The story of the boy who likes cheese on his toast..

I met someone on DailyStrength when I was at my worst. We talked every single day until he asked if we could talk on the phone. I was shocked that he wanted to chat with me because he was good looking and sweet. We exchanged numbers, and immediately into our first conversation, we hit it off. About a half hour into the conversation, we started to tell each other personal things. He eventually came clean about something extremely personal, and I felt special. He felt comfortable with me.

We hit it off very quickly, and the days seemed to fly by when we talked. He lived in a different country, so we had about a six hour time difference. It didn’t make a difference, though, because he had a hard time sleeping. We talked for a couple of weeks, and as we did, I felt a deeper connection with him. He was having a hard break up, and I was there for him whenever he needed me. I spent many days putting his life before my own—his problems before mine. It was never his fault, I wanted to help him. I liked talking to him and hearing about his life. His heart belonged to someone evil, and I hated what she did to him. He loved her still, and he was my friend, so I tried my best to be there for him.

One night, he decided to video chat me. I was lying in bed, and he was standing in his kitchen making toast with cheese. (Weird, I know!) He was having a really tough time that day, and yet, he was smiling. I looked at him being silly and smiling, and I realized that I was starting to have feelings for him. I was so used to hearing from him, that I almost expected it. If we weren’t on the phone all night, we were texting. I got used to waking up and hearing from him. Granted, it was late afternoon in his time zone when I woke up. I decided to keep my feelings a secret because it was useless. I knew he didn’t have feelings for me. I was simply his friend, and I was okay with that.

Eventually my feelings started to grow, and things started to change. I felt myself feeling jealous when he would talk about how pretty other girls were, and how much he liked them. I asked myself why he would like these girls and not me. I tried my hardest not to let my feelings show, but it was obvious. He caught on and one day he brought it up. He told me that he suspected I had a crush on him for a while now. I was beet red on the phone, and I felt a little embarrassed. When I thought he would tell me that he didn’t feel the same, he didn’t. He told me that he liked talking to me. I felt shocked, not expecting him to say that. It made me feel that he might have been feeling something too. It made me feel hopeful.

We continued talking all the time and he stopped talking about the girl he once loved. I guess I thought that I was helping him move on. He was after all talking to me all the time and our conversations would last hours. I would get a little flirtatious with him, and he would laugh, and at times it seemed like he was flirting with me. I started to wonder if something would eventually happen. He started talking about visiting the States, and expressed that he wanted to visit me in New York. I was stunned because I didn’t think he would want to come see me. He had already made a bunch of plans to visit his other friends, and we had only known each other three months. But he said of course he wanted to see me, and I rejoiced. I started to wonder how his trip would be, and I had to wonder the obvious question as to where he would sleep because I live in a small house, my own room the smallest. I don’t know how it would work out me sleeping in a twin size bed with someone I had feelings for. But I let it go, figuring that I would make plans closer to the date. He joked about not wanting to get drunk with me because he would probably kiss me. That was another (I thought) indication that he was starting to have feelings for me.

Then one day everything changed.

It was pretty late, and I had not heard from him all day. Eventually we spoke but it was brief. That kind of interaction continued for a couple of days. He told me that he reconnected with an old friend, and they had been spending a lot of time catching up. My heart sank, and I immediately knew that he had feelings for this girl. I don’t know what it was, but I knew it was more than a friend. I waited for him to admit it, but he didn’t. Suddenly, everything changed. I no longer woke up to any text messages, and we didn’t talk before I went to sleep. I barely spoke to him, and to be quite honest, it made me feel terrible. I felt like I was thrown to the side, like I meant nothing. Like I was just a distraction until something better came along.

Finally, he apologized for being distant, and made the excuse that he had just come clean about something personal to this woman (the same thing he came clean to me about when he first spoke) and that she accepted him. He was thrilled and they continued to catch up. I knew that eventually he would tell me that he had feelings for her, and he did. Apparently they had always had feelings for each other, but they were in relationships or something along those lines. Now all of a sudden this guy that I had feelings for, who was heartbroken and swore he was not ready to commit or give his heart to anyone else, within days, is extremely happy with someone else. And it doesn’t even matter that they have known each other for years. It’s the fact that he pined over his breakup. He walked around as if he couldn’t live without this woman, and within weeks, he jumps into something else. And maybe this is me feeling the sting of rejection, but shit, that’s quick!

Anyways, when he told me that they have feelings for each other, and he is the happiest he has been in a long time, it really hit me hard. It wasn’t that I didn’t want him to be happy, it’s just I thought that I was making him happy. I was the one who was there for him. I was the one who listened, half asleep, struggling to stay awake in order to let him vent. I sacrificed school in order to stay up on video chat and let him fall asleep because I knew it made him feel better. I woke up exhausted because I was on the phone with him all night, talking about life and our struggles. My anger and sadness wasn’t fully because he didn’t have feelings for me, it was because he could so easily push me to the side because this girl came along! He will never understand nor see why that hurt me. He is so fixated on this girl that he cannot see how shady he has become.

I decided that I had to walk away and create distance between us. He did after all break my heart. It had been a very long time since I had feelings for someone, years even. And the first person who I open up to ends up making me feel like I am worth nothing. I kept my distance for a while and tried to heal from it. He wanted to be friends, and he missed me, but I knew it wasn’t healthy. I tried to go out and meet people, but nothing worked. Eventually I decided to rip the band aid off and tell him that he can talk to me about this girl. I would try and treat him like a friend. He did, and sent me a whole novel about a problem she was having with her child’s father. I did what any friend would and gave my advice. I still felt hurt, especially since he started referring to her as his girlfriend. But, at least I was trying.

This new found friendship didn’t last long. He disappeared again. And that is when I realized that we were not really friends, because friends don’t treat each other that way. They don’t completely disappear; I don’t care how busy they get. The real issue here is that he has no time to speak to me. Now that his girlfriend is in the picture, any free time is spent talking to her. This is sad because he has become the friend that he always talked about. I remember once we talked about how much we hated how people change when they start dating someone. We talked about how they ditch us and no longer make time to talk to us. Then he becomes one of those people he hated.

One day I decided that I was going to cut off all contact with him. I had enough. I was tired of being hurt. I had been feeling really down, and to be honest, I fell so deep into my funk that I barely left my bed for an entire week. No one really cared, though. Everyone was too busy moving on in their lives. So I laid in my bed, cried, and deleted him from all of my social media accounts. I deleted a lot of people that week. Days passed by, and I heard nothing. Maybe he did realize, but didn’t care. No true friend disappears for more than a week because they are “busy”. I don’t care how busy someone gets, you just don’t do that, especially when you use the same electronic device to keep in touch with other people.

The fact is I am hurt. I’ve been hurt. I continue to hurt.

I miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss laughing with him, and watching him act silly on video chat. I miss feeling my anxiety melt away when he talks to me. I miss giving him solid advice when he is having a bad day. I miss all of it.

But I also know that things have changed, and they will never go back to the way they used to be. And maybe that’s the problem. Misery loves company. We were both in bad places when we met. We didn’t really have anyone so we found comfort in each other. Now that he has someone in his life, someone that he wants to build a life with, he has no use for me anymore. He calls me the closest friend he has had in a very long time, but he doesn’t treat me like one. I think that his perception is different than mine, and that makes me sad.

I will always wish him the best. I will always think about him and wonder how his life is, but I can’t be the friend he wants me to be. I can’t be the person he comes to whenever he needs advice. I am healing from this, and in order to heal, I can’t be a part of his life. I need my space to move on—to grow. I’ve tried, I really have, but my heart felt something it hadn’t in a very long time. And to have someone not feel the same way takes a toll on a person.

I’m sorry that I left. I’m sorry that I didn’t say goodbye. Maybe I didn’t say goodbye because I was afraid of the finality of it. Maybe I’m afraid to be your friend because I fell for you, and it doesn’t matter how much I ignore it, if I continue to talk to you, my feelings would intensify. I just want you to know that I do care about you, and I do care about your happiness, and I do want you to find love even if it’s not with me. I want you to live your life, and I want what is best for you. I’m grateful that you promised to always be there for me if I need you, and that is one of the reasons why I fell for you in the first place. I hope that you live a beautiful life, and maybe one day I will be able to truly be your friend. Until then, I wish you all the happiness in the world, and I will miss you terribly..

-C