The ups and downs
Hi everyone. I haven't written in a while. While I have been on the go and plan to write at night. I get too tired. Jackie's angel date May 10th was 2 days before Mother's Day. Agood friend of hers had a Mass said and then the cemetery. You know what that did to me. Downward spiral Mother's Day went better because my son and his family surprised me by my nieces house. She made dinner for me and her mom. My dr thinks that I'm doing better bu still in a depression. I have to keep myself busy. She wants me to write letters to Jac more often and to read the cards she gave me over the years. Jac used to write in them. So beautiful. How I was her best friend and how much she loved me and appreciates me. So I'm still struggling with her suicide. Why did she have to give up. I know she was in a lot of pain. But she was always so strong. All those pills she was taking. Anti depressants and pain meds. Not too mention heart meds. IBS meds. Asthma. Allergy shots. Nerve blocks. Botox shots in the head. How much more could she take. I'm trying too rationalize it. My heart hurts. I ache to see her and hold her. I miss her more and more with each passing day. I know this is my life now. I know the pain of losing her will never go away. We live a roller coaster of emotions. There is nothing worse than your child dying before you. I understand now that for me it will always be this way. The question why will never be answered. I will alway miss her. My heart will always hurt. Yes I will go on and laugh and even have a good time until that trigger. A song a smell anything because. All roads lead back to losing Jackie. I'm trying. I adopted a kitten and I have to say it is helping me at nite. He sleeps on my chest and is the cutest thing so I don't think so much at night. That helps a lot. Love u all. Gail
Replies
Sending Tight hugs Gail. I\'m right there with you in this journey.
Terry
Gail,
Today I am feeling many of the same things that you are. I think \"Why?\" I often think about this being my \"forever life.\" I am so glad you got your little kitten and that you feel a little better. My animals are wonderful to keep me company.
Much love,
Leda
Hi Gail, you said it well; \"all roads lead back to losing Jackie\". I feel that way a lot. All roads lead back to the emptiness of losing Ed. Even happy times are bittersweet. I do try to focus on the sweet & sometimes I am able to and sometimes not so much. I am glad you had family with you on Mothers day to ease the pain a bit. Ed is my only child but I do have his kids, my grandchildren to make Mothers day a bit gentler. So neat that you adopted a kitten. What did you name him? My pets help to cheer me. The kitten is lucky to have come home with you. Take care..much love to you and Jackie, Linda
I understanding what you are describing dear Gail. These are such tender days and so very hard to move through and I know that trying to understand in our heads why our children are not with us in the ways that we need them to be is painful and expends so much energy.
Nothing like a little fur baby to help heal your heart and is he a purring machine? I know that some are...:)
Take good care Gail and thinking of you and your amazing daughter, Jackie. Oh, how we miss them.
With love and hugs,
XO Joanie
I love you my friend, and I ache with you. And yes, for me, all roads lead to Kala..... I so get that.
Your \"why\" can never be answered....and even if it could, the answer could never soothe your heart. I forced myself to give us asking why and just say to myself \"it happened\". I know our circumstances are vastly different, so I don\'t dare say you should do the same!!! I only say, I had to....
I\'m thankful everyday for my Maui. He follows me around all day and sleeps as close to me as possible at night. If I sit down, he\'s in my lap; if I go to the bathroom, he tags along; if I go for a walk, he tries hard to keep up. Fur babies are amazing healers! I\'m so glad you\'ve found a special furry friend to share this amazing bond of love with.
You\'re doing all you know to do and you\'re doing all there is to do! It\'s a HARD, HARD, HARD road to travel getting through this horrendous pain. Thank goodness we do not have to travel isolated......thank goodness we have each other here to share our pain and our smiles.
You are loved dear Gail! And in my thoughts and prayers. Love to Jackie always!
One day at a time...we go with the flow of our emotions...always enjoying any days we can and crying when we need to. We are altered forever. I know now that after six years I have more good days than bad....love and gentle hugs...Karen
Hi Gail, you are making such tremendous strides. The \"acceptance\" can be so difficult but that is where I had to get to. We could ask why forever and ever, but that is not something we will ever know. Not in this life anyway. Happy that you have a new kitten! I could not tell you how much I \"talked\" to my grooming dogs in the beginning when I could not talk to anyone else.
Peace.