The monster inside me
I think I have been handling things the best I caN, I was a non confrontational wife . I just wanted to keep him happy ...for years . I see it now , I don't know how I became that way . I don't like it, I am almost ashamed that I did that. How could I become so passive . I was not that passive before . I think and I don't know why I became that way .
My mother always had a boyfriend a different one every few years. They were jerks . I used to give them attitude for it too. I protected my mom , I set them straight , well as much as a girl that age could do ( 7-27) Iasked my mom, why are you always with some jerk ? You don't need them ! You are fine by yourself , you have the means to take care of yourself . Put yourself first don't take crap from guys. I preached a good speech .. my mom passed away when I was 27.
i didn't realize just how much my husband was treating me like crap , or maybe I just shoved it where the sun don't shine, he told me he wanted to do his own thing a divorce and it absolutely tore my soul apart. Then came the shock, the depression, the anger.
Now , even though I have my plan to survive this divorce financially , and have fully accepted it , I am starting to remember every douche bag thing my husband ever said to me and how I was just quiet. No voice , not out of fear but self doubt. I think of those things and I think of how strong I was before . How the heck did this happen to me? I wondered.
I have been quiet but for a different reason. I have poison in my blood . I have utter disgust for him. All those men my mom was with , I look at my stbx and see them. See them for the scum they are. angry that I am forty three and was with this guy all this time thinking he was some kind of hero when he was not. I was Blind . It may be the anger talking but that venom is here, I am quiet now become my anger is worse . I don't look at him , my skin crawls when I hear his voice, I avoid talking too much because I am so poisonous right now . I have a monster in me , that wants nothing else But to make his life hell on earth. All that silence and all that tolerating I did during this marriage has just bled out. I have never been this angry . But yet i still tolerate his presence , for good reason but it doesn't help. Even when I talk to him nicely for my son's sake my skin crawls and I have to end the conversation quickly.
I don't know where I am going with this entry , I feel like this anger is its own entity. I know I have a right to be angry . I willcontrol my anger as much as I can. I keep saying to myself this is temporary . . he will be leaving . I am grateful not to be in despair , I am sad but the anger is very powerful and trumps everything else. Guess I just needed to vent .
My mother always had a boyfriend a different one every few years. They were jerks . I used to give them attitude for it too. I protected my mom , I set them straight , well as much as a girl that age could do ( 7-27) Iasked my mom, why are you always with some jerk ? You don't need them ! You are fine by yourself , you have the means to take care of yourself . Put yourself first don't take crap from guys. I preached a good speech .. my mom passed away when I was 27.
i didn't realize just how much my husband was treating me like crap , or maybe I just shoved it where the sun don't shine, he told me he wanted to do his own thing a divorce and it absolutely tore my soul apart. Then came the shock, the depression, the anger.
Now , even though I have my plan to survive this divorce financially , and have fully accepted it , I am starting to remember every douche bag thing my husband ever said to me and how I was just quiet. No voice , not out of fear but self doubt. I think of those things and I think of how strong I was before . How the heck did this happen to me? I wondered.
I have been quiet but for a different reason. I have poison in my blood . I have utter disgust for him. All those men my mom was with , I look at my stbx and see them. See them for the scum they are. angry that I am forty three and was with this guy all this time thinking he was some kind of hero when he was not. I was Blind . It may be the anger talking but that venom is here, I am quiet now become my anger is worse . I don't look at him , my skin crawls when I hear his voice, I avoid talking too much because I am so poisonous right now . I have a monster in me , that wants nothing else But to make his life hell on earth. All that silence and all that tolerating I did during this marriage has just bled out. I have never been this angry . But yet i still tolerate his presence , for good reason but it doesn't help. Even when I talk to him nicely for my son's sake my skin crawls and I have to end the conversation quickly.
I don't know where I am going with this entry , I feel like this anger is its own entity. I know I have a right to be angry . I willcontrol my anger as much as I can. I keep saying to myself this is temporary . . he will be leaving . I am grateful not to be in despair , I am sad but the anger is very powerful and trumps everything else. Guess I just needed to vent .
Replies
I do not know if you are very spiritual but here is a verse that may help you, Psalm 37:8 8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret--it leads only to evil. 9 For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land. 10 A little while, and the wicked will be no more; though you look for them, they will not be found. 11 But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy great peace. 12 The wicked plot against the righteous and gnash their teeth at them; 13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked, for he knows their day is coming. 14 The wicked draw the sword and bend the bow to bring down the poor and needy, to slay those whose ways are upright. 15 But their swords will pierce their own hearts, and their bows will be broken. 16 Better the little that the righteous have than the wealth of many wicked;
I think the anger is normal, and can be beneficial. If anger helps you get through a day and get a few things done, while sadness would have you curled up in bed unable to face the world, then anger is the better path... for now. I know I felt better being angry than sad in the early stages, and was able to use the anger to motivate me to do things (like exercise, prepare financial docs for the divorce, etc).
Of course you can\'t hold the anger forever. It will eat you up from the inside out. But for now, I would let it be. Feel it, use it. Eventually you will get past this stage where you are forced to live with him. The stress and anger will drop a lot. A healthier mindset will creep in over time.
I know that living with them after D-day is incredibly tough. I did it for about 5.5 weeks post-divorce-decision and about 3.5 weeks after D-day (found out about the cheating 2 weeks after she wanted the divorce). That\'s about how long I made it. I visited a friend out of town for a weekend and he urged me to just get out of the house. I moved in with my parents for a month before my new place was ready. Slept on the floor. I\'m glad I did it.
Good luck to you.
I understand the anger. I got real angry a few weeks ago and it had died down. Then her mother called me and texted me and the anger came flowing back.
I have since blocked her on my phone and have decided I don\'t need that kind of poison right now. The anger felt good because it masked the pain. But when the anger subsides the pain comes back. I like the anger better but it was tearing me apart inside. I want indifference but that has not come yet.
Will be interesting how our stories change over the next few months.
Im still amazed at home much everyone\'s stories are similar. Its like a disease we have all contracted with the same symptoms.
Take care
Anger is the appropriate emotion. And it\'s ok. Actually healthy I believe. You need to work through it. So let it happen. You are so strong for not giving in and you are even stronger for controlling your anger in front of your child. You are a fantastic mother and your son will see this when the time is right. During my really angry phases I screamed into pillows, punched pillows or anything soft pretended it was my stbx or the OW. It really helped me.
Keep up the good work!!!