Thurs July 7th

Bad dreams..waking throughout the night.  Sleep has always been my escape now, lately, I either can't fall asleep or wake with the anxiety and bad dreams.  I wake, betrayed by my friends...sick to my stomach...am I sick?  but then I feel the tell tale tingling in my arms and chest and know that it's anxiety.  Back to sleep another hour or so...I wake...losing my apartment(oddly enough HE is does not even seem to exist in these dreams..just me and my beloved dog Remi) ..I sleep another hour...1:45 ..not time to get up yet..back to sleep again.  I wake...a friend betrays me...when I confront her about it she smiles and walks away...I think..that's normal for me...never let people get close to you.  I journal and tell people on daily strength things that I would never tell people I have met face to face. Finally, time to actually get up.  As the dreams start to fade and I see them for what they were my stomach finally starts to settle.
It is strange that I have such a bad night last night.  the girls returned from vacation yesterday and the house is once again filled with giggling teenagers.  He is in a very good mood having them home again.  He is never that happy to see me when I have been gone.  I know...they are his kids..it SHOULD be different...but the kids are growing up and soon have their own lives and I'm the one he is supposed to grow old with.  right? He tells them about being in the hospital and the oldest is angry for keeping it from them.  They don't complain very much when we explain about his new restrictive diet. 
One positive I suppose is that I am down to less than three cigarettes a day.  He has done very well with the quitting since he was released from the hospital and I don't want to be the reason he slips up so I guess I am trying to quit as well.