of bricks…I was playing the ““What If”” game.
Some of the thoughts went by so quickly that I almost didn’t recognize them, and not all of them were bad. There was a vague pressure of worry about class and not having my assignments done. They aren’t due yet, but I will worry it to death until I get them off my plate. Yesterday was Remi’s birthday. She is 10 now. Another random worry about how long she will be with me. There was also the “What If” I make a new friend? “What if” my comments and hugs helped even one person today? The “What If” game, in itself, is not bad. It just shows that people that have anxiety, and play this game, have very vivid imaginations.
As I lay down and tried to go to sleep, I was thinking about all those “What If”s...and the other ones that are my constant companions...what am I going to do after I graduate? Do I go back to AZ by myself? Do I even want to work on my relationship? Do I just find a way to have a horse here and try to stay? The pain of the past, present, and future, rolled around my head. Then, it dawned on me. The real problem…the reason all these things hurt is because underneath it all there is still hope. If you can learn to accept that things are the way they are, and let go of the hope, I don’t think they will hurt anymore...they will just BE.
Remi on her 10th Birthday
Replies
Please never let go of hope. We just need to learn how to direct our hope in ways that we can control. I can't control the political parties that seem to hate each other's very existence. But I can say hello to strangers and I can hope that some day a stranger will say hello to me, and maybe even hold that door open for me next time I go to the store. (The one without the automatic door.)
Love this picture! My chewy is about 7 years old, and he weighs about 18 pounds. A lot smaller than your Remi. And my little guy is very brave when the door is closed, but open the door and let him actually see that mailperson and he cowers behind me!
I personally think hope's the only thing that's unendurable from Pandora's box but nobody else quite gets that. If we never wanted anything better than what we've got, we'd be fine.
As to the what if game... Counter yourself with some other what ifs. For every what if, look for the equal and opposite what iff. What if Remi leaves you? - What if she never leaves you?
What if you get your degree? What if you DON"T get your degree?
What if you can't get a job? What if you CAN?
There are too many options. My mother, bless her she has her faults but she has her good bits too, used to say you can't make a decision 2 steps ahead, because when you get to your next step YOUR VIEW CHANGES. You have to learn to make choices on the fly. Take this decision: see it through. Then from that position, sit down,have a cup of tea, take stock and consider how things will go.
Bless her, another thing she does is sit still, between stages. And I do this too. I am sitting in this stage, between daughter at home and me flying solo... child's gone and I don't feel real. But I'm not racing off to parties and meetups. I'm waiting till I've shifted my guts to the new metaphysical space, and then I'll make a choice from that position.
Giving yourself permission to take time is really important. And giving yourself permission to say 'i don't know. But I reckon I will eventually so let's leave that till tomorrow...' is a skill worth learning.
What if Remi hits the fence? You'll take her to the vet.
What if Remi doesn't hit the fence?
Work all sides, and pretty soon it will seem so redundant, you won't work any sides at all. And then you'll be a potato like me. (PS it's St Patrick's day here so yay potatoes)