THE FUTURE
My emotions are all over the place lately. I know I must go on with my life and every day is a struggle. There are moments when Jackie is not even in my thoughts. I have to go for knee surgery, a replacement. But first I have to see the hospital psychiatrist for clearance because the therapy is very tough and I will be on major meds and my surgeon doesn't want me under any more stress. Then I'm getting a divorce, but that was coming before Jackie got sick. I wouldn't move out and leave her. My husband is an alcoholic and Jackie was very upset with him towards the end. But that's another story. I'm staying with my sister and she is my rock now.
I joined Jenny Craig to lose weight because Jackie used to bother me all the time that she needed me around and was afraid for my health. What good is that now. But because of the surgery, I have to.
She was my best friend and I was hers. She wanted me to leave. I was so unhappy for so long. Its not easy living with an alcoholic. We used to be so happy. Everything changed when his mother died but then, again, thats another story.
So, my first love found me on face book about a year ago and me and Jackie went to meet him for coffee. She liked him very much and encouraged me to keep in touch with him so that should tell all of you something about how disappointed and unhappy she was with her father. When she was a little girl he was her Hero.
So here I am starting over. I could have had everything. A new knee, a new look, a divorce and money and a new man that still loves me after 40 years. But what good is it now. I don't have Jackie. Its not fair. I'm 62. She was 30, a whole life ahead of her. Somebody tell me. Really, I can finally be a little happy. But I don't want it without her. She was a big part of that plan.
I have my son and grandchildren. I have to live for them, I know. I just don't want to be happy. Everything is so wrong. So wrong. I wake up crying and go to sleep crying. I take my xanax after I have my coffee and i'm good to go. May 10th changed my life forever. I have to go on without my Jackie. HOW.
I joined Jenny Craig to lose weight because Jackie used to bother me all the time that she needed me around and was afraid for my health. What good is that now. But because of the surgery, I have to.
She was my best friend and I was hers. She wanted me to leave. I was so unhappy for so long. Its not easy living with an alcoholic. We used to be so happy. Everything changed when his mother died but then, again, thats another story.
So, my first love found me on face book about a year ago and me and Jackie went to meet him for coffee. She liked him very much and encouraged me to keep in touch with him so that should tell all of you something about how disappointed and unhappy she was with her father. When she was a little girl he was her Hero.
So here I am starting over. I could have had everything. A new knee, a new look, a divorce and money and a new man that still loves me after 40 years. But what good is it now. I don't have Jackie. Its not fair. I'm 62. She was 30, a whole life ahead of her. Somebody tell me. Really, I can finally be a little happy. But I don't want it without her. She was a big part of that plan.
I have my son and grandchildren. I have to live for them, I know. I just don't want to be happy. Everything is so wrong. So wrong. I wake up crying and go to sleep crying. I take my xanax after I have my coffee and i'm good to go. May 10th changed my life forever. I have to go on without my Jackie. HOW.
Replies
I don\'t know \"HOW\". One day at a time, stupid saying but it\'s the only way. Not wanting to be happy is part of grief/guilt that somehow if you\'re happy you don\'t love your daughter or miss her. I think this will pass with time. Maybe your knee surgery is a bit too much right now...maybe you should consider waiting a few months. It takes a while to get back to normal functioning and how will you go where you need to go (like the counselor), etc.? Be sure you\'re certain you can do this right now. I HAD to move, both because that house just has too many constant reminders AND for financial reasons, but the move really set me back and it\'s taking a while to get back where I was before I moved (one month ago).
I don\'t see any reason to go on living without April. She WAS my reason for living. It was her and me from the moment I found out I was pregnant on Sept. 6 1986 at 3:15PM. That\'s a quarter of a century of putting MY life aside for HER life, which is what I did. So every memory I have for the past quarter century has April in it and she\'s not here to say, \"Remember when...\" I\'m alone at least physically. I make myself go out, I make myself do volunteer work, church ministry work, etc. and I try to spend as much time every day out, doing things. This seems to help my grief. But at night I suffer, some nights worse than others; and every morning the first thought is \"April isn\'t here\". I don\'t think that will ever change.
I\'m told by others who have been doing this for a year, two years, three years, that it gets \"gentler\" but the loss never leaves, just like a serious physical injury leaves a scar. I think we need to learn to take care of ourselves now, be gentle with ourselves, give it time and lean on God.
The HOW... what a question... day by day, minute by minute, sometimes second by second...
please don\'t feel guilty because you don\'t think of her all the time.. it is natural, at least for me.
Good luck with your surgery, and new relationship and all.. it is tough to go through so many changes at once..
Hugs, MaryLou
Yes, the how is one day at a time,, you have things in t=your life that need attending too. your health, your knee, your divorce,,,take care of things and then maybe the wieght of life will get easier and you can enjoy your son and grandkids. peace to you,,Nora
My mind is all over the place with my emotions. I miss Jackie so much. After 3 months im starting to feel anger. Why did she have to leave me. When she was younger we had our fighting. I would tell her \"Jackie, me &my mom were best friends, that\'s what I want with you\". She said \"We could never be friends\". That was about 15 years ago. Of course all that changed and she put a picture of us in a frame and engraved it\"Best friends forever\", I love you Jackie\". Thats how it lwas Me & Jackie. So much love between us. Then she got that debilitating headache and everything changed. For 2 years we suffered together. She lost everything, her job, going to the gym every day and loving it. Spending time with her gym friends. But she didn\'t lose me. WHY wasn\'t i enough for her. It had to be all the medications she was on. It had to alter her thinking. I saw her personality starting to change. So why in the world should I have a life. I can\'t grasp it. She told me in her letter that she wanted me to move out and be happy. She hinted that she didn\'t want to be a burdeon. A BURDEON.???? How could she be a burdeon. What the hell went wrong?
I need to be strong for my son & grandchildren, I love them so much. I\'m in such a bad way today. I was watching a video of Jackie & my dog that she adored. Will I really ever want to have a life. I don\'t know.
Hugging you tight dear friend, understanding all the emotions involved, and wishing so desperately I could help. All I can do is love you and offer prayers and that I assure you, I do!
Hi... I am so sorry about your beloved Jackie. She was a real friend as well as a daughter -- someone who cared about YOU as a person. She wanted you to look to the future, didn\'t she. While it\'s not possible for you to want to be happy or excited about the possibilities that lie around the corner, today, you can just take the little gifts that the universe offers. A bird on a branch, a good cup of coffee... the little things. I think our lives are made of such little things... and our healing isn\'t a big bounce but a long journey of baby steps. Wishing you some gentle support and love today.
xox Sarah
Sending love and light and wishes for moments of peace....I understand how you are hurting. Ed was my life since I was a teenager. I was blessed with only one child and now he resides in Heaven. As an adult Ed was my best friend too. The loss is devastating. But somehow we go on if only to honor our children. Jackie didn\'t leave you because she didn\'t love you. Her pain, physical and emotional took her life. I am so very sorry. Love and tight, tight hugs, Linda
The heartache seems unbearable...I had never known such pain, such absolute sorrow. And to think and even attempt to believe that life could ever be better seemed impossible. I want you to know that somehow you make it through this, that somehow you begin to see joy in things again...but it takes a long time. There is no logic in the loss of our children...there really are no answers to why or how or any other questions. Just try to do the best you can each day...just make it through...then one day something may make you laugh...and let it. Gradually life will seem better. Take gentle care of yourself...Karen
Thank you everyone for always being here when I need to talk. I am a strong woman and I know that I have to survive this for my family. My son gets so concerned if he calls and hears sadness in my voice. I try to hide it from him, but he knows. I don\'t want to upset him. He\'s going through his own grief. Everything is so confusing now and it\'s so crazy but I feel that I have no right to be happy or have a life. I know Jackie chose this. But how and when do we stop feeling this way. Thank you all, if I didn\'t have the comfort of knowing I could talk to all of you I would really go crazy.