Thought I was doing ok

I thought I was making steps in the right direction, but today I'm falling apart again.  I woke up crying and now I can't seem to stop.  I miss Gene every moment of every day and it doesn't seem to get any easier for me.  It's not that I'm not trying to move forward.  I walked down to watch the fireworks last night by myself.  It's the first time I've actually felt lonely.  There were so many people around and there I was standing all by myself watching the world go on, everyone having so much fun.  Maybe it wasn't such a good idea.  Then I've been washing Gene's laundry for the last two days.  I've got it nearly done just one more load to fold.  I'm truly trying to make some kind of life out of this mess I'm in, but today all I can seem to do is cry and I'm missing Gene so much. It's like a knife stabbing my heart. Ok.  Trying to pull myself together now.  I'm going to go weed the garden and get through a load of paperwork that's been waiting for my attention.  Hope you all have a great 4th of July.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Hi Carol - I know what you mean about feeling lonely. I can be in a group of people at any kind of function or gathering, and I feel like one in a sea of two\'s. I think having to do the laundry may be kicking it off for you....when I did Russ\', just for a moment it felt normal, and then it hit me that this was the last time I\'d ever DO his laundry. So, yeah, it\'s really hard. Hang in there...I\'m right there with you!!
Love,
Judy
deleted_user
deleted_user

Hi Carol,
Despite being alone and lonely, I am happy that you got yourself out yesterday.
I feel your pain, you know that. I miss Rich so much I ache all over!
But I will tell you, I swear he was with me and the family yesterday when the boat we were in almost capsized. It was a frightening moment, but somehow we escaped when the boat righted itself when it seemed impossible for that to happen. My granddaughter and I both thought immediately that God and Rich saved us from drowning.
So don\'t think you were watching the fireworks alone, Gene was there with you!
I believe it, now for sure!! Love you and have a peaceful day of weeding! Mo
feliciac
feliciac

OH honey, I saw my mom and, also, my step-mother experience the exact same emotions you are having. I have found this to be true, but it seems like the first year is the hardest due to looking at what you did last year and those memories involved our loved ones. Next year will be memories that you have now. If that makes any sense? I also know that most people who lose someone they love find that all of the sudden it has been a year and they can\'t believe how quickly time has passed. Where my mom was able to move on after my step father died, my step mother has never and my dad died the week of the attacks (9/11). She seems to isolate herself from the world because of the exact feelings you had going to see the fireworks yesterday. One thought I had when I was drinking coffee outside this morning was this, and it was regarding my mom and how sick she has been the last 2 weeks and perhaps I was just trying to convince myself in a way, \"the body might be gone but the spirit is always alive.\" I love you so much and actually am feeling your pain (in a way that might not be exact because I have never been married) because I have seen it so often. My mom and I are very active with hospice. I work with the children who lose brothers, sisters, mom\'s, dad\'s and grandparents to cancer and other terminal illnesses. Their pain is so deep. One thing we do is write a message on a balloon and then release it up to the sky. They watch with all of their might until you can no longer find it and they all smile because once the balloon is out of sight, they believe their message reached their loved on in heaven. Might sound kind of immature but even with I did it at the next hospice camp (after my dad died and I also wrote a message) I smiled. I\'m also here for you like your other friends and you know you can always call me. Love you and an extra big hug!
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn

Carol, I know it doesn\'t help but I went though the same thing. So many things can trigger the loss and we start feeling sad and lonely all over again. It\'s so hard, and I\'m so sorry. I remember having to pull over in my car because a couple went by on a motorcycle and it hit me. Don and I will never do that again.
Be kind and take care of yourself. I\'m here if you need encouragement. Big hug to you. Sharon
JudiB
JudiB

That feeling of loneliness is unavoidable. Let\'s face it, we weren\'t for a very long time and now we\'ve been pushed into a life with only one and like everything else it\'s going to take time to get used to it - in ADDITION to every other emotion that we have to deal with in this new journey that we\'re not familiar with. I know it\'s hard, I know it\'s not where any of us chose to be but it\'s what we have now so there\'s no other choice but to just get through it any way we can. After 18 months for me I can tell you it was a real learning experience, literally - both emotionally and physically. I\'m not even all the way where I\'d like to be yet but I\'m alot further than where I was. I give you a thumbs up for making the effort to get out of the house and at least try to watch the fireworks. Try to focus on that positive more than the negative of how much it made you feel so alone. In this \"game\" of grief you are allowed to give yourself points for just about anything you get accomplished even if it\'s just getting out of the bed in the morning. So far, I think you are doing wonderfully for how far along you are. Lots of love and encouraging hugs coming your way, Judi