THE NEW YEAR
HI EVERYONE, WELL, I GOT THROUGH CHRISTMAS OK. THE EVE I WAS WITH MY SON, SISTER AND FAMILY, MY NEW GREAT GRANDSON WAS THERE WITH HIS PARENTS AND WE HAD A WONDERFUL TIME. HE IS SUCH A BLESSING.
CHRISTMAS DAY MY BEST FRIEND AND HER FAMILY CAME OVER AND MY SISTER AND I COOKED AND IT WENT WELL. SO NEW YEARS EVE, MY BEST FRIEND SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU AND DEBBIE COME OUT WITH US FOR DINNER". JUST MY GROUP OF FRIENDS WENT. IT WAS GOING OK. WE WENT TO THE RESTAURANT ABOUT 7:00 AND BACK TO MY FRIENDS HOUSE.
THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE ANXIETY CAME OVER ME AND I JUST COULDN'T STAY UNTIL 12:00. I WENT INTO THE KITCHEN AND FELT THE TEARS STARTING TO COME SO ME AND DEBBIE WENT HOME. I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW WHEN 12:00 CAME SO WE WENT TO BED. EVERY SINCE THAT NIGHT I HAVE BEEN CRYING MYSELF TO SLEEP.
ANOTHER YEAR HAS STARTED THAT MY JACKIE IS GONE AND NOT WITH ME. ALL I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IS HOW I WASN'T WITH HER WHEN SHE DIED. I CAN'T STOP THINKING HOW I SHOULD HAVE BEEN WITH HER AT HER BEDSIDE HOLDING HER HAND SO SHE COULD FEEL MY PRESENCE. I FEEL THAT I JUST CAN'T FORGIVE MYSELF. MY WHOLE FAMILY AND BEST FRIENDS ALL WERE WITH ME. I DON'T REMEMBER MUCH, I JUST REMEMBER SITTING THERE LIKE A DUMMY AND MY SISTER AND SON WERE JUST HANDLING EVERYTING. I WANTED TO GO INTO HER ROOM BUT MY SON AND SISTER THOUGHT IT BEST I NOT SEE HER. MY SISTER DEBBIE SAID THAT SHE DOEN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHY THEY PUT HER ON LIFE SUPPORT. SHE SAID THAT THE DOCTORS SAID THERE WAS A LITTLE EYE MOVEMENT. SHE SHOT HERSELF IN THE HEAD. I DO REMEMBER THE DOCTOR TELLING ME THAT IT WENT INTO THE BRAIN AND THERE WAS NO ACTIVITY. I AM HER MOTHER, I SHOULD HAVE BEEN WITH HER. PAUL TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS NOT RECOGNIZABLE AND I SHOULDN'T SEE HER THAT WAY. I JUST KEEP THINKING, WHAT KIND OF EXCUSE IS THAT, SHE IS MY CHILD, NOTHING SHOULD HAVE KEPT ME AWAY FROM HER. EVERYONE THERE SAID GOOD BYE TO HER EXCEPT ME. MY SON PAUL TOLD ME THAT MY NEPHEW ALMOST COLLAPSED WHEN HE SAW HER AND THOUGHT IT BEST I DIDN'T GO IN. I TALKED TO MY SISTER YESTERDAY ABOUT IT AND SHE SAID "GAIL, YOU WOULD NOT HAVE HANDLED IT. YOU WERE THERE PHYSICALLY, YOU WERE IN SHOCK, YOU DIDN'T MOVE FROM THE CHAIR AND JUST STAIRED INTO SPACE." WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT, IN MY MIND I DO KNOW THAT IF I SAW JACKIE LIKE THAT I WOULD HAVE PROBABLY FALLEN APART. BUT MAYBE NOT IF I WAS IN SHOCK, MAYBE I WOULD NOT HAVE HAD ANY EMOTION. ALL I KNOW IS THAT NOW, I CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP BEGGING HER FORGIVENESS THAT" ME", HER MOTHER WAS NOT WITH HER TO COMFORT AND LOVE HER WHEN SHE LEFT THIS LIFE. I WANT TO RATIONALIZE ALL THIS BUT I JUST CAN'T. I AM STUCK IN THIS PLACE. I SHOULD HAVE GONE OUT WITH HER THAT DAY AND I SHOULD HAVE BEEN WITH HER. HOW DO I RECONCILE THIS. WILL I EVER GET THIS FEELING TO GO AWAY. NO, I THINK NOT. I FEEL LIKE I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE BUSY SO I DON'T THINK. BUT THEN THE NIGHT I HAVE NO CHOICE. MY HEART HURTS SO MUCH. I HATE THIS. ONE DAY GOOD, THEN ONE DAY NOT SO GOOD. THIS IS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. MY SISTER, WHO I LIVE WITH, IS VERY SUPPORTIVE, LOVING AND UNDERSTANDING, AND MY SON, HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR ME. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH FOR THIS. BUT....... THERE ARE NO ANSWERS, JUST THE COMPLICATION OF MY MIND. MY SON AND MY NIECE WAS WITH JACKIE. THEY WERE NAMED IN HER LIVING WILL. SHE DIDN'T WANT TO BE ON LIFE SUPPORT. THEY STAYED WITH HER. THEY KISSED HER AND SAID IT WAS FROM 'MOM' I WASN'T THERE WHEN SHE TOOK HER LAST BREATH. THE ONLY THING I DID WAS GO TO THE FUNERAL PARLOR AND PICK OUT HER COFFIN AND I WAS SO "MATTER OF FACT", NO TEARS. TALKING TO ALL OF YOU ABOUT THIS GIVES ME COMFORT. YOU UNDERSTAND, YOU KNOW, ITS GOING TO BE ONE YEAR AND EIGHT MONTHS ON THE 10TH OF JANUARY AND I KNOW THAT DAY AFTER DAY, YEAR AFTER YEAR I WILL GRIEVE THE LOSS OF MY DAUGHTER AND HAVE TO LEARN TO LIVE WITHOUT HER. HOW HORRIBLE, HOW UNFAIR, HOW PAINFUL OUR LOSSES.
I APOLOGIZE IF I HAVE ADDED TO YOUR SORROW TODAY, BUT I JUST HAD TO WRITE THIS DOWN. I KNOW YOU ARE ALL HERE FOR ME AS I AM FOR YOU. I LOVE YOU ALL GAIL
CHRISTMAS DAY MY BEST FRIEND AND HER FAMILY CAME OVER AND MY SISTER AND I COOKED AND IT WENT WELL. SO NEW YEARS EVE, MY BEST FRIEND SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU AND DEBBIE COME OUT WITH US FOR DINNER". JUST MY GROUP OF FRIENDS WENT. IT WAS GOING OK. WE WENT TO THE RESTAURANT ABOUT 7:00 AND BACK TO MY FRIENDS HOUSE.
THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE ANXIETY CAME OVER ME AND I JUST COULDN'T STAY UNTIL 12:00. I WENT INTO THE KITCHEN AND FELT THE TEARS STARTING TO COME SO ME AND DEBBIE WENT HOME. I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW WHEN 12:00 CAME SO WE WENT TO BED. EVERY SINCE THAT NIGHT I HAVE BEEN CRYING MYSELF TO SLEEP.
ANOTHER YEAR HAS STARTED THAT MY JACKIE IS GONE AND NOT WITH ME. ALL I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IS HOW I WASN'T WITH HER WHEN SHE DIED. I CAN'T STOP THINKING HOW I SHOULD HAVE BEEN WITH HER AT HER BEDSIDE HOLDING HER HAND SO SHE COULD FEEL MY PRESENCE. I FEEL THAT I JUST CAN'T FORGIVE MYSELF. MY WHOLE FAMILY AND BEST FRIENDS ALL WERE WITH ME. I DON'T REMEMBER MUCH, I JUST REMEMBER SITTING THERE LIKE A DUMMY AND MY SISTER AND SON WERE JUST HANDLING EVERYTING. I WANTED TO GO INTO HER ROOM BUT MY SON AND SISTER THOUGHT IT BEST I NOT SEE HER. MY SISTER DEBBIE SAID THAT SHE DOEN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHY THEY PUT HER ON LIFE SUPPORT. SHE SAID THAT THE DOCTORS SAID THERE WAS A LITTLE EYE MOVEMENT. SHE SHOT HERSELF IN THE HEAD. I DO REMEMBER THE DOCTOR TELLING ME THAT IT WENT INTO THE BRAIN AND THERE WAS NO ACTIVITY. I AM HER MOTHER, I SHOULD HAVE BEEN WITH HER. PAUL TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS NOT RECOGNIZABLE AND I SHOULDN'T SEE HER THAT WAY. I JUST KEEP THINKING, WHAT KIND OF EXCUSE IS THAT, SHE IS MY CHILD, NOTHING SHOULD HAVE KEPT ME AWAY FROM HER. EVERYONE THERE SAID GOOD BYE TO HER EXCEPT ME. MY SON PAUL TOLD ME THAT MY NEPHEW ALMOST COLLAPSED WHEN HE SAW HER AND THOUGHT IT BEST I DIDN'T GO IN. I TALKED TO MY SISTER YESTERDAY ABOUT IT AND SHE SAID "GAIL, YOU WOULD NOT HAVE HANDLED IT. YOU WERE THERE PHYSICALLY, YOU WERE IN SHOCK, YOU DIDN'T MOVE FROM THE CHAIR AND JUST STAIRED INTO SPACE." WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT, IN MY MIND I DO KNOW THAT IF I SAW JACKIE LIKE THAT I WOULD HAVE PROBABLY FALLEN APART. BUT MAYBE NOT IF I WAS IN SHOCK, MAYBE I WOULD NOT HAVE HAD ANY EMOTION. ALL I KNOW IS THAT NOW, I CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP BEGGING HER FORGIVENESS THAT" ME", HER MOTHER WAS NOT WITH HER TO COMFORT AND LOVE HER WHEN SHE LEFT THIS LIFE. I WANT TO RATIONALIZE ALL THIS BUT I JUST CAN'T. I AM STUCK IN THIS PLACE. I SHOULD HAVE GONE OUT WITH HER THAT DAY AND I SHOULD HAVE BEEN WITH HER. HOW DO I RECONCILE THIS. WILL I EVER GET THIS FEELING TO GO AWAY. NO, I THINK NOT. I FEEL LIKE I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE BUSY SO I DON'T THINK. BUT THEN THE NIGHT I HAVE NO CHOICE. MY HEART HURTS SO MUCH. I HATE THIS. ONE DAY GOOD, THEN ONE DAY NOT SO GOOD. THIS IS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. MY SISTER, WHO I LIVE WITH, IS VERY SUPPORTIVE, LOVING AND UNDERSTANDING, AND MY SON, HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR ME. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH FOR THIS. BUT....... THERE ARE NO ANSWERS, JUST THE COMPLICATION OF MY MIND. MY SON AND MY NIECE WAS WITH JACKIE. THEY WERE NAMED IN HER LIVING WILL. SHE DIDN'T WANT TO BE ON LIFE SUPPORT. THEY STAYED WITH HER. THEY KISSED HER AND SAID IT WAS FROM 'MOM' I WASN'T THERE WHEN SHE TOOK HER LAST BREATH. THE ONLY THING I DID WAS GO TO THE FUNERAL PARLOR AND PICK OUT HER COFFIN AND I WAS SO "MATTER OF FACT", NO TEARS. TALKING TO ALL OF YOU ABOUT THIS GIVES ME COMFORT. YOU UNDERSTAND, YOU KNOW, ITS GOING TO BE ONE YEAR AND EIGHT MONTHS ON THE 10TH OF JANUARY AND I KNOW THAT DAY AFTER DAY, YEAR AFTER YEAR I WILL GRIEVE THE LOSS OF MY DAUGHTER AND HAVE TO LEARN TO LIVE WITHOUT HER. HOW HORRIBLE, HOW UNFAIR, HOW PAINFUL OUR LOSSES.
I APOLOGIZE IF I HAVE ADDED TO YOUR SORROW TODAY, BUT I JUST HAD TO WRITE THIS DOWN. I KNOW YOU ARE ALL HERE FOR ME AS I AM FOR YOU. I LOVE YOU ALL GAIL
Replies
Gail, losing your sweet child was such a shock. You did what you could at the time. There was nothing you could do. Guilt is a common feeling to such a loss. Again, you did the best you could at the time. I know Jackie would understand.
Time does help the loss but it comes back at the most unexpected times. It hits us like two giant rocks and we are stuck between them. We lost control, and it will place a grip on us. I lost Josh 3-1/2 years ago. Last year seemed like a better holiday than this year. Why I slid back I do not know.
Please Gail, if there is ANY guilt to be TRULY had, forgive yourself. It was out of our control.
Love ya,
Leda
Please don\'t apologize for writing your feelings. We all have those feeling and understand them...you are allowed to vent...it helps when you do. Most of us feel guilty and think we could have done more. Please know you are not alone.
No apologizes this is the place to say what you feel and let it out. I believe Jackie wasn\'t in her body any longer by the time she was in the hospital. She had already gone on.
I don\'t know if Jason lived for any length of time after he shot himself in the head, he was alone in his home and wasn\'t found until later in the day. Jim, my older son, said that the corner said he probably died instantly. I don\'t know if he is saying that to ease my pain. I can\'t stand the thought of what he must have looked like but I\'m glad I didn\'t see him because I could not live with that picture in my mind.
Our horror is the worse thing a mother could imagine. We need to guard our thoughts and don\'t let our minds go to the thoughts of our children\'s deaths. I know it\'s easier said then done, I know it all too well.
Terry
I can relate. My daughter too shot herself in the head and I didn\'t see her. She died alone. The coroner said she didn\'t suffer. I wanted to ask the funeral director to let me see her before they started working on her, knew she was there when we were making arrangements. Couldn\'t do it, wanted to but couldn\'t. Maybe it\'s best I didn\'t but another one of those things that I\'ll never know. I\'m sorry you, too, have this feeling. WOuldn\'t wish it on my worst enemy, but do wish you peace. Glad you were able to write about this as I haven\'t until today. THank you. Your friend, BarbaraWawa
Oh dear one, stop beating yourself up! Your daughter was already gone. I do understand. My son died of a drug overdose and I never went to the hospital that night. One of his best friends identified him. I didn\'t see him until the next day after they brought him to the funeral home. For the longest time, I berated myself on what kind of a mother I was that never went to the hospital. It was in the middle of the night and I lived over an hour away. I have wished that I could have been there with him, while he was still warm. But I have come to terms with the terrible shock that I was in and I was certainly in no condition to drive an hour and 15 minutes myself and I had no one to take me. It is what it is, Gail. Michael\'s b/f, who found my son dying, described him as he died...blue, drool running out of his mouth, the horror of giving CPR and the rescue squad giving injections to revive etc. It is best that I did not see my son like this, I know. Be at peace. Your daughter knows of your love and our kids would not have wanted us to see them as they died as they did. Hugs Belinda
Dear Gail, your daughter did not expect to be in the hospital and especially not on life support . She planned to be alone and as a nurse I can tell you of how many times families are at bedsides for hours and days and it is when they leave to eat, whatever, that the patient passes from this earth..I always try to reassure them that their loved one planned it,.they did not want their family members with them.
Hugs marylou...and ps never apologize for your feelings..this is a safe place and your feelings are ones most of us have felt at one time or another
Oh Gail, my heart goes out to you. Let it out here love...we are all here for you. My son didn\'t die by suicide but I wasn\'t with him either...he died alone. And when I was called at work and came right to his house the coroner\'s office wouldn\'t let me see him. They didn\'t know what had happened so they had taped off his apartment & treated it like a crime scene. (it was a heart attack..37 years old, no prior symptoms). I saw him taken out in a body bag and driven away to Boston for an autopsy. We didn\'t know for 8 months what happened since the coroner\'s office moved extremely slowly and inefficiently. Then I blamed myself. Did anything I did contribute to his stress? Why didn\'t I insist he move in with me? (I knew he was worried about money & had his hours cut at work). Why didn\'t I nag him more about his smoking and on & on in my mind. I even berated myself for not spending more time with my son at his wake..but the truth is I was in shock and so many people came to Ed\'s wake I could barely get near him..and he was gone anyway. Gone on the be with the Lord. Gail, you would have moved Heaven and Earth to save Jackie but the truth is none of us could have saved our children\'s lives. It is the same magical thinking I had when Ed was little..I could kiss his booboo and make it all better. If only we could...I can tell you what I believe. That Jackie and Ed knew and know even now how much we love them and that they are cradled in God\'s loving arms and are experiencing eternal and perfect love and light and are fully healed, body and mind. You will see Jackie again one day. In comparison to eternity it will not be long. Until then love her, love your son, grandchildren and most of all love yourself. You did nothing wrong! I promise you Jackie wants you to have peace and love in your life. Tight hugs of understanding, Linda
The main thing I thought beyond how sad I am for you because I can so feel your pain... was oh please don\'t worry about sharing... I have found through all this that sharing doesn\'t bring waves of pain to me... honestly I have come to understand that the pain... the sadness... that is with me always now... I work to avoid dwelling on the part that tears me down most of the time... irregardless sometimes my mind goes there... I struggle as we all do to move my thoughts into different channels... no as I read my heart just wants to comfort you... and to be grateful that you share your heart... your precious daughter... don\'t you feel like you come to know and love our children through our stories... I know I do... Right now I\'m thinking how sad it is that Jackie struggled and had done so well and then to be hit with an illness that caused her so much pain she decided death was preferrable... I\'m in awe of her struggling through the societal disrespect to find self acceptance... and moved by the closeness of her relationship with you... that\'s special as we are blessed to know... I so strongly feel the connection between you and Jackie... and I\'m totally convinced she is grateful you did not come to her bedside to see her poor wounded body... I pray you will find her in your dreams and you hold her and kiss her and be grateful for all the memories you two built... Forgive yourself because Jackie is not angry or sad... she understands what we will understand when we join them... no reason to miss you she is with you... no reason to be sad she lived the time she had here and now she has gone on ahead... someday we will be with them and we\'ll understand that better... and mom... she loves you still and she always has and always will.
The love and understanding that we have on this site is the best thing that has happened to me after losing Jackie. Talking to all of you, who know better than anyone what a loss like this can do to a parent is such comfort. Everyone\'s words have such tenderness to them and such meaning. It does help me try to understand the depth of how Jackie\'s depression had gotten and that she does know how much I love her and miss her. I know she is with me, but sometimes I just want to hold her tight in my arms and tell her how everything will be ok like I used to. If only she gave herself more time. I am going to start to see a new therapist. The one I was going to I didn\'t connect with. It scares me to think I may never be happy again, because I DO have so much to be happy about. I pray that one day it will come. I break down when I see something sad on TV or hear a song. The other day after I watched Breaking Dawn Pt. 1, the song 1000 Thousand Years came on by Christina Perri. It doesn\'t pertain to a love between a mother and daughter, but I put it there and broke down hysterical. It\'s so hard, but every day I do try to live a little more. I love you all and maybe this year I can come to the retreat. I want to meet the women that became so important in my life. Love Gail