The Hell Persists

So... for the last couple nights I have cried myself to sleep, after breaking dowb and cutting several times throughout the day. All the drama the people around here at home like to make isn't of much help ether. fights with my mother... With the cleaning lady!! etc. My sister also confronted me last night. Screaming, asking a bunch of questions. Are you crying??! Whyy??? What's the matter ith you??! Look at me! Ehh?? Heeeey?? What happened?! Why can't yu just talk to me! Are you listening??! But tell me! So ow I an't een ook at you! After a looot of insistence I just told her to knock it off and lave me alone.
Today I felt like shit ever since I woke up. I looked like crap... Eyes swollen, pale, dead stare... Didn't wanna go out of bed. I ended up punching my head again nd hitting it with other objects again... Twice. in the bathroom at college. Still felt uneasy, sad, anxious, awkward, hopeless. Until I sw my boyfriend again this afternoon (came to the city from Wdnesday to Tuesday). He made it a better for me. But as soon as I get in the car with my mother, I start feeling tense again. And she of course started criticizing me right away... *sigh*
No, I can't move away.
Also, I'm going to Chile for a couple of weeks next Thursday and I won't be able to see my therapist again till I come back. Didn't manage to get an appointment before I leave.
 I'm also constantly haunted by graphic suicide thoughts triggered by the most random everyday objects and intrusive and obsessive dark thoughts of other kinds... I'm scared and hopeless.
It's confusing because at the same time I have the constant impulse of just dropping everything: meds, therapy, psychiatrist, trying to get better, trying to gain weight, trying to stay healthy, being free from self-harm, etc... I'm just so tired of trying, of living, of waking up...
 
NNo, can't "just talk to my family about this" but I won't get into reasons again right now.