The snake is me is my mother
I believe this entry may be triggering. I'm unclear of when to use the trigger warning (if anyone wants to comment on that , it would be good). I can get triggered at any time and the typical "triggers" don't trigger me. so anyway..
Yesterday I spoke with a life coach who specializes in repressed memories. In our conversation I continuously, without my awareness, called my repressed memory a "false" memory. She asked why I did this. She also suggested that my "protector" and I are possibly in-meshed. In yesterdays meditation practice I asked myself, why did you say "false" memory. The answer:
"I'm making sure that you don’t fuck it up. I’m the snake wound around the grid of your chest and I pull tight to restrict your breath. I’m your mothers voice and I don’t like you. you cannot rid yourself of me - it would be like tearing off your rib cage, it will be extremely painful. without me , you wont live. you type on this fancy mac computer -cuz of me. you have that nice husband behind you - cuz of me. your nice job - is becuase of me. you are in this nice house - All if it - is because of me. I’m the reason your not in total shambles. I’ll be here to make sure you don’t completely fuck it up. "
I ask again - Why did you say it was a false memory.
The answer: You know why.
Replies
I don't know much about triggers, sorry, but I have those things that lurk in the back of my mind and make me say things too. I readily admit to being abused as a child, but never say it was my brother. I always say baby sitter. He was babysitting when it happened it is true, but know I am evading the truth as the truth is hard to face even in my own head.
First of all, about the trigger warning - you can always put a "TW" - it's free! Or "Possible TW". I don't think you need to be too uptight about it. However, one thing you should always put a TW for is any kind of animal abuse. For almost all of us, that is more unbearable to read about than anything else. And obviously, any explicit sexual abuse or violence.
This is very creepy indeed. I am eager to know what your coach says about it.
My therapist always says we should thank a part for showing up and revealing itself. IFS (internal family systems) says that parts are always afraid that we will try to exterminate them, and what we should do instead is update them about current conditions and, if their function is counterproductive, give them a new function to perform. I don't know how to work with a part that says "I don't like you". I am very interested to watch this evolve. I have faith that you can love your way through this! After all, that part is really a part of you that believes she is helping you survive.
I wrote a poem about my mother in which she is depicted as a spider. I have a lot of bitterness towards my mother. But I can also see that she is a very angry little girl, around 3 - 5 years old, and I can love her through her anger and hostility.
I'm glad you asked about trigger warnings because I rarely use them and was also wondering when to use them. Like you, my triggers are not typical.
I used to go for acupuncture because I had chronic neck pain. The acupuncturist noticed my diaphragm was stuck and asked me if I'd been sexually abused. I still don't quite understand the correlation but there is something about the constriction of the breath, like your snake around the grid of the chest, that is a symptom of sexual abuse.
I rid myself of my mother's voice. You are wise. It was painful.
I love this piece of writing. It really hit home for me. My mother was convinced that I needed her support. I didn't. I don't. She never knew me anyway.
I am sure this was very unnerving to hear in your meditation. My feeling is you have a very frightened part who will benefit greatly from your love, comfort, acceptance and understanding. This could be bravdo from a child who puts on a brave front to keep themselves safe amid chaos. I also had some inner children who bravely protected me, the adult, from the truth even after I remembered the truth. You have a very brave part but under all that bravery is likely extreme fear. (((Hugs)))
nikkole...do you know why? If so, what are your thoughts on this?
xx
SuzA
I am no therapist but it sounds like a part of you is trying to justify your strengths or that there might be some guilt when you show them?
Something like what I ask happens to me. I question if it is ok to show strength, to let out my protector or use a firm boyish side? Puffing my feathers lol. I am not sure how to say that.
Pauliinaa1 - i'm sorry to hear about your brother. I hope you are one day free to speak your whole truth.
DW - thanks for the tips on trigger warnings. I can see what your saying because pics/videos of animals being treated poorly is very triggering - also children. I can see what they mean by "trigger" now. I emailed the coach who asked if I could go "deeper" into the fear. But I couldn't and was in a weird blended state for a day or so. I can relate to your poem - In my meditation I often see mom as a 12 year old.
JR - i'm so glad you mentioned the breathing - I feel it is directly related to the stress I feel. It's amazing that your acupucturest noticed right away - that's some acupuncturist! My mother doesn't know me either - and I will be happy to rid myself of her horrible inner-voice!
LE - I think your right on with the hidden fear. The coach was asking if I can "feel" the fear to the point of shaking! and although I was afraid - I can only bring myself so close to it. then it went away. Almost felt like the snake was taking a break or relaxing till she was needed again.
SuzA- i'm not sure why. I think LE had some good insight. I know my coach says total acceptance of the inner child is necessary - and she wants to start with the "protectors" because they are key to getting "inside"
Dooo- Interesting insight! If i can get the 'strength" of that inner child directed towards other things.. and your right. If she did direct them towards other things she would feel guilty.
Thanks everyone for your insightful comments. I'll keep you updated with the coach - we meet again next Saturday.