these are the days I want to die
Things are just bouncing around my mind like a pinball machine.
Yesterday and today have both become lousy crappy ass days. Joanna said that it appears that I am sliding. This is not a good thing- how could I possibly let myself slide!? What the fuck? Joanna inisisted that I am not choosing to slide, for I am trying very hard not to. I am doing everything correctly even when my ED wants me to refuse food etc. She says it is not my fault. Soemtimes we just cannot control our mid and thoughts, so my goal is to not let this bring me down. Don't let myself crtiicze myself and find my faults. Though at the same time I know that If I told (or if Joanna told) anyone else (ex. my paretns and carlos), tey would say that it is my fault and would berate me for it. I feel as though by saying its not my fault, is just making up excuses. But Joanna insists that this is not the case at this time...this was from last night.
Last night I tried really hard to not let myself blame myself and criticize myself for sliding down as Joanna said. Well, I didn't end up focusing on that which is great. But I did obsess over something else that Joanna said, and it is continuing to drive me crazy. She said that with the weight range of 110-115 that Jill and I set, that I was at one point over that since leaving the hospital. (and the number 118 is stuck in my head it big flashing neon lights.....literally that is what I see) Whether that is a mistake or not, it is driving me insane. That is all that is swirling around in my head at the moment. It is completely possible, but now I need to know. Plus Joanna remembers every little thing so it's hard for me to believe that it was a mistake.
I did not sleep for more than an hour total last night. Everything has seemed to go wrong this entire day- nothing has gone straight/correct. Now I know this is not true, and I feel bad for saying this; but I have to. It seems like days where I want to come in for a session and I have a lot of things on my mind, always seem to be the ones that get changed/cancelled etc. It almost makes me feel as though I am being put to a test, a test to see how strong I really am and how much control I truly have over my emotions. Well, clearly that answer is none.
Nothing seems to be going right for me at all right now and I am struggling a lot with everything. But I guess it will pass at some point..
Yesterday and today have both become lousy crappy ass days. Joanna said that it appears that I am sliding. This is not a good thing- how could I possibly let myself slide!? What the fuck? Joanna inisisted that I am not choosing to slide, for I am trying very hard not to. I am doing everything correctly even when my ED wants me to refuse food etc. She says it is not my fault. Soemtimes we just cannot control our mid and thoughts, so my goal is to not let this bring me down. Don't let myself crtiicze myself and find my faults. Though at the same time I know that If I told (or if Joanna told) anyone else (ex. my paretns and carlos), tey would say that it is my fault and would berate me for it. I feel as though by saying its not my fault, is just making up excuses. But Joanna insists that this is not the case at this time...this was from last night.
Last night I tried really hard to not let myself blame myself and criticize myself for sliding down as Joanna said. Well, I didn't end up focusing on that which is great. But I did obsess over something else that Joanna said, and it is continuing to drive me crazy. She said that with the weight range of 110-115 that Jill and I set, that I was at one point over that since leaving the hospital. (and the number 118 is stuck in my head it big flashing neon lights.....literally that is what I see) Whether that is a mistake or not, it is driving me insane. That is all that is swirling around in my head at the moment. It is completely possible, but now I need to know. Plus Joanna remembers every little thing so it's hard for me to believe that it was a mistake.
I did not sleep for more than an hour total last night. Everything has seemed to go wrong this entire day- nothing has gone straight/correct. Now I know this is not true, and I feel bad for saying this; but I have to. It seems like days where I want to come in for a session and I have a lot of things on my mind, always seem to be the ones that get changed/cancelled etc. It almost makes me feel as though I am being put to a test, a test to see how strong I really am and how much control I truly have over my emotions. Well, clearly that answer is none.
Nothing seems to be going right for me at all right now and I am struggling a lot with everything. But I guess it will pass at some point..
Replies
Do you think you are sliding. Sounds to me like you are doing great. What else can you do besides doing everything correctly. She can\'t possibly expect you to be thrilled about what you have to do. That would be asking a little much. Don\'t let that comment get you down. Continue what you are doing. I\'m really proud of you and please don\'t play that number game in your head, it is already driving you crazy. Not worth it.
personally i dont think you are sliding, you have been so good at doing all that the team has asked. i wish you hadnt heard that comment, number, as you dont need this right now as it is starting to play with your mind. try and refocus on how well your doing and that it is just a number, maybe not even correct, and who cares, you are getting healthy right? that is your number 1 prioity, you!!!!
I haven\'t been following my meal plan the past two weeks like I had been, and my desires to follow it are very slim. she did say i am doing everything i can, but she can notice that my eating disorder is slipping back in. i can to. all the crazy thoughts are back- and i am trying so hard not to act on them all.
Now that\'s a different story. You need to follow that plan religiously or you will be back in Ip sooner or later. You don\'t want this. Tell those crazy thoughts to take a hike and get back on track, maybe supplement if eating is too tough.
Try really hard not to let ED take over you again, follow your meal plan and keep trying your best. You are doing so well Tuxe, please don\'t let ED let you go backwards. Try to focus on a couple of things, positive things, and take each step and each meal if necessary one at a time.
Don\'t let the ED take your life over. I know that it is hard but follow your meal plan and eat like you should. It is hard not to fall down you have not fallen yet so come on girl pick yourself up and do the things that you should. Is it this time of year that bothers you. Does the season change triger your ED. Has your mother or someone in your family trigered your ED. Maybe if you can find or have someone you can eat at least 2 meals a day with that may help you out. Hope you had a great weekend