The two sides of me
So much has happened since the last journal entry.
My wife has agreed to letting me be the primary caregiver and have majority custody of my boys. We are working together and cooperating as we proceed quickly through the divorce process. Most of the time we are pretty friendly, too. She is very anxious to get the legal part done as quickly as possible. She is cold, impersonal, and pretty aggressive in pushing everything through, but at least she is cooperating with my requests. There will be no child support with our plan and because of her infidelity, there is no alimony.
If I step back far enough and look at how far I have come in such a short time, I can feel good about my progress and see flashes of strength and resolve for which I feel satisfaction. I was telling a good friend that the timeline is insane. A month ago, I filed for divorce in an attempt to control the proceedings and attempt to gain custody of my children (which was successful). A month before that my world was traumatized by discovering of my wife's deceptions and her infidelity with a married man. A month before that I was fresh off a 15 year anniversary cruise in which I celebrated having overcome marriage difficulties at the end of the previous year and believed I was experiencing the best year of our 15 year marriage. That is a quick downfall of my hopes, dreams, love, marriage, and family unit. Things could be so much worse for me in this divorce and for me personally. I am very thankful for all God has done in this and for the incredible support I have received from friends here and my family.
Then there is the other side of me...
My wife has decided to remain living in the house with my boys and me until the very end when she is required to vacate. That will be approximately the first week of June. During that time she will be saving money in order to move out. She is also interested in starting to look for her new life. She has ended her illicit affair though I believe if he were to divorce his wife, she would consider him a viable option for romance once again. That relationship caused tremendous pain and destruction in my life, so if it were to rejuvenate, I would have great difficulty accepting it in my children's lives. I know I can't control her or her future love interests. Anyway, she is looking to find fun and other interests in a life apart from me, but doing it while living under the same roof as my boys and me. The boys are 12 and 13. They are very aware when she is conspicuously absent until long after everyone is asleep in the house. Knowing how it confuses them and probably hurts, too, I am concerned for their emotional well-being. Personally, knowing what she is doing devastates me, as I am still trying to get over the betrayal and pain, not to mention the strong feelings of love I have for her. (The love should be gone but isn't. It confuses me terribly.) I have demanded she be considerate of the boys' hearts and not redefine their concepts of morality with her actions. I have also pleaded she be respectful of me and the anguish she causes by being out clubbing or with "friends." I have asked that if she wants to continue that lifestyle that she do it moved out of our house. She has fought back vehemently that she will stay until she has to leave and she will live her life without my controlling her.
But I finally got through. She cancelled her plans for this week and intends to be in the house by the time the boys go to bed. I hope this continues as I know June is still quite a ways off. I also know how easy it could be to try to break the rules and cover with lies as she has done so well in the past during her affair.
All this, the good we've accomplished in the divorce process, and the bad I struggle with her desire to pursue a new life in front of me and the boys, has caused two very distinct sides of me to emerge. One is very determined to protect the boys and fight for my rights as a loving parent. Sometimes this side even comes to my own defense and not only allows me to gain significant traction in the legal process but also pushes for rules of conduct and possibly her leaving the house as soon as possible. The other side is losing strength as waves of grief for everything I have lost wreaks havoc on my very damaged heart. I so loved being a devoted husband, as it is a role I feel is part of my very DNA. That has been ripped away from me and with it went all the hopes and dreams of my future as a husband. As I go through all the sentimental items we are dividing, the loss of everything those precious items, memories, and experiences contain is truly tragic to me. the family I worked so hard for and for which I sacrificed so much has been dismantled and will never be the same again. My children will grow up with emotional scars I can only try to minimize but will never be able to remove. Their absolute faith in love, marriage, and family is severely damaged, and though I will do everything I can to help renew it in them, it may be beyond my ability.
This second side, the grieving side, can overwhelm me at times. After a couple weeks of strength, I now feel the weight of the world bearing down on my weakening soul. My confidence in myself is crumbling, and the bouts of soul-felt crying are more frequent. I look in my wife's eyes and not only is the warm love absent, but sometimes I see it is replaced with resentment and sometimes contempt. Why do I still hold love for this woman who has done so much damage to my and my children's lives? Why can't I simply hate her or view her as an enemy? I do find I have bitterness occasionally and sinfully pray the Lord finds a way to show her the error and consequences of her actions. She needs to feel deep regret for all she has done and for losing such a true love for her. I can feel that in times of bitterness, but deep inside I still hope for her well-being. I hope she finds her way to a better and more Christian life. I hope my children are able to have a very healthy and nurturing relationship with their mother. I hope we can somehow be friends and share our boys' lives together as co-parents.
I am a seriously confused and conflicted individual, aren't I? I will continue to try my best to do what is right. I will pray for wisdom and guidance on this long and very difficult journey.
My wife has agreed to letting me be the primary caregiver and have majority custody of my boys. We are working together and cooperating as we proceed quickly through the divorce process. Most of the time we are pretty friendly, too. She is very anxious to get the legal part done as quickly as possible. She is cold, impersonal, and pretty aggressive in pushing everything through, but at least she is cooperating with my requests. There will be no child support with our plan and because of her infidelity, there is no alimony.
If I step back far enough and look at how far I have come in such a short time, I can feel good about my progress and see flashes of strength and resolve for which I feel satisfaction. I was telling a good friend that the timeline is insane. A month ago, I filed for divorce in an attempt to control the proceedings and attempt to gain custody of my children (which was successful). A month before that my world was traumatized by discovering of my wife's deceptions and her infidelity with a married man. A month before that I was fresh off a 15 year anniversary cruise in which I celebrated having overcome marriage difficulties at the end of the previous year and believed I was experiencing the best year of our 15 year marriage. That is a quick downfall of my hopes, dreams, love, marriage, and family unit. Things could be so much worse for me in this divorce and for me personally. I am very thankful for all God has done in this and for the incredible support I have received from friends here and my family.
Then there is the other side of me...
My wife has decided to remain living in the house with my boys and me until the very end when she is required to vacate. That will be approximately the first week of June. During that time she will be saving money in order to move out. She is also interested in starting to look for her new life. She has ended her illicit affair though I believe if he were to divorce his wife, she would consider him a viable option for romance once again. That relationship caused tremendous pain and destruction in my life, so if it were to rejuvenate, I would have great difficulty accepting it in my children's lives. I know I can't control her or her future love interests. Anyway, she is looking to find fun and other interests in a life apart from me, but doing it while living under the same roof as my boys and me. The boys are 12 and 13. They are very aware when she is conspicuously absent until long after everyone is asleep in the house. Knowing how it confuses them and probably hurts, too, I am concerned for their emotional well-being. Personally, knowing what she is doing devastates me, as I am still trying to get over the betrayal and pain, not to mention the strong feelings of love I have for her. (The love should be gone but isn't. It confuses me terribly.) I have demanded she be considerate of the boys' hearts and not redefine their concepts of morality with her actions. I have also pleaded she be respectful of me and the anguish she causes by being out clubbing or with "friends." I have asked that if she wants to continue that lifestyle that she do it moved out of our house. She has fought back vehemently that she will stay until she has to leave and she will live her life without my controlling her.
But I finally got through. She cancelled her plans for this week and intends to be in the house by the time the boys go to bed. I hope this continues as I know June is still quite a ways off. I also know how easy it could be to try to break the rules and cover with lies as she has done so well in the past during her affair.
All this, the good we've accomplished in the divorce process, and the bad I struggle with her desire to pursue a new life in front of me and the boys, has caused two very distinct sides of me to emerge. One is very determined to protect the boys and fight for my rights as a loving parent. Sometimes this side even comes to my own defense and not only allows me to gain significant traction in the legal process but also pushes for rules of conduct and possibly her leaving the house as soon as possible. The other side is losing strength as waves of grief for everything I have lost wreaks havoc on my very damaged heart. I so loved being a devoted husband, as it is a role I feel is part of my very DNA. That has been ripped away from me and with it went all the hopes and dreams of my future as a husband. As I go through all the sentimental items we are dividing, the loss of everything those precious items, memories, and experiences contain is truly tragic to me. the family I worked so hard for and for which I sacrificed so much has been dismantled and will never be the same again. My children will grow up with emotional scars I can only try to minimize but will never be able to remove. Their absolute faith in love, marriage, and family is severely damaged, and though I will do everything I can to help renew it in them, it may be beyond my ability.
This second side, the grieving side, can overwhelm me at times. After a couple weeks of strength, I now feel the weight of the world bearing down on my weakening soul. My confidence in myself is crumbling, and the bouts of soul-felt crying are more frequent. I look in my wife's eyes and not only is the warm love absent, but sometimes I see it is replaced with resentment and sometimes contempt. Why do I still hold love for this woman who has done so much damage to my and my children's lives? Why can't I simply hate her or view her as an enemy? I do find I have bitterness occasionally and sinfully pray the Lord finds a way to show her the error and consequences of her actions. She needs to feel deep regret for all she has done and for losing such a true love for her. I can feel that in times of bitterness, but deep inside I still hope for her well-being. I hope she finds her way to a better and more Christian life. I hope my children are able to have a very healthy and nurturing relationship with their mother. I hope we can somehow be friends and share our boys' lives together as co-parents.
I am a seriously confused and conflicted individual, aren't I? I will continue to try my best to do what is right. I will pray for wisdom and guidance on this long and very difficult journey.
Replies
This second side, the grieving side, can overwhelm me at times. After a couple weeks of strength, I now feel the weight of the world bearing down on my weakening soul. My confidence in myself is crumbling, and the bouts of soul-felt crying are more frequent. I look in my wife\'s eyes and not only is the warm love absent, but sometimes I see it is replaced with resentment and sometimes contempt. Why do I still hold love for this woman who has done so much damage to my and my children\'s lives? Why can\'t I simply hate her or view her as an enemy? I do find I have bitterness occasionally and sinfully pray the Lord finds a way to show her the error and consequences of her actions. She needs to feel deep regret for all she has done and for losing such a true love for her. I can feel that in times of bitterness, but deep inside I still hope for her well-being. I hope she finds her way to a better and more Christian life. I hope my children are able to have a very healthy and nurturing relationship with their mother. I hope we can somehow be friends and share our boys\' lives together as co-parents.
The reason is you need to have a long period of total separation for these things to change.....As long as you see so much of her....Your grieving cannot even begin its\' long process.......The sooner you live separate and begin to build your own life....the sooner the grief can go through ALL the stages you need to experience .....before you can feel hope and even happiness again.
It is long....But you will get there
If she refuses to consider the impact to our children or respect my feelings by openly pursuing her new life while living in the same house, I will push hard for her to depart. Otherwise, I feel obligated to the mother of my children to sacrifice a couple months of time that I could be healing to give her an easier transition to a new, independent living arrangement. If at any time she starts dating, she will need to vacate immediately. I don\'t know how I can legally leverage that, but it would need to happen somehow.
I sincerely hope we can continue to build a positive relationship in which we respect each other\'s feelings and work together for the best future possible for our children. I just hope her monumental selfishness does not interfere.
Thanks for the encouraging words, though, friend MurphyToronto.
I know the \"two sides\" well. It took me fully 17 months before I started letting go of the grieving side. I now feel I can see my ex\'s past behaviours more clearly. The grieving will take time. For your ex, she has been \"separating\" herself in her brain for a long time. Months. Maybe more. So, she is much further along and this is why she seems so cold. You are still right in it. You are doing great though. Congrats on getting a great legal settlement and for getting your kids. Awesome!!!
My new motto which I took from Facebook.
I am not crying because of you; You are not worth it.
I\'m crying because of the delusion of who you were was shattered by the truth of who you are.
These words are so sad but true. I think of them every time that I start to fall apart.
Thoughts & prayers my friend. Better days ahead. :) TCB