the gloves are off

Tuesday night after I got home he said he wanted to talk.  He told me that he had met someone and that this person was not comfortable dating until I was out of the house...so I just needed to get out...with or without the animals.  This is the one card that I never thought he would play.

He knows I have been through this.  He knows that my ex husband forced me to move out on christmas eve day all those years ago and was basically going to throw my stuff out on the lawn if I didn't just go.  He knows how much that hurt has stayed with me all these years and is one of the reasons I still don't enjoy christmas.  I really didn't think he would go there...but he did.

I am sick to my stomach with all the anger and rage I am holding inside.  I did not want us to hate each other...clearly he has other ideas.

It's not about the supposed girlfriend(which I even doubt is true since is so sudden), I actually hope that he finds someone that he can be happy with.  He acts like I am not even trying to find somewhere to go.  He has always said that it was not his house, that it was OUR house.  clearly that was never true..and I never believed it. His dad owns that house..there was never any doubt which one of us had to leave.  I just didn't think he would slap me in the face with it.  He sat there and still tried to say it was our house..to which I called bullshit.  I said, then why aren't you the one moving out?  why does it have to be me?  I have a better chance of making the house payment which is only 840 than some one bedroom shithole for a 1000.  I laid there for a really long time trying to go to sleep.  I didn't sleep very well last night either.

Yesterday, one of the property managers at work told me that a downstairs unit suddenly came available with enough patio for the dog....but it's 990.00  I swallowed what little bit of pride I had left and went into the big owners office and cried and begged her to help me with some kind of discount.  She said she would talk to the one that had already told me no and see what she could do. 

I don't ever want to do that again.  I am so sick this morning.  I hate that I had to even consider that.  I didn't want to come to work now.  I am also still hopeful that the roommate situation may pan out.  and as a third option I have found a studio which a converted old hotel room that we could go into.  I would need to get a storage unit for most of my stuff but I don't even care anymore.  I just want this to be over with so I can hide in whatever hole I end up in.  I hate him now and I don't even want to have to see him at all.  I am not looking forward to this three day holiday weekend.  I feel sick just thinking about it.  I never even got him a card for his birthday and now I am glad.  the only card I would want to give him at this point is to write fuck you on a piece of paper and hand it to him...mostly so I just wouldn't have to speak to him. 

I am so uncomfortable with myself right now.  I don't want to be at the house, or at work, or anywhere really.  I don't belong anywhere anymore.  I am so tired of this life.  I don't know why it always has to be so hard and horrible. 

Dear Steve,  Congratulations, you pushed the one button that you knew would make me never forgive you and break whatever link was possibly left between us.  I HATE you!  I hope that is what you were going for.  I hope this new found girlfriend likes fat alcoholic and that she is not too clingy as I have always been for you.  I guarantee that no panic attack I ever have would ever make me turn to you for aid ever again.  I would rather die.