The rain. The sun.

It started when I was working from home on Wednesday and settled into a deep meditation during my lunch break.  I felt my legs and arms tingle - is this fear? They say that abused children can unlearn how to recognize fear.   

My inner child is here, she wants me to hold her hand so that she can show me something.   The adult in me reminds her that she is living in a safe, warm, loving place.  One half of me in reality and safe -the other half back in hell, living with my parents on Carol street.   I tried to allow the fear - I did not push for any information. I felt so close to the abuse, the secret - it’s reality like a vapor traveling wavelike along the curves of my being.  I know you  dear secret - you’ve been here all along.  I know that it is you even though your story line is hiding behind a thick curtain - I feel your presence, your weight.  I’m right next to it.  I felt the story on the verge of emerging.

After this meditation practice - and every day leading to today -  I’m enveloped by sadness.  On a couple of occasions I am at the verge of crying at work - during important meetings.  but I hold back.  Today, alone on my deck, in my comfy chair, the grey skies, the rain - the loud highway - I cried and cried.  And then there was sun - although there was no sun - I felt the warmth and promise of something new coming.  something more loving and caring.  a softness.  a step closer to myself.