thoughts

So i have alot going on I have cancer, my son has cancer and my wife just left me.  waking up every day is becoming harder to do.  each day my eyes open i cry becuase i want all the pain to go away.  i have complelty lost my self from who i used to be to who i am now.  I was a marine and my life had meaning now i'm not in the serivce i feel less of a person becuase i can be what i was.  my wife left me and it hurts so bad.  she left me for someone else the weekend before i started treatment.  so not only am i fighting for my life which at this point death seems like a goal and not somthing i should be trying to beat.  i have really bad ptsd and i'm fighting alot of demons in my own head.  but trying to figure out what went wrong. I hate feeling like i have zero meaning like i'm worthless.  i was happy, we were happy i was sick but i had something to fight for.  i'm loosing what i had, HOPE.  the amount of pain im in is becoming over welming to the point that i often see exits.  like i will be driving and see a bridge or a semi coming in my direction and it would take much to end it.  i see escapes and i'm affraid to take them but at the same time thats all i think about.  then i think about what would happen when i died what happens.  is it more pain is it just nothingness.  to many what if's to actually pull it off.  then i wonder if people would even know im gone.  would they actually show up and remember me for who i used to be and not what i am now.  i konw im a mess now but as i said i was something i was somebody.  being alone in my home that we bought together and knowing she isn't coming thru the door any more makes me sick.  i hate what my life has become.  i wish it would just fix it self but i'm not that lucky. I know i'm not alone.  but i often here go to the va hospital they have services i'm here to tell you it's crap they think they help but they dont they make you feel worse that your depressed.  they make you feel like your wrong for asking for help.  thats why there are some many service men and women killing them selves.  i think about it everyday the stuff i have seen in my service makes everyday living extremly tough.  i want to end it every day. i want to be ok i want to be normal. but i can't be normal ever again.  pills do not work for me i take so many pills for cancer and it affects me to the point that i already feel dead anyways.  I feel so dead inside.  she did a number on me when she left and never came back.  i think about her everyday and i'm not ok with what she did or what she is doing.  it kills me in side.  i wish i was dead i wish for no pain.  it's almost selfizh becuase i wish that pain on others that if i died they would think what could i have done to prevent this.  and i often think that.  not just how i feel but how can others feel the pain that i feel.  i want people to just have a taste of my everyday thoughts.  it scares me on most days.