the struggle is real... extremely depressed

I have been consumed by depression. I do not like feeling this way, I usually can fight it off but it's overwhelming me and taking every fiber of my being to stay sober. I took a permanent marker to my wrist and wrote 576 and under it I wrote LOVE. I am 576 days sober, and I need to remember to love myself, that people love me, and I will be okay. I feel empty. I've lost the will to do anything. I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to eat, I don't want to speak. I don't even have the energy to cry most days... Though I feel inside I'm crying, crying because part of me feels like it's dying. I feel like I'm dying on the inside. I want more than anything to drink Friday night, Halloween. I want to stop fighting. It hurts too much to fight. Right now all I can think of is the bottle of pills in my purse beside me, codeine and lots of it. I want to numb it all, just get rid of the pain. I feel numb.. Yet I hurt so bad still... What is wrong with me. I'm so empty. I don't want to do it anymore. I just don't.