Therapy Thoughts from Today...
Do I get pleasure from pain? Am I one of those people? We think so...that's what we talked about in therapy (well for the 2nd half). The first half was about fucking food. Apparently what I thought was following the agreement was not. Apparently yesterday I had a light lunch and missed a snack...but my dessert made up for it. Today I only had breakfast and a lot of coffee before I saaw Joanna at 2pm. That was unacceptable. Bullshit. She stated that if I had a snack prior to seeing her and guranteed her I was having lunch after, then it would of been fine. Honest to goodness I forgot about the snacks she said I needed to have, but did tell her I had lunch in my car and was going to eat it. I was pissed and did not want to talk about fucking food- it's not going to get either one of us anywhere and is fucking pointless. If I wasn't trying then I wouldn't of eaten better like I have been since we made this damn agreement. And it's not like I purposely missed some things...but apparently it looked like that. FUCKKKKKKKKKKK
Anyways back to the pleasure from pain... Do I get pleasure from pain? We are leaning towards yes as the answer. Somethings make sense to agree with this answer, but others I just don't understand.
I feel as though sometimes I do get pleasure from physical pain, but not from everything I don't think. Yes I like the feeling of my stomach being empty. I like the pain from injurying myself purposefuly, or getting injured/hurt not on purpose. Hell, I laugh when I get hurt by accident! How fucked up is that?! I like it when I feel dizzy or lightheaded from lack of food- to me it means I am accomplishing something, though I never thought of it as pain, let alone getting pleasure out of it. Well I guess if I like it then it does make me happy. (side note: I need to come up with a new word for pleasure- I hate that fucking word!!) But why do I like all these things? It doesn't make sense. It is soo extremely fucked up! I mean in the past- even when having sex to make other people happy, if it was painful for me I did it anyways. Wouldn't a normal person beg to stop?
I also KNOW for a fact that I get pleasure and happiness and an extremely amazing feeling when others fail or get hurt. Today I passed a car accident and I laughed...what the fuck? I like it when other people fail, it makes me feel better. In fact I don't like it...I fucking LOVE it! Why? It's so wrong and inappropriate.
But...then yesteday and today I was getting upset and mad because I thought she was going to yell at me for doing something or get mad at me for something that I said or did wrong or didn't do. When in reality she wasn't mad or angry, I knew she wouldn't yell at me because she never does...but I still made myself get upset. Then today when she asked me about my eating and I told her and she said I didn't stick to our agreement I got mad and upset...but at the same time she said that I brought it upon myself because I didn't do it. There is no reason for me to of been mad at her or upset. After much discussion about this, she said, "Okay, well maybe you truly are upset about the food today, so we'll drop that. But, getting upset yesterday still doesn't make sense. It seems as though you were getting upset because you wanted to get upset. It seems as though you like getting upset." I did NOT like that being said. I strongly disagree and man did I make that known today. But as she kept talking, it started to make sense...yet I still don't believe it.
We then went back to the whole pleasure from pain discussion. She said that it would make sense if I got pleasure from being upset. I don't get it though and I said that. I asked her, "If that is true then why to I continue to be upset? It would make sense if I got happy afterwards, but I don't. The feeling of being upset or failing lingers." She said that yes, that is a good question.
So she asked me to think about this over this weekend. Think about where I get pleasure from pain. Think about if there is any way that I might get pleasure from being upset or being in fear that I will fail. I just don't think that's possible. She told me not to make a decision right away, but I think I have. I don't think I can ponder it longer. I don't see anyway. Does anyone else have any idea? How the fuck could that makes sense?!!?
Anyways back to the pleasure from pain... Do I get pleasure from pain? We are leaning towards yes as the answer. Somethings make sense to agree with this answer, but others I just don't understand.
I feel as though sometimes I do get pleasure from physical pain, but not from everything I don't think. Yes I like the feeling of my stomach being empty. I like the pain from injurying myself purposefuly, or getting injured/hurt not on purpose. Hell, I laugh when I get hurt by accident! How fucked up is that?! I like it when I feel dizzy or lightheaded from lack of food- to me it means I am accomplishing something, though I never thought of it as pain, let alone getting pleasure out of it. Well I guess if I like it then it does make me happy. (side note: I need to come up with a new word for pleasure- I hate that fucking word!!) But why do I like all these things? It doesn't make sense. It is soo extremely fucked up! I mean in the past- even when having sex to make other people happy, if it was painful for me I did it anyways. Wouldn't a normal person beg to stop?
I also KNOW for a fact that I get pleasure and happiness and an extremely amazing feeling when others fail or get hurt. Today I passed a car accident and I laughed...what the fuck? I like it when other people fail, it makes me feel better. In fact I don't like it...I fucking LOVE it! Why? It's so wrong and inappropriate.
But...then yesteday and today I was getting upset and mad because I thought she was going to yell at me for doing something or get mad at me for something that I said or did wrong or didn't do. When in reality she wasn't mad or angry, I knew she wouldn't yell at me because she never does...but I still made myself get upset. Then today when she asked me about my eating and I told her and she said I didn't stick to our agreement I got mad and upset...but at the same time she said that I brought it upon myself because I didn't do it. There is no reason for me to of been mad at her or upset. After much discussion about this, she said, "Okay, well maybe you truly are upset about the food today, so we'll drop that. But, getting upset yesterday still doesn't make sense. It seems as though you were getting upset because you wanted to get upset. It seems as though you like getting upset." I did NOT like that being said. I strongly disagree and man did I make that known today. But as she kept talking, it started to make sense...yet I still don't believe it.
We then went back to the whole pleasure from pain discussion. She said that it would make sense if I got pleasure from being upset. I don't get it though and I said that. I asked her, "If that is true then why to I continue to be upset? It would make sense if I got happy afterwards, but I don't. The feeling of being upset or failing lingers." She said that yes, that is a good question.
So she asked me to think about this over this weekend. Think about where I get pleasure from pain. Think about if there is any way that I might get pleasure from being upset or being in fear that I will fail. I just don't think that's possible. She told me not to make a decision right away, but I think I have. I don't think I can ponder it longer. I don't see anyway. Does anyone else have any idea? How the fuck could that makes sense?!!?
Replies
Ok, the food, Joanna is right. You need to set times that stay the same every day and you need to religiously follow them even if you have to it in her damn office. I just learned all about today. You can\'t make up for missed meal with the next one. It\'s a complicated process so I\'m getting into it but that\'s the way it is.
I understand the pleasure about self injury, it\'s a coping mechanism and I feel very similar about it. But what the heck: You scare the heck out of me that you enjoy other\'s pain and suffering. You need to tell whoever describes you your psych meds. I wonder if you could actually hurt somebody and get pleasure out of it. I can totally see that you would want to be upset. It\'s a form of SI and it gives you attention, negative attention but I think you don\'t care about that anymore. I\'m so worried about you. I hope you don\'t get mad but I wonder if you have a serious personality disorder. Please talk to a psych. You can\'t live like this and I\'m afraid that someday you might hurt yourself and go overboard and I don\'t want to lose you.
I hate to say this but Karrin is right. Maybe you really intended to eat but Ed made you not want to think about it and in the long run you will end up skipping if you don\'t stick to a plan. Even if you have set times a day to eat - just make sure to stick to them. I can tell that you are upset about having to talk about it with her but think about that for a second. You are going to her to talk about things and with your Ed it is natural that the topic will come up, even if for a brief moment. Why does it bother you to talk about it so much?
Could you maybe like getting pleasure from pain because that is the only way that you feel something? A lot of times we shut our emotions off and sometimes there are only one or two that we can actually feel for awhile. Even if it isn\'t the emotion we want to necessarily feel, we crave feeling it so that we can at least feel something -feel alive. When I was with my ex I craved feeling angry and would pick fights all the time to get some type of emotion from both of us. I hated how it made me act (sometimes like a crazy person) but at least I was feeling something. Or at least that is what my ED was telling me. I don\'t have any experience with hurting myself as I am too chicken but from what I understand it is a way to make you feel something. Kind of seeing a trend here? I do wonder if any meds could even this out for you or make it so that you can experience other emotions. Sometimes your journals seem like you are so angry at everyone - your friends, fiance, etc. Are you happy? I worry about you. There are so many beautiful things that you can benefit from. Even simple things like taking a walk, smelling flowers, petting your rats, etc. Try some of those things and see what emotions come up. I don\'t want you to miss out on all the wonderful things that are out there, you know?
first, i think you know when its time for the snacks, you are choosing to forget then get angry and upset when you are confronted by joanne. she is right you need to follow the plan, period. listen to karrin. i find it very troublesome that you find enjoyment out of other peoples pain and sufferings, please get checked out , as this is scary sounding and the anger is escalting. as jolie said, maybe pain is the only way for you to feel, talk and talk with joanne. many hugsss
The meds are fine. I\'ve always been like this and never seriously hurt anyone. But I guess I never really sat down and someone say to me that it looks like that.
I do get angry all the time. I used to always keep it in, but as joanna and i have talkeed about emotions and no matter what they are that i should let them out. So i do. I feel like I\'m some horrible person. Because if I cry- then it seems like i want someone to feel bad for me. If i\'m upset- then it seems like i want tsomeone to comofort and feel bad for me again. If I\'m angry- i just let it fly the fuck out!
Ya I do feel happy- at times. BUt it never lasts long.
To be brutely honest i dont give a flying fuck about the damn mealplan. I don\'t want any of it. I\'m just doing it because aparently in order to work and show that im trying (which i truly am even without eating) in therapy that I have to eat. Joanna first said follow Jills plan...3 meals, 2 snacks, 2 boosts (ideally jill wants 2 boost plus, but i said no fucking way). I told Joanna there was no way i was ahving any boost at all. So against her will she said that i could do 3 maels and 2 snacks. I have no problem with cereal/coffee/maybe fruit for breakfast...sandwich with turkey and mustrad for lunch, then a normal (typically light dinner) and usually some dessert. That\'s fucking fine. That\'s fucking normal.
Damnit, each day I get more and more confirmation that I truly am fucked up in the head.
Ooooo, just wait to read the journal I\'m going to post tonight...ha
Just because you have always been that way, doesn\'t mean you can\'t have a personality disorder. Maybe it was never diagnosed. Your food intake would be fine for a person without an ED and who is not underweight which last time I checked you both were. And where are the two snacks by the way?
And I\'m sorry but without eating you\'re not really trying with therapy either. One doesn\'t work without the other. It\'s ok to say you want to keep ed around but don\'t try to fool yourself. You are way better than that.
No. everyone is fucking wrong. It\'s bullshit saying that i\'m not trying with therapy if i\'m not trying with food. The whole fucking point of therapy is to determine the underlying reasonsing behind the ED. Fuck it all. The snacks weren\'t listed because A NORMAL PERSON DOESN\"T HAVE TO HAVE SNACKS. If I want to be normal thenm cant i just follow what a normal person eats. Maybe I don\'t have an ED and maybe I\'m not underweight.
I have admitted in the past that I dont want to change and that I dont care about being better. Now I DO want to vhange. Well i\'m not 100% convinced, but i know that I don\'t want to live my whole life like this. I want to enjoy things and I want to be happy. Its hard to convince myself though becasue I have not lived my life without all these fucked up issues I have. I want to work hard in therapy. And if I have to eat to do that then I will and I AM. Last week i did very well!!! Especially in comparison to the previous weeks. Duh
I think you know your underlying issues, you\'ve shared at least some of them and you have to work on both at the same time. Actually they didn\'t give me therapy while I was on bedrest because my brain was too starved to comprehend. So eat up.
I think you are in denial big time.
I AM NOT STARVED!!! last fall i was but I AM NOT NOW and I have SOOOO MUCH MORE ENERGY