things that happen
last night he fell asleep on the couch. we've been talking, and we've been considerably closer and actually affectionate the past couple of days, but i still want to give him his space.
i took a shower, came out and stroked his hair. he was out cold. i went into the bedroom and went to sleep. i woke up to him opening the door.
"what's going on?" he asked. "i woke up and you're in here sleeping."
he looked confused, and something else that i can't quite explain, like lost or even scared. i didn't say anything about giving him his space, i just reassured him that i had been petting his head and that he didn't budge because he was sound asleep, and so then i went to bed. this seemed to sit well with him, and he climbed into bed and went back to sleep. he didn't seem like a lost little boy anymore after he heard this.
there's something about this that gets to me. i can't explain what it is, exactly. maybe that has something to do with the way i suppress things that hurt. even though it was only momentary, i didn't like to see him like that. and yet, on the other hand, it triggers my maternal urge to nurture and protect him, to make him feel safe. maybe i am the right one for him.
or maybe i just saw something that wasn't really there.
i took a shower, came out and stroked his hair. he was out cold. i went into the bedroom and went to sleep. i woke up to him opening the door.
"what's going on?" he asked. "i woke up and you're in here sleeping."
he looked confused, and something else that i can't quite explain, like lost or even scared. i didn't say anything about giving him his space, i just reassured him that i had been petting his head and that he didn't budge because he was sound asleep, and so then i went to bed. this seemed to sit well with him, and he climbed into bed and went back to sleep. he didn't seem like a lost little boy anymore after he heard this.
there's something about this that gets to me. i can't explain what it is, exactly. maybe that has something to do with the way i suppress things that hurt. even though it was only momentary, i didn't like to see him like that. and yet, on the other hand, it triggers my maternal urge to nurture and protect him, to make him feel safe. maybe i am the right one for him.
or maybe i just saw something that wasn't really there.
Replies
you are doing a lot better than most people would under the circumstances. one night i left my passed-out cold wife sleeping on the sofa in the living room and went to bed. when she woke a few hours later, she came into the bedroom and smashed me in the head with a pillow while i was asleep. i awoke, confused and terrified, into what seemed like a shrieking hell. She wanted to know why i did that to her. After deciphering that my crime had been going to bed without dragging her along, i went to bed in the bathtub with the bathroom door locked, because after that, I could not get the idea out of my mind that she could just as easily have killed me, and I couldn\'t stand being around her for awhile. Of course, my reaction did not help her mood at all .
wow. i really can\'t say i blame you for hiding out. i wonder if this is a common theme to bpd? weird, too, cuz before the latest shit hit the latest fan, i would bug him about getting off the couch and coming to bed, and he would resist, etc, saying he\'d be in soon and so forth. i guess he needs that, even if he seems annoyed with it at the time.
i was thinking about what i felt, and it was empathy. and i guess that\'s why it hurts to see him like that. cuz it hurts me... he just looked so vulnerable and fragile in that instant.