Things are improving

I can't believe it.  Two of my best and only close friends that abandoned me ten years ago when I first got sick have gotten in touch with me again.  Patty contacted me last Friday via Facebook messenger and said she thinks of me often, remembers the fun times and so do her kids.  I didn't know how to respond at first.  She had repeatedly ignored my attempts to contact her over the years and I had missed her so much.  I waited a day and then said yeah we had some great times and I still promised if I ever won the lotto I would share it with her (it had been a running joke between us).  She then said she was sorry about my mom and wanted to know if I was free to do lunch next Saturday.  I sobbed hysterically before I could even respond I was so happy.  I told her about dad passing too and said lunch would be fine.  I warned her she was gonna be shocked to see me cuz I was fat at 200 lbs and she said she didn't care she just wanted to see me and she was fat too, lol.  I am so nervous about seeing her.  I hope I don't cry like a baby.  I'm just going to let her do the talking because I don't want to scare her off.  I have so missed her and her kids.  She named her youngest kid after me, that's how close we were.  We have known each other since we were 16 - shared everything.  I was so devastated when she ended our friendship and it took me a while to forgive and understand it all. 

The day after Patty and I messaged each other, I got a notice that Jonna had accepted my Facebook friend request that I had sent like 2 years ago.  Jonna and I had been friends for like 7 years.  We were both engineers, been raised by our dad's, and were so similar in personalities it was absurd.  I was her matron of honor in her wedding.  She totally didn't deal with me getting sick at all and cut me off quickly and ignored my repeated attempts at contacting her so I was shocked to see her accepting my friend request. Feeling brave after my interaction with Patty, I perused through Jonna's pictures and sent her a message about how great her kids were doing but that was to be expected considering how great their parents were.  Jonna and I messaged back and forth like nothing had changed between us for about five minutes.  It's just unbelievable.
 
I can't describe the range of feelings I'm having right now.  I loved these two friends so much and grieved so deeply at losing them.  I felt rejected.  I felt unlovable.  When I needed them the most they were not there.  I missed them.  It was worse than a death.  I'm not angry at them really.  I just can't stop crying over the possibility of a reunion/reconciliation of some sorts with both of them.  I'm trying to be realistic and not have any expectations but it is very hard. A itty bitty part of me feels some joy.

Other than that, I think my Effexor withdrawals are over.  Hallelujah.  Thank you God.  I can honestly say I feel better, more normal, now that I am off that drug.  It's suppose to be an antidepressant but it was a depressant for me, I suspect.  I don't feel numbed out like I use to.

I've been fairly productive around the house.  I can see the kitchen table for the first time in nearly four years.  I got the entry way hall closet cleared out of my parents stuff and am now able to store my stuff in it.  I got my office set up so I'm "organized" from a paperwork/bill/filing/etc standpoint which is a great mind relief.  I'm also cooking healthy meals and eating at regular times. Things are just better overall.  I'm hoping I can maintain this level of functionality without swinging manic or depressed.  We'll see.