This is hard

I've spent the last few days trying to identify my emotions and avoid dissociating. I think I went too far and now I feel pretty depressed. I went to bed early last night thinking I would feel better in the morning. That didn't work. I ended up calling out of work today to take some time for myself and try to get my thoughts sorted out. I'll see how I feel in the morning. It turns out when you stop dissociating to deal with your emotions and you don't have a healthy alternative, it kind of sucks. My bad moods are usually just slightly irritable, unable to focus, and easy enough to ignore so I don't take it out on others. The past couple of days I've been very irritable, very focused (though most of that focus is used on staying mindful), and trying very hard not to be passive aggressive. I know exactly what caused it, though, and I usually don't so that's a positive to focus on. I just realized that as I was writing it and it was immediately helpful actually. I've been able to turn my bad moods around sometimes if I can reframe it so that it feels useful instead of just dragging me down. I think I just did that.

That just reminded me of something somewhat related and writing about it might help me figure out more about it. Back in February, right after my friend's brother's house burned down, I got pretty depressed about it. I think I know more about it now. At first, it didn't feel real. That's my usual response to something like that. Dissociation. And I think that's also pretty normal. I didn't see her for about a week after it happened and I felt fine for that week. As soon as I saw her though, the reality set in. I don't think I could let myself dissociate from a friend's problems like that. My problems, sure. But a friend? I think it subconsciously felt a little selfish to distance myself from it. So I couldn't dissociate my way around it and I couldn't dissociate in general because it was the only thing on my mind. The only way to avoid it was to stay busy, focused, present, and I ended up feeling better than I had felt in a long time. I remember a specific moment when I did let myself stop to think about it where I realized that I felt bad, but I felt good about it. It was sort of a relief to be able to empathize like that because I usually don't. There have been times in the past where I've thought I might be a psychopath or something because I just didn't empathize when I knew I should. And now I know why. Feeling good about feeling bad sort of pulled me out of the mini depression I was in. As messed up as I've been at times, I've never let it stop me from being optimistic. I think that might be something I can use to help with moods like this. Finding the positive in the negative. It's worth a try.