THE FUTURE
My emotions are all over the place lately. I know I must go on with my life and every day is a struggle. There are moments when Jackie is not even in my thoughts. I have to go for knee surgery, a replacement. But first I have to see the hospital psychiatrist for clearance because the therapy is very tough and I will be on major meds and my surgeon doesn't want me under any more stress. Then I'm getting a divorce, but that was coming before Jackie got sick. I wouldn't move out and leave her. My husband is an alcoholic and Jackie was very upset with him towards the end. But that's another story. I'm staying with my sister and she is my rock now.
I joined Jenny Craig to lose weight because Jackie used to bother me all the time that she needed me around and was afraid for my health. What good is that now. But because of the surgery, I have to.
She was my best friend and I was hers. She wanted me to leave. I was so unhappy for so long. Its not easy living with an alcoholic. We used to be so happy. Everything changed when his mother died but then, again, thats another story.
So, my first love found me on face book about a year ago and me and Jackie went to meet him for coffee. She liked him very much and encouraged me to keep in touch with him so that should tell all of you something about how disappointed and unhappy she was with her father. When she was a little girl he was her Hero.
So here I am starting over. I could have had everything. A new knee, a new look, a divorce and money and a new man that still loves me after 40 years. But what good is it now. I don't have Jackie. Its not fair. I'm 62. She was 30, a whole life ahead of her. Somebody tell me. Really, I can finally be a little happy. But I don't want it without her. She was a big part of that plan.
I have my son and grandchildren. I have to live for them, I know. I just don't want to be happy. Everything is so wrong. So wrong. I wake up crying and go to sleep crying. I take my xanax after I have my coffee and i'm good to go. May 10th changed my life forever. I have to go on without my Jackie. HOW.
I joined Jenny Craig to lose weight because Jackie used to bother me all the time that she needed me around and was afraid for my health. What good is that now. But because of the surgery, I have to.
She was my best friend and I was hers. She wanted me to leave. I was so unhappy for so long. Its not easy living with an alcoholic. We used to be so happy. Everything changed when his mother died but then, again, thats another story.
So, my first love found me on face book about a year ago and me and Jackie went to meet him for coffee. She liked him very much and encouraged me to keep in touch with him so that should tell all of you something about how disappointed and unhappy she was with her father. When she was a little girl he was her Hero.
So here I am starting over. I could have had everything. A new knee, a new look, a divorce and money and a new man that still loves me after 40 years. But what good is it now. I don't have Jackie. Its not fair. I'm 62. She was 30, a whole life ahead of her. Somebody tell me. Really, I can finally be a little happy. But I don't want it without her. She was a big part of that plan.
I have my son and grandchildren. I have to live for them, I know. I just don't want to be happy. Everything is so wrong. So wrong. I wake up crying and go to sleep crying. I take my xanax after I have my coffee and i'm good to go. May 10th changed my life forever. I have to go on without my Jackie. HOW.
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