Those who have experienced my pain are keeping my head above water
I may not have truly expected to lose my wife forever. I knew love took two but I always thought the power and purity of my love would inspire reciprocal feelings. Naive? Supremely. And unbelievably arrogant.
15 years of my love and this happens? I truly love her. I try to be kind and thoughtful. I am romantic when I can be. Most who know us say I spoiled her as I would enjoy trying to surprise her with little gestures of love.
Now I look at myself with fearful eyes. How can I be so horrible in her eyes? I've worked on myself this year and lost about 80 lbs. I still have more to lose but am I that abhorrent? I know. I'm boring and routine but maybe the sex was unbearably so. Why would she throw this all away not only for us but our children? I'm only interested in her but surely I could not risk trying to interest another later. Does this show how little I have to offer?
Her words still rip at my heart, "I cannot keep living like this."
15 years of my love and this happens? I truly love her. I try to be kind and thoughtful. I am romantic when I can be. Most who know us say I spoiled her as I would enjoy trying to surprise her with little gestures of love.
Now I look at myself with fearful eyes. How can I be so horrible in her eyes? I've worked on myself this year and lost about 80 lbs. I still have more to lose but am I that abhorrent? I know. I'm boring and routine but maybe the sex was unbearably so. Why would she throw this all away not only for us but our children? I'm only interested in her but surely I could not risk trying to interest another later. Does this show how little I have to offer?
Her words still rip at my heart, "I cannot keep living like this."
Replies
I feel you pain. Have been thru your posts. Your story is very similar to mine. My husband blindsided me after 14 years, 27 together and 2 kids. While our lives were boring (work and kids) and I knew we were\'t completely connected, it seemed no worse than any of our friends with young kids. We rarely fought. I too likely to think of surprises and ways to be together. As it all came tumbling down, I was horrified to learn that the things I did to connect, repulsed him. He had checked out 4 years previous, had an emotional affair. So, the closer I tried to get, the more he pushed me away.
Upshot, he left me for the OW.
I was grief-stricken. I\'m sure you are too. Grief is a crazy emotion. It is wild, unbearably intense. It will have you spinning for a long time yet. For me, it was a full 15 months.
But things do get better. You ask \"what is wrong with me\"? Someday, a long time from now perhaps, you will know it isn\'t you. It is her. Truly. And you can not control someone else\'s crazy.
For myself, I\'m just embarrassed it has taken me this long to see my ex as he truly is. It is embarrassing to have been so blind.
But, embarrassed is better than grief stricken.
This point in time is so intense, and the grief so overwhelming, that hearing us say it will get better doesn\'t make it any easier. We\'ve all been there. Just getting through each day, complete with many tears, is challenging. Your thoughts are consumed with her, and with analyzing what you could have done wrong, and if there is any way to save the marriage.
In time, you will regain your self-esteem, and the grief will be bearable, your recovery will be in full swing, and you will gain PERSPECTIVE. It takes a long time - for some of us 12 to 18 months. The journey is long and difficult, but you\'ll see her for what she is, and the choices she made, and you\'ll know you did all you could and were willing to work on it, but she wasn\'t, You\'ll become comfortable with yourself, and regain self-esteem. You\'ll detach from her, and you\'ll move forward, and you\'ll find happiness.
Go easy on yourself, and accept that these intense emotions are normal, and you must go through them to get to the other side. You\'ll be there for your children, and as a good father, will be loved and respected by your children as you give them some stability and shape them into confident, kind, people.
It will be extremely difficult, but you need to focus on you and your children at this time. You need to discover who you are as your own person, not as her husband. I wish you healing and strength to make this journey and come out the other side in a much better place.
Thank you both for the desperately needed support. One of the oh so many problems I face in trying to cope is that accepting your words in my heart in order to move forward seems to hinge upon one thing that is beyond my ability right now: letting go of the woman I love. I know that woman IS there somewhere inside her. I see it in those deep brown eyes that touch me to the soul. I feel that if I give up... If I lose hope... If I turn my back to everything I value... That woman I love so much will cease to exist and pass away leaving someone else entirely... A stranger. I just can\'t. Not yet. Even if fighting it causes me such pain.
It took me 2 years of trying to make him happy. Emotionally, he was already gone. It was an emotional roller coaster for those 2 years. I never wanted to give up as we have been together since I was 17 years old!!! 40 years together, I couldn\'t let go. ... I had no choice, even when he is here, ... He\'s not here. ... My long drawn out point is ... It isn\'t about you or what you have or have not done ... It is about her. 2 people that love each other & are both willing to work on their marriage can make it. I believe that whole heartedly, but ... If 1 person isn\'t willing to participate, it will never work. And usually there is a 3rd person involved, so the 1 waters a different garden. :( Prayers to you & yours. Hopefully she will rethink her actions.