The time WARP
I have fallen down - and up the stairs - if you can believe that one. I took a tumble down the stairs yesterday while attending to mom's breakfast meal, and I just went on bouncing on my ass as if I were a kid playing on the stairs. My elbows took the brunt of it, not my discs, (tho my back is angry with me today), I have medicine here in order to cope with my back pain and other drugs prescribed to relieve the stress of this chapter in life and death.
There seems to be so much on our list on a daily basis. The dog had problems this week. She had to see the vet twice, and the second time they charged she shit out of us...for an x-ray of the heart, and the blood tests, and the blah- blah- blah...then there was the car issues, the warranty that was not being utilized by my mom, and my husband found - so he is searching for ways to suck money back from the dealership and put it in my mom's account where it evaporated last week in order to fix the car...and there were papers to sign, and groceries to get, and a new refrigerator being delivered by one organization, and the old refrigerator was extracted by another company, and then the new one installed by another, all in order to save money...and then the OT came against my mom's wishes, and the lady that helps her bath herself came a few days ago, and the nurse came a night in order to take a faulty mid line out early...but it is all revolving around here like a three ring circus - in order to get mom a little stronger and more self sufficient so she can live longer what ever that really means. It is all giving me hives.
I live in this bubble where time has no boundaries, and exhaustion starts when I brush my teeth in the morning. I am taking Adavan in order not to MELT DOWN, and I am on Cymbalta so I won't cry a river the size of the moon, and then I have to take my pain and muscle meds for my crazy back when it acts up. BUT I am so grateful I can keep my eyes open, and breath, and get shit done that needs to be done because there is no one else that can do this...well my husband is helping me, but that also involves him dumping his stress from his business on me because I literally work for him and am his wife working like a pack mule at home.. and then there are our family finances that are floating somewhere between real and imagined right now...like the rest of the country, we are in the hand to mouth mode, and are trying to keep our raft afloat with love, God and what ever falls from heaven. Somehow it is working, but it is tenuous at best.
Today is Friday, the beginning of the long Labor Day weekend. My summer has blown up like a bomb, and I feel as if I am in an emotional ICU trying to figure out what I stepped on in late May...and then it dawns on me, I am waking up to the fact that this life doesn't belong to me, this life is gift, and if we have a moment to make it better for another, we are to do so with every fiber of our being...and we are to pray and ask for help all the way, and help will come in the form of a calming voice on the telephone, a lunch with a cousin, a dinner with an aunt, or a husband who keeps on morphing into the prince I always knew he was, and am always amazed by.
I am lucky that I got my mom this long. A mother who has always been trying to do the right thing even when she was fucked up in her life's journey like the rest of us...when she got through those crazy uneasy moments of her life - she apologized to us...and made amends, and all our relationships did get better...is she perfect? She is human perfection in all its foibles, and she is from heaven and soon she shall return. And some day, I hope she comes back to help me on my journey to the other side...and I hope my daughter (or someone equally as close) is here for me when all the shit hits the fan and my life is ending. That is my prayer. And it is my prayer that this journey with my mom is not an endless festival of surrender and misery - I don't want it to be painful for her. And so far she feels no pain, but last night I dreamed that chapter was over and the pain came knocking at her body from the inside out.
There seems to be so much on our list on a daily basis. The dog had problems this week. She had to see the vet twice, and the second time they charged she shit out of us...for an x-ray of the heart, and the blood tests, and the blah- blah- blah...then there was the car issues, the warranty that was not being utilized by my mom, and my husband found - so he is searching for ways to suck money back from the dealership and put it in my mom's account where it evaporated last week in order to fix the car...and there were papers to sign, and groceries to get, and a new refrigerator being delivered by one organization, and the old refrigerator was extracted by another company, and then the new one installed by another, all in order to save money...and then the OT came against my mom's wishes, and the lady that helps her bath herself came a few days ago, and the nurse came a night in order to take a faulty mid line out early...but it is all revolving around here like a three ring circus - in order to get mom a little stronger and more self sufficient so she can live longer what ever that really means. It is all giving me hives.
I live in this bubble where time has no boundaries, and exhaustion starts when I brush my teeth in the morning. I am taking Adavan in order not to MELT DOWN, and I am on Cymbalta so I won't cry a river the size of the moon, and then I have to take my pain and muscle meds for my crazy back when it acts up. BUT I am so grateful I can keep my eyes open, and breath, and get shit done that needs to be done because there is no one else that can do this...well my husband is helping me, but that also involves him dumping his stress from his business on me because I literally work for him and am his wife working like a pack mule at home.. and then there are our family finances that are floating somewhere between real and imagined right now...like the rest of the country, we are in the hand to mouth mode, and are trying to keep our raft afloat with love, God and what ever falls from heaven. Somehow it is working, but it is tenuous at best.
Today is Friday, the beginning of the long Labor Day weekend. My summer has blown up like a bomb, and I feel as if I am in an emotional ICU trying to figure out what I stepped on in late May...and then it dawns on me, I am waking up to the fact that this life doesn't belong to me, this life is gift, and if we have a moment to make it better for another, we are to do so with every fiber of our being...and we are to pray and ask for help all the way, and help will come in the form of a calming voice on the telephone, a lunch with a cousin, a dinner with an aunt, or a husband who keeps on morphing into the prince I always knew he was, and am always amazed by.
I am lucky that I got my mom this long. A mother who has always been trying to do the right thing even when she was fucked up in her life's journey like the rest of us...when she got through those crazy uneasy moments of her life - she apologized to us...and made amends, and all our relationships did get better...is she perfect? She is human perfection in all its foibles, and she is from heaven and soon she shall return. And some day, I hope she comes back to help me on my journey to the other side...and I hope my daughter (or someone equally as close) is here for me when all the shit hits the fan and my life is ending. That is my prayer. And it is my prayer that this journey with my mom is not an endless festival of surrender and misery - I don't want it to be painful for her. And so far she feels no pain, but last night I dreamed that chapter was over and the pain came knocking at her body from the inside out.
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