This is working
So, that fantastic mood I was in after I got depressed a few months ago... I got it back. And I'm calmer this time around because I know how I did it. I was just trying too hard and stress can't be fixed with more stress. My social anxiety has been the main thing on my mind, but I finally figured out where it comes from. That anxiety has always been this sort of out of focus blob but now I can see it clearly. That's been my goal for the past five straight months and all this work is really starting to come together now.
So here it is: I have a fear of abandonment/rejection. I have no reason to have that fear anymore, but it's still been there and it still makes me constantly feel like I'm pushing people away. I've been trying to find a rational explanation for it, but it isn't rational and I wasn't able to see that because I was so disconnected from the emotions behind it. Working on reconnecting with my emotions over the past week has helped me finally see that fear for what it is and I was able to see it in action today.
When I'm talking to someone, I'm spending the whole conversation running around my head trying to be 10 steps ahead, fixing everything, instead of listening to what the other person is saying or even thinking about what I'm saying right then. I said something today and then realized that it wasn't "me" who said it. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary. I can't even remember what I said now. I remember that I watched my mouth say it, but I didn't put the words in it. It was like an answering machine, just a prerecorded message programmed to play at the right time and I was just listening to it while I was somewhere in the back of my mind scrambling to put out imaginary fires. I've had days like this here and there, where I can be present in conversations, but never on purpose before. I've tried to do it on purpose, but putting in more effort only brought me further away. Why does anxiety feel so much like its own solution?
Like everything else so far, noticing it has gotten me 90% of the way there. I spent most of the day trying to be mindful of it and I've been quicker to refocus myself with each attempt. I think I'm well on my way to crossing my anxiety in conversations off my todo list. I still have anxiety in crowds and anxiety about strangers. I feel like the first one is really just an extension of the second and I've made good progress on it with what I've started today. I'm going to work on this for a few days and then see where I am.
Replies
Hurrah for finding a method that works to balance and calm!
I try to work on this too Matt. I am not my anxiety or my thoughts. I try to be present. Work in progress.
Wow, I'm with Loo, I'm going to try what you're doing, too, Matt. You're proof it works. I want to be present to the present as well. Looking for progress as I work on it.
I'm happy to have inspired you a bit. Keep in mind I've been using mindfulness without realizing what I was doing for years and this is just me finally figuring out how to apply it the right way, so don't be discouraged if it takes time. I would recommend looking into mindfulness meditation if you haven't already. Pulling yourself out of your head and back to the present takes practice.
Yes it’s a great tool isn’t it? I did a mindfulness meditation CBT course many years ago but let my practice go for a long time. Kept the mindfulness mostly but forgot the meditation. I’m puzzled why I would do that when I feel so much better doing it. I’m finding guided meditations on YouTube better at the moment so my mind doesn’t wander so much. Back on track now. Happy it’s helping you too.
I count myself lucky that the same day in 1995 that I was diagnosed with PTSD my therapist also sent me to join a weekly meditation group. I stuck with my weekly PTSD therapy after that, but where I made the most progress with my PTSD at first for the next 5 years was in that meditation group, not in therapy. That was because I wasn't willing to talk in therapy about combat as a kid and torture as a teen until I got used to having those memories come to the forefront of my own mind. That's what mindfulness did for me.
I'm learning how to process my PTSD (which I don't think I've ever shared), and accept the anxiety attached to it, through what each of you is sharing about mindfulness. I've never been able to do meditation, because I am not able to hear the instructions when learning it and one of my goals is to find an alternate way to learn it and work it, because I think it would give me an excellent tool to recover the balance that often goes haywire in the overwhelming memory walk.
I don't do guided meditation or anything and mindfulness meditation is a little different anyway. Just take a few minutes every day to focus on your breathing. Whenever you notice that your thoughts have drifted off to something else, just bring your focus back to your breath. Don't judge your thoughts, don't get angry or upset that you wandered somewhere else. That's just more thought. Just let your thoughts stop mid sentence and go back to your breathing. It's like a muscle and the more you use it, the better you get at it and the less you have to think about it. Like muscle memory for the mind. I do probably about 20 minutes of actual meditation a day, but I practice it all the time now while I'm doing other things. I've been getting less frustrated with work because I focus on what I'm doing instead of what I think about what I'm doing. My memory tends to be awful thanks to zoning out all the time. Driving is the most obvious example of that, so I've been trying to pay attention to what's going on around me when I'm driving and then recalling it later. I've been able to remember specific details about entire trips that would have just been a blur to me before. I try to watch videos without getting absorbed in them and losing track of time, but that's a little different. There isn't a specific thing I focus on, it's just holding on to a feeling that I can't really describe. You just have to be able to recognize what it feels like to be in the present and that comes from practice.
I don't know if this is going to be relatable to anyone, but my experience with dissociation has felt like an addiction. It feels like I need it and when I don't do it for while, I even start to crave it. I just want a few minutes to myself to retreat into my mind and think about something. I would describe it as "binge thinking". I've been pushing through those "cravings", staying present even when it's uncomfortable, when I can feel the thoughts in my head starting to get restless, and it's been getting easier. Dissociation isn't the kind of thing you can just quit, though, and it does have its uses. I've been trying to make time to let myself get lost in thought and that's where more traditional meditation can be useful. In the same way that I don't let my stomach set the schedule for when I eat, I don't let my mind set the schedule for when I think. I do it when it's convenient for me.
Ah. This is what I do, so it makes sense. It's normal to me. I think it's a lot to do with my hearing aids and the silence I have when I take them out-I take a few moments to adjust in putting them in and then again when taking them out. Never considered it mindfulness, just adjustment.
Thanks for explaining it in your words. Gives me a picture of how it works.