The Trip

Back from my trip to SoCal. I am tired and worn out today.  All the great intentions of things I would get done since I have the day off from work are going out the window.  I've managed a couple of loads of laundry and attempted a little homework but it started to put me to sleep. 

We started out in a really bad place...not even really speaking and I thought a couple of times of just telling my brother I was not coming..but I couldn't do it.  I was so angry.  About two hours from home I had an episode of supertachycardia which I have not had since I had the heart surgery.  I tried taking a few deep breaths to calm it down and started to feel as though I would pass out.  I was just about to ask him to pull over so I could lay down and get my knees above my heart when it finally slowed.  Where the hell did that come from?  Is this going to be my luck that I quit smoking only to have more heart problems anyway?  It didn't do that again the rest of the trip although I had a couple of times where I got super shaky which of course led to panic attacks.  We ate out a LOT while we were gone so it could just be the radical diet change that made me feel crappy. 

My nephews are absolutely adorable and I was glad I got to see them even if it was for a short time.  The weather was unpredictable so we ended up going to the museum of natural history in San Diego instead of the zoo.  After that we went to old town and saw a model train museum and had dinner at a lovely mexican restaurant.  It turned out to be a great day.  We spent Monday with my mom and on Tuesday we drove up to spend the afternoon with Steve's mom on the way home.  She is not looking good.  She has now had two surgeries on her back but has continued to smoke and drink so nothing has healed.  Now they are saying she may also have a cervical stenosis.  She complains that her legs feel weak but she doesn't get up to walk as they tell her to.  Dinner that night gave me a horrible stomach ache and he was actually sober enough to go and get me some maalox.  I was out by 9:30.

Yesterday, we got up and started for home.  He had told me when we first left that the Modesto branch was going to have an opening.  We talked about the pros and cons of the position..the only real reason to take it would be that there would be no commute.  It's a much smaller market and I know he would be bored at such a slow store.  I'm not sure him being home at 5 everyday would be good for us anymore.  I was surprised that he didn't really try and make up to me on this trip. Maybe he is realizing that there is no saving us. 

I am super tired and lonely today.  I have no one to talk to or confide in.  Being with everyone on this trip only reinforced the feeling of being an outsider looking in.  I think I just need to push through this monotonous homework.