The Start to My Healing....

I always hate starting journals because I never know where to begin... where to end... and who I am addressing. I suppose since I am starting my road to healing and recovery from being an enabler to my alcoholic father, i could start at the moment I was shocked by the words of a helpful hand...

She was a counselor at  a women's clinic to help soon to be moms get in touch with support groups, insurance, nurse care, breast pumps... essentially anything I need or any concerns I had. I dion't really "use" her as a resource because I have everything planned out. But as a pregnant women they require at least 2 visits with her to meet her and then to  go over car seat rules, breastfeeding, and post delivery are. Long story short, I had discussed with her my father, his alcoholism, and my goals to help him help himself. She was wow'd and wished me luck and told me all the regular "that is so caring of you" talk and so on. 

The next, and last, visit we discussed my plan for maternity leave and how I plan to utilize my PTO, Short-term Disability, and FMLA... I gave her my entire plan, which included a goal savings acount of at least two months worth of rent, just in case! She thought that was great and asked how I plan to save that much... Well, I already started before baby was concieved (this was  planned) and continued up to the conversation that took place! I told her my #1 goal was to be able to save enough money and utilize enough PTO, STD and FMLA to be able to pay for and be comfortable my entire two months of maternity leave WITHOUT depending on anyone except me. No to have to ask anyone else for else and that way is something happens, then i am covered and don't need to worry about it. She asked about my husband, in-laws, parents... I mean yeah, they're around but my parents aren't going to be able to help financially and really not even emotionally. My father is an alcoholic I took in. I should'nt have to ask in-laws for monetary help!!! And, my husband quit his job for school so financially... no. 

I thought I was being smart. I thought I was being brilliant. She agreed. She said I was so organized and determined and it was great... but then she asked me this: 

"Have you ever thought about counseling for your trust issues?" ...

What? Because I prepare life in such a way  that I don't need to be dependent on someone else, this consititutes trust issues??? I thoguht back to everything I jsut told her and really thought I was being clever, smart... proactive. But the councelor sitting infront of me saw a vaulnerable, untrusting woman that thinks herself is the only one she can count on. I was stunned. Thrownback. 

Because I was just starting to research ACOAs and what it means to be one, I took her words back to my  research and found that she might be right... ubt this will never change. With my luck that day I stop being proactive and prepared is the day im left out in the cold with nothing but my coat! 

End Note: I'll count my journey as started on the day this convo took place... I'll say that this is what really made my jaw drop. I consider this my 1st step: Addmiting I was an enabler and I was a suffering ACOA.

Since this convo, I have fought with and cried over my father. I have given warning after warning, threat after threat. He worked with me on "getting sober" and attending AA meetings. But on September 30th, 2018- he broke his sobriety (of only 4 weeks) and got shit faced drunk to where he couldn't stand, broke our stuff falling down, and tried to blame me for his nicotine withdraws, low carb intake, and his sweet tooth not being cared for... so, I kicked him out. This was the day I completed the purge of the alcoholic that has been bringing me down and spending my money since i was 12 years  old. 

I figure I'll work thi journal as the thoughts come, while trying to stay in order but adding in relivent information?