this is a lot harder than I thought it would be. FUCK
This is much harder than I thought it would be. I thought it would be easy and no problem to just go ahead and eat more, but it's not. It's fucking hard. Much harder than I thought it would be. I thought it would be easy. I thought I could easily do it and there would be no problem. WRONG. I am so uncomfortable both physically and emotionally. After each meal the emotions come streaming out. I have been more agitated by people. Everyone and everything agitates me. After meals today (minus breakfast because that was pretty normal) I started shaking. Then I would cry- I don't know why, it sounds pathetic but it just happened. Then the anxiety would raise and my heart would start beating so fast it feels like it's going to pop out of my chest.
I have cried so many times today. It's so much harder than I thought. Yesterday when I agreed to do this I felt like it was going to be no problem at all. I felt that the only thing I would be paranoid about was the number on the scale. I almost don't give a fuck about that number right now because I am hurting so bad and so miserable emotionally and physically. Why am I like this?!?!!? I have to do this so I don't lose everyone, but it's physically and emotionally harder than anything I have done before.
And I end this in more tears.
I have cried so many times today. It's so much harder than I thought. Yesterday when I agreed to do this I felt like it was going to be no problem at all. I felt that the only thing I would be paranoid about was the number on the scale. I almost don't give a fuck about that number right now because I am hurting so bad and so miserable emotionally and physically. Why am I like this?!?!!? I have to do this so I don't lose everyone, but it's physically and emotionally harder than anything I have done before.
And I end this in more tears.
Replies
That is good that you are having anxiety. That means that you are pushing your problems away and dealing with them instead of turning the other way. The more you sit with the anxiety and just work through it, the easier it will be. There used to be a show on A&E that was about anxiety - not even necessarily eating stuff - it it showed how once you started facing the anxiety and actually making yourself uncomfortable, the easier it gets each time. I swear it will get better. While I haven\'t done it recently (I totally need to), I used to do this with my husband in trying challenge foods or doing stuff that I didn\'t like and it really was less anxious each successive time. I know you can do it.
Refeeding is always tough, like you said physically painful and emotionally dragging you down. I could never do it on my own. I always needed the force of IP to justify all the food and not feel too guilty. I think it\'s only possible on your own when you catch it real early. So if you can do it more power to you girl. The pain will get better with time, I don\'t know how long it takes to accept your body at least halfway, but I\'m at least at a place where I eat because I have to and I never want to feel as close to death as I have been. You have every right to cry and be anxious. I hope you will continue.
i have never had to refeed so i only know what its like from people on here. i do know it is very difficult and painful and a lot of strength to keep going. cry all you need and get the feelings out and i would be anxious too. many hugss
It sucks. Its worse than at SP. I don\'t care about te weight now- just being so nauseous and shaking after eating. It\'s too fucking hard. I don\'t know if u can do it. I wasn\'t such a mess like this at SP. About to go In to see Joanna. Im going to read her this entry