the ups and downs of an anxiety freak

It's funny how when things calm down I am unable to journal as much.  I guess because life gets boring and you don't have as much to say. 

It has been 218 days since I had a smoke.  ...that is the good news.  The bad news is that I have now gained back all the weight that I had lost over the previous year.  fml.  Between quitting smoking, and the stress of the move and breakup, I admit I have not stuck to eating well.  I got lazy and started going for what was fast and easy.  It is now my goal to get back to eating better and clean.  I had noticed before that when I was eating well, I also had less pain.  It could have been other factors as well.  On my down days, I say, fuck it, I'm just going to be the fat girl and own it...but then on the better days, I think, WTF are you doing?

I went down to San Diego to visit my mom last weekend.  I really needed some mommy-daughter time.  I could not get anyone to watch the dog so I took her with me.  I was worried about how she would travel. I have never taken her on such a long trip before.  She did really well and just slept most of the time.  I am very relieved and hope that now I can visit my mom more often.  It also only took a tank and a quarter of gas.  We went thrifting and just hung out.  Next time I go down I want to go to the beach.

I have been much more even lately, overall.  I have had a few depressed days but not the uncontrolled crying of a few weeks ago.  Money is getting tight, but I still have not had to dip into my savings, so that is good.  I still haven't unpacked more than the necessities; my heart just isn't in it.  Maybe I am not meant to get too comfortable in that place.  I'm still just going with the flow and trying to listen to myself and the universe to see where I belong and what my next step should be.  Mom still wants me to move down there but the cost of living is so much higher that I am still hesitant. 

Today, I am having some mild nausea and anxiety.  Last night's dinner did not agree with me and I am sure I am playing the what if game in my head....what if I have food poisoning??  ha ha.  yeah...still a dumb bitch.  It just reminds me that I am still sick and not dating material.  At least I can laugh at myself though.  I start envisioning being out on a date and having a panic attack...and I start laughing at myself thinking, Yup, that's the last time you will see that guy... ha ha ha