The new face of hate
I saw an episode of Daily show where trevor Noah interviewed Tomi Lahren. Tomi - the new face of hate. disguised in long blond hair and a black cocktail dress. NO longer are figures of hate low IQ skinhead thugs. This woman is strong - smart -pretty (in the hollywood sense). she can hold her own in an argument. her show is followed by millions. This new landscape of hate is more complicated. What scares me the most? the ability these people have to hide in their own lies. They can't see their own contradictions. they have the ability to convince themselves that their rhetoric is not about hate- it's about freedom. you are not the abuser - in fact, YOU are being abused. this “warping” of the truth is so incredibly familiar to me - I know this story of warping the truth. I kow how the abusers can turn themsevles into victims and turn the victims into spoiled good for nothing entitled bratts who need to shutup, listen and obey. When I meditate I tell myself that I will need to keep coming back. I need to strengthen my "third" eye. To get back to myself.
I saw my younger self in tight braids that gave me headaches. I thought of the mom squeezing me into her view of how I should be. I thought of how I can easily get to those feelings of hate towards the mom. The dad however, this is harder. I picture a cloudy faint blue green color of fog that surrounded me - I feel like something should be happening in this mediation - I tell myself to trust in the silence. just allow whatever to come to come and to be. don’t force anything. I see the dad - almost as a distant figure of a person who was part of someone else’s life - not mine. I sat on the bed of my younger self. she felt ugly and ridiculous -annoying - unwanted - unstable - and I thought of the snail forming and closing around her and I felt that creating the snail to represent her was a way to find peace. I cried. I thought of how unstable Belle(my younger self) was and how creating a false self (the snail) created stability - I could FEEL it and I became incredibly sad. It was a strange cry like something else inside of me was crying but it wasn’t exactly my present self that was feeling sad. I kept crying like this - it was a sort of odd feeling to be detached from a self that was crying. but I also felt more at peace when I was done.
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The image of a snail is new, but developing or picturing a shell around myself is not. My problem is I can't make the shell strong enough. It cracks a lot or completely shatters leaving me that poor snail who can't survive without it. So you go looking for a new shell, that works for a while until it breaks too.
I watched that Tomi Lorhen interview twice because I found it so fascinating. And scary. You nailed it: "This woman is strong - smart -pretty (in the hollywood sense). she can hold her own in an argument. her show is followed by millions. This new landscape of hate is more complicated."
Very complicated. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on it. I was hoping someone would. I loved how Trevor Noah kept asking her how a black man SHOULD protest. I also loved how he tried his hardest to get her to see that BLM is a not about violence. I hope Colin Kaepernick goes on her show. I think he'd destroy her. He's been very vocal about his motives for peacefully protesting.
When I can get into a good cry, it feels like a massive release of unburied trauma. I hope that is how it works for you.
I also saw that interview. It was disturbing. I felt that Trevor Noah could hardly bear to look at her. I feel like these people are high on their sense of outraged entitlement, it's almost like a drug for them. I feel like I know that "high" that comes from getting hyped up and angry (though in my case it was about different things). It made me feel powerful.
It is wonderful that you keep coming back to yourself, strengthening your inner eye to see the truth and connecting with your inner children. Your beautiful writing reminds me of the alchemy we can perform, creating art out of suffering. Our inner children are all brilliant artists who found amazing ways to survive. I have never experienced what you describe: crying but feeling like it's someone else who is feeling the pain. For you to have that experience shows what a growing connection you have to your inner children.
I loved this DW: "creating art out of suffering" - so incredibly true. an amazingly beautiful contradiction. Thanks for all your thoughts. I saw that trevor could barely look at this women - can you imagine being him? just wow. JR - a good cry does feel like a massive relief - thanks for your thoughts. It's like something that was stuck - is suddenly -freeingly - unstuck. I also loved how Tomi couldn't answer Trevor noah's simple question of "how should a black man protest" - she of course has no answers - she only knows how to incite. Paulinaakk1 - you have some interesting thoughts on the snail. It sounds like you also invasion a snail shell in which to hide. I'm lucky in that my snail was strong enough to not break - intact - it's still very much intact with belle hiding inside. she's so comfortable with the situation that I can't get her to come out. I'm sorry you cannot find a way to protect yourself- that sounds like an incredibly tuff situation. Thanks everyone for the wonderful comments.