The Void Inside

December isn't an easy month for me, not since my mom told me she had cancer the day before her birthday, insinuated that she wanted to kill herself on her birthday, and was hospitalized. The chemotherapy was supposed to give her an extra three months, palliative chemo, but instead it killed her faster. Her death was innevitable, I just wish she hadn't gone through the additional torture of getting sick from the chemo. Now it's a pandemic, and I'm glad she isn't here trying to survive it. She wouldn't be able to handle the stress of it. I'm not sure I can handle the stress of it much longer. December is hard. 

I've always wanted kids, always. I love my nieces and nephews, I love my (Catholic) God child Rhiannon, and her brother Rhys. Both of whom are supposed to legally become my god children. Recently though, I've found myself in such a slump that I'm not sure anymore if I want this life. I know it's the depression talking, the hopelessness sinking it, the feeling of dread and existential crisis. I'm just tired of it all. 

Having kids requires having sex, a drive I have not had in a long time. I'm trying, hard, to pretend I want to. I think about sex, and how I don't want to have it. How it feels like a chore. It shouldn't feel like that. It's enjoyable, don't get me wrong, I get off and have a good time, I just don't have the drive to do it. I don't want to initiate it. I know it makes him feel worse, me not initiating it. I'm just exhausted. I'm tired of the negative pregnancy tests and the medication to force me to ovulate - which apparently isn't working this time - or at least not as efficiently. How many days can someone have "high fertiltiy" before "peak fertility" actually occurs?! Guess we're going to find out... 

I want kids, I know I do, I'm just emotionally drained. I want to cry, all the time. I get mad at myself for getting mad at the dog. I lose my temper and yell at her, despite knowing that's not how I want to interact with her, or with our future kids. How we parent the dog is a clear indication of how we're going to parent our kids. Maybe that's the issue. I'm the only one parenting as it is. 

I want to see people again, feel human again. Have a reason to get dressed, to put make up on, to do my hair. A reason other than a zoom presentation. I want to turn off all the computers and phones and exist with people again. I want to party with friends and hug and just have a good time. I want to see Jerome and the gang, I want to dance, and laugh and just have a damn good time. Soon, I know, I'm just tired of waiting for "soon" to arrive.