Things just are not getting better
Don't think I mentioned this before but Bill (from langley crew) asked me if I would be interested in coaching for the first week in March while Mike is on travel. I got really excited by this!! I said my first reaction was hell yes, but I need to check and see if it would work with my schedule etc. He said he still needed to run it by the board. This morning I received an email from him saying that "other arrangements have been put into play for the period Mike will be absent". Well I asked Marian (my like adopted mom, blair's mom) if there was a board meeting this past week and she said no. She asked why, I told her, and she said that she had not heard anything about this. My thought is that He probably went to Mike with this idea and Mike said FUCK no. I'm so upset by this. SOOOO FUCKING UPSET. I read this right before seeing joanna this morning and balled my eyes out.
I also got a flier in the mail for a speaker presenting at Sheppard Pratt in February who is a rower!! She has recovered from an eating disorder. I really wanted to see this until I found out it was at SP. Now I am scared shitless because of where it is. I have no idea if I should go or not.
After seeing Joanna this morning I wrote this to her...
"Joanna,Im in another uncontrollable crying episode shit. Ive managed to calm down a little, but this is ridiculous.A few things that could of aggravated this to happen. First for some reason I left your office this morning feeling like I was going to cry. And I did but couldn't understand why. There was no reason. Though I did feel like I didn't accomplish anything in our session for some reason. How do I respond to bill? am so mad still. I feel like I need closure. I need to respond but how. I'm so fucking pissed. Now I really want to send something to Mike or bill, like what I had written previously. I need to know what these other arrangements are and why.What if something like Wednesday night happens again? What do I do? It's not right. I know I would of cut had there been a way for Carlos to of not found out. But there is no way to hide things. And purged if I had food in my stomach. I guess its a good thing which is what I should focus on but I'm having a hard time doing that.I feel so out of control with my life.I want your opinion with whether I should go to the speaker at sheppard Pratt. I want my Swiss army knife Back that I gave you last year. How come you only work in the afternoons/ evenings and the mornings on Fridays? I have so many questions that are spinning in my head that I need answers to.I'm too scared of the possibility of having to change therapy times and whether things will work out. I like mon,wed, fri and don't want to change it.Lastly My mom watched the dr Phil show yesterday. Yet another one rg eating disorders. He is my mothers idol. She loves him and believes every word he says. He is her idol and she says that. I despise him and feel that he is full of shit. But yesterday I guess he made a statement that people choose to have eating disorders. Yes you choose to fight it or not...but I feel that everyone says you don't just say "I want to have an eating disorder". I believe it is classified as a mental illness, which I told my mom and she didn't believe it. I told her you said it when she was there and she was like "well I don't remember every little bit of information." which I get. She also said that she is not up to date with all information on eating disorders and doesn't get it all.It just bothers me that my mom believes every little fucking thing she hears about this shit. To me it's clear that I am not living up to her expectations and that I should just be better now. Maybe I should be but I'm not. I guess it's just me, but I feel like a mother should be upto date on something her daughter is going through and try to understand thigs. I feel like whenever I say something to her it is completely new information. I guess I'm just expecting too much.Regardless- I am beyond upset again and am crying ridiculously. This is so stupid. I'm even with Charlie, the dog I love and I'm crying. I can't stop even when I try. I don't know what to do with any of these things.This sucks and I want to stop this. I don't know what to do. I feel lost.Steff"
I also got a flier in the mail for a speaker presenting at Sheppard Pratt in February who is a rower!! She has recovered from an eating disorder. I really wanted to see this until I found out it was at SP. Now I am scared shitless because of where it is. I have no idea if I should go or not.
After seeing Joanna this morning I wrote this to her...
"Joanna,Im in another uncontrollable crying episode shit. Ive managed to calm down a little, but this is ridiculous.A few things that could of aggravated this to happen. First for some reason I left your office this morning feeling like I was going to cry. And I did but couldn't understand why. There was no reason. Though I did feel like I didn't accomplish anything in our session for some reason. How do I respond to bill? am so mad still. I feel like I need closure. I need to respond but how. I'm so fucking pissed. Now I really want to send something to Mike or bill, like what I had written previously. I need to know what these other arrangements are and why.What if something like Wednesday night happens again? What do I do? It's not right. I know I would of cut had there been a way for Carlos to of not found out. But there is no way to hide things. And purged if I had food in my stomach. I guess its a good thing which is what I should focus on but I'm having a hard time doing that.I feel so out of control with my life.I want your opinion with whether I should go to the speaker at sheppard Pratt. I want my Swiss army knife Back that I gave you last year. How come you only work in the afternoons/ evenings and the mornings on Fridays? I have so many questions that are spinning in my head that I need answers to.I'm too scared of the possibility of having to change therapy times and whether things will work out. I like mon,wed, fri and don't want to change it.Lastly My mom watched the dr Phil show yesterday. Yet another one rg eating disorders. He is my mothers idol. She loves him and believes every word he says. He is her idol and she says that. I despise him and feel that he is full of shit. But yesterday I guess he made a statement that people choose to have eating disorders. Yes you choose to fight it or not...but I feel that everyone says you don't just say "I want to have an eating disorder". I believe it is classified as a mental illness, which I told my mom and she didn't believe it. I told her you said it when she was there and she was like "well I don't remember every little bit of information." which I get. She also said that she is not up to date with all information on eating disorders and doesn't get it all.It just bothers me that my mom believes every little fucking thing she hears about this shit. To me it's clear that I am not living up to her expectations and that I should just be better now. Maybe I should be but I'm not. I guess it's just me, but I feel like a mother should be upto date on something her daughter is going through and try to understand thigs. I feel like whenever I say something to her it is completely new information. I guess I'm just expecting too much.Regardless- I am beyond upset again and am crying ridiculously. This is so stupid. I'm even with Charlie, the dog I love and I'm crying. I can't stop even when I try. I don't know what to do with any of these things.This sucks and I want to stop this. I don't know what to do. I feel lost.Steff"
Replies
i would be so pissed about the coaching shit, what b.s. i think it might do you good to call and talk about it, but not with anger and yelling, that wont get ou very far, just reinforce what he thinks. thats quite the letter, to bad you couldnt of worked through some of this with joanne. you have been crying a lot lately and it is concerning to me. steph, i have to cut short comment, late for work, later
a lot was worked through with joanna, but there was sooo much more and not enough time :(
Why not call Bill and ask him about this situation and tell him you know there was no board meeting because the way I know you this will eat at you if you don\'t find out.
I definitely would go see the recovery speaker. When I was in IP those were my favorite times and you need all the encouragement you can get right now.
You know it\'s really none of your business why Joanna only works afternoons. And I\'m sure she would do her best to work something out.
And you know how I feel about Dr Phil\'s comment. He pissed me off royally and I\'m sorry that your mom believes what he says. She should read a book on ed from a real doctor. Hope your day gets better.
i know its none of my business- but my mind is curious. i have soo many questions i wish i could ask her.