THE PARTY
THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR RESPONSES AND HUGS, I APPRECIATE IT SO MUCH KNOWING THAT I CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON YOU TO HELP ME THROUGH THE ROUGH PERIODS. I WENT TO THE BAT MITZVER PARTY YESTERDAY. AT FIRST I WAS OK BUT OMG WHEN THEY WERE LIGHTING THE CANDLES AND PLAYING CERTAIN SONGS, I JUST COULDN'T HOLD IT TOGETHER. I HAD TO GO OUTSIDE.
I DON'T THINK THE KLONIPIN IS WORKING AS WELL AS THE XANAX AND I JUST CALLED THE DR. TO LET HER KNOW. I'M SUPPOSED TO SEE HER ON THE 2ND BUT I DON'T WANT TO WAIT THAT LONG. MAYBE SHE WILL INCREASE IT OVER THE PHONE. I SEE THE THERAPIST ON WED. I AM PRAYING SHE WILL BE ABLE TO HELP ME. I FEEL LIKE I'M GETTING WORSE INSTEAD OF BETTER. SINCE FEB., I HAVE BEEN CRYING MORE AND I JUST CAN'T HELP THINKING ABOUT JACKIE ALL THE TIME. MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY ARE JUST GREAT AND THEY TRY SO HARD TO MAKE LIFE EASIER FOR ME, BUT I JUST STILL CAN'T SEEM TO GET IT TOGETHER AND I DO WANT TO. ALL YOU MOMS WHO ARE ON THIS JOURNEY LONGER THAN ME HAVE TOLD ME THAT EVENTUALLY THE PAIN WILL LESSEN. I LOOK TO ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT BECAUSE YOU ALL FEEL WHAT I FEEL AND KNOW JUST HOW HARD IT IS TO COME TO TERMS WITH LOSING A CHILD. YOU ALL GIVE ME ENCOURAGEMENT AND BELIEVE I WILL EVENTUALLY BE ABLE TO COPE BETTER. I REALLY THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HELPING ME WHENEVER I NEED IT. LOVE YOU ALL, GAIL
I DON'T THINK THE KLONIPIN IS WORKING AS WELL AS THE XANAX AND I JUST CALLED THE DR. TO LET HER KNOW. I'M SUPPOSED TO SEE HER ON THE 2ND BUT I DON'T WANT TO WAIT THAT LONG. MAYBE SHE WILL INCREASE IT OVER THE PHONE. I SEE THE THERAPIST ON WED. I AM PRAYING SHE WILL BE ABLE TO HELP ME. I FEEL LIKE I'M GETTING WORSE INSTEAD OF BETTER. SINCE FEB., I HAVE BEEN CRYING MORE AND I JUST CAN'T HELP THINKING ABOUT JACKIE ALL THE TIME. MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY ARE JUST GREAT AND THEY TRY SO HARD TO MAKE LIFE EASIER FOR ME, BUT I JUST STILL CAN'T SEEM TO GET IT TOGETHER AND I DO WANT TO. ALL YOU MOMS WHO ARE ON THIS JOURNEY LONGER THAN ME HAVE TOLD ME THAT EVENTUALLY THE PAIN WILL LESSEN. I LOOK TO ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT BECAUSE YOU ALL FEEL WHAT I FEEL AND KNOW JUST HOW HARD IT IS TO COME TO TERMS WITH LOSING A CHILD. YOU ALL GIVE ME ENCOURAGEMENT AND BELIEVE I WILL EVENTUALLY BE ABLE TO COPE BETTER. I REALLY THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HELPING ME WHENEVER I NEED IT. LOVE YOU ALL, GAIL
Replies
Gail I was taking Klonipin in December and had to stop for a couple of reasons. I found I was more depressed and had terrible melt downs, plus it made me very tired all the time. Now I\'m on Remeron and Zoloft and it seems to really be helping me. I was suffering very bad from anxiety and now I\'m actually feeling a little peaceful. It takes time for these medications to work though. By all means tell the doctor if you think the medication isn\'t right for you. There are so many different medications that work in so many different ways. Sometimes it\'s tricky to find the one that is right for you.
We have lived through the worse nightmare any mother can face. I know I suffered from shock at first, physcial shock as well as emotional shock. Eventually it turned to sadness and bad anxiety. I think I\'m slowly getting better now.
Sending you tight hugs and love, I trust it will get easier. Terry
An SSRI might be a better anti-depressant for you.. they are for me.. (your doctor will know the difference)...
Hugs maryLou
Klonipin didn\'t work for ME either. I stuck with Xanax. I was on .5MG 4x a day, I am now down to 1/2 .5MG morning, mid=day, and 1-1/2 at night (with 1/2 a 15MG Remeron, helps me sleep). I also take Prozac 20MG. Has helped. If I NEED to take another 1/2 a Xanax, I do, but that doesn\'t happen. I\'m not saying it won\'t, it just hasn\'t yet in the past month since I started to decrease the Xanax.
You definitely WILL BENEFIT GREATLY from counseling. I have TWO therapists, I see them both every week (Monday and Thursday). I also have a great faith in God (lifelong) and have been active in two churches and am now going to be a \"mentor\" to a child who resides in a local facility that houses children with mental/emotion disorders who have been dumped by their parents (or removed by the Court.) The ONLY WAY to come close to filling that \"hole in your heart\" is to give love to someone who needs it; you will receive it back in spades.
You made the right choice finding a professional. I am worried about you.
And I pray for you every day.
Jill
Gail, I honestly never believed I could feel any kind of happiness after my family was killed...I probably would never have believed anyone on this site who said differently-- if this site had been around 27 years ago!!!
But it DID \"get better\" \"easier\" whatever one wants to call it...bottom line is the pain stopped being that knife in my heart stab that almost literally killed me...
The triggers and the woulda coulda shoulda combo-- have the ability to take one down for the count..a real KO...it\'s normal to feel all these feelings with or without the meds...even with the meds there\'s probably going to be some
pretty intense feelings...Please remember that it won\'t always be this bad...I know I\'ve said this before...but the question I had back then was almost horrifying to me to think of--I didn\'t KNOW it would get better because everyone around me was SO DEPRESSED and never seemed to bounce back even years later...I didn\'t want to be like them! Even my close friend (also a Christian)--didn\'t think I could survive going through the loss of my family and actually prayed for me to never wake up from my post wreck surgery!...that REALLY scared me...! BUT...working through the issues when they presented themselves (to the best of my ability) and trying to keep from only thinking negatively (the glass is half full or half empty idea) when I was capable of CHOOSING something other than the painful side of things...and most importantly FORGIVING MYSELF for EVERYTHING I felt in anguish over, whether it was only in my way of looking at it or in fact, some actual failing on my part...I HAD TO forgive myself in order to slay the dragon of the woulda, coulda, shoulda\'s...all these things were of help to me! As a Christian, Jesus was my biggest help-- in all honesty I need to add that! By \"myself\" I could do nothing!
I kind of \"bottomed out\" before I started to heal, Gail. But that now, to me is a signal of sorts...when you finally reach the top of the mountain of pain...there is no where elseTO GO BUT DOWN the mountain ...
DE-creasing pain! Don\'t panic when you get to that bottoming out stage (for me it was worse the second year and the third year was greatly better) Because it\'s all DOWNHILL from that point (of release) onward as long as one ALLOWS it to be OK to start to feel better! (Some get \"stuck\")..I wrote something on Kandl\'s (Linda\'s) last journal that also might help a bit, I hope...about the lengthy process of \"letting go.\" Of course, all of this is my opinion and we are all different, all grieve differently, timing of stages, etc..but in my humble opinion, this is what I have learned after all of this time! You can do it...just never give up Hope...that is 1/2 the battle won my friend! Contact me any time! Love+Hugs, Donna
Going to the party is a huge step and thank goodness for doors when a breather is needed. Pats on the back for attending and it may seem like a small thing yet it is not.
You are wise to stay on top of the meds and how they are making you feel. Communication with your doctor is key at this time.
No one is meant to live in acute pain for their entire lives...It does begin to change and it is so slowly that most of us cannot pin point the \"moment\" yet one day that dark cloud does not seem to hover as tightly as it did. I remember the first time I noticed the sun upon my face and heard the robins singing their song.
You must feel in order to heal and that is what you are doing, Gail. It is the hardest work of a lifetime and one you were thrown into. I too look to all the moms who are a few steps further along on this path to know that I too will make it as will you.
Loving care and so much understanding from me to you this day.
XO Joanie
I\'m reading your journal on Friday and I hope you found Wednesday\'s session helpful and that your doctor will work with you to get the meds adjusted to what works best for you.
In the meantime ~ please try not to be too hard on yourself. We all have periods when it feels as if it\'s getting worse, not better, and especially as occasions, holidays and significant dates loom. I know it still seems kind of far away, but in our dark psychic spaces, June is not so very far away and you may be bracing yourself for this challenging first anniversary of losing Jackie.
For me, we\'re coming up on three years in July which is still pretty far away except for two things ~ the last time I ever saw Corrie alive was in late March as I was waving goodbye to her at the airport at the end of spring break. Four months before we lost her for good. Had I known, well, you know how I feel ~ I never would have let her go! And, second, as you read in my journal, Corrie\'s birthday is coming up a week from today. So, as I enter what one parent dubbed my \"season of grief\", though I have come a very long way since we first lost Corrie, I am crying every single day again ~ not for extended periods, but little pockets of sadness just randomly burst open once in awhile.
So ~ while you may feel that you\'re making no progress, or even falling backwards, you are, in fact, moving forward. You have made it to a certain plateau and now you need to rest, adjust the meds, and find out what is working for you and what isn\'t before attempting to resume the torturous climb up this long, steep precipice into which we have all fallen.
We are right here by your side ~ I\'m really glad that you\'re taking active steps to make it better.
Sending much love and big tight hugs of comfort and peace ~ Debbie
I\'ve somehow missed this journal Gail. I just want to reassure you that what you are feeling is NORMAL-- and that you CAN get through this pain. And remind you that it WON\'T always be this intense...
I admire your wanting to go to social events, but I hope you never feel pressured to go to something you\'re not \"up\" enough to attend. If anyone ever tells you \"You should this\" or \"You should that\"--as far as extending yourself...tell them to take a hike! Let THEM walk in your shoes...you know?
You are going through the absolute worst pain a mother could ever experience...\"happy\" events are difficult to go to when one\'s heart is broken no matter how much we care for the persons involved in the celebration...be kind to YOURSELF by self monitoring your moods and desires and just cancel if you need to...those who really care about you will understand...
Don\'t be surprised if you get extra down just prior to Jackie\'s Angel Day...sometimes, like for me, this can manifest itself as increased arguments-it\'s vitally important to plan accordingly so you have plenty of \"reserve\" to make it over (and through) that immense hurdle! Don\'t schedule too many activities! Rest as much as possible...another battle looms and you need to stay \"fit for battle!\" You CAN do it! Love, Donna
Thanks once again for all your support. Anticipating Easter Sun., is getting to me but my son and family, my best friend and her family and my niece and boyfriend are coming to me & my sister for dinner. My stomach hurts when I think about it. But, i\'m doing it to try and feel alive. I am dreading May 10th, Jackie\'s first Angel Day, She gave me Mothers Day last year and then killed herself. I am not going to fight it. I am going to allow myself to fall apart that day. My sister will take care of me. The anticipation is making me crazy. It went so fast. I feel like it just happened. I just can\'t believe she\'s gone. I see her face sometimes in other people. Its so strange. I know its not her but something about a stranger my look like her for a split second. Has that happened to anyone? \"Blessed Mother\" give me the strenght to get through this.