the error of my ways... a letter

I am sorry for all of the pain I have caused you. My sweet, tender love, I never wanted you to think that I was going to abandon you. Nor did I want you to think that I do not accept and love you for every part of you. I do. I was so confused. I couldn’t understand why you loved me and yet seemed to despise me, sometimes for those very things you loved, or for other things to which I could not relate. I couldn’t understand why my actions seemed to upset you in a way that felt to me as though you thought I had betrayed you.
I am learning to understand the intensity of what is wounded inside of you. I want to learn how to show you that I am here with you. I do not blame you for what is inside of you. What I did not realize before is that I love that part of you just as much because it IS you, and has made you the man that I love.
During our conflicts I make compromises, sometimes, that I do not like, and as a result I become irritated and frustrated, and even angry. What I want to learn is how to be aware that my emotional reaction is to the result of my own decisions, and not being caused by you, and to learn how to set better boundaries for myself in a way where you can still feel assured of my love and dedication to you. If you will have me.
It would be foolish for me to think that therapy would “fix” you. I will admit that part of me is foolish enough to wish that, and that I wrongly expected that you seeking help would be the solution to helping you, and would make it easier for us to be together. For assuming this, I am deeply sorry. I know that it isn’t about repair, but acceptance and willingness on my part. Resistance to make myself equal part of this situation is the denial of my part in the relationship. Because I realize now that this wound doesn’t only live within you, it lives within us. Perhaps this is the only way this wound can survive, when there are two, when there is love in your life, which is why you say do not encounter these struggles when you are on your own. Yet I cannot imagine abandoning the love that we have. In my own heart, I cannot accept this decision. I would like to do what it takes to lessen the struggle between us. You may find it strange or silly, or you may even like this, but I consider myself married to you. Not in the sense of federal recognition for tax purposes, but in the stand-by-your-man sense, til death do us part, as in I do not believe in divorcing myself from you, but instead adapting and changing my ways. And learning to be kinder and more understanding to one another.
You asked that I not make you an identified patient. I admit that there have been times when my focus on learning to understand you has gone astray, but I don’t mean for this to happen. You are so much more to me than someone struggling with a wound or a sickness—you are beauty in my life that is peculiar, that I cherish and seek to understand. And you are also you. God damn, how I love you.
I am not sure sometimes how in myself I can handle some of our situations, and I do have to learn to stop battling you when you feel threatened, because trying to analyze or rationalize your feelings will not change the way that you feel, and may even make you feel bad for having those feelings. But you are different from me, internally and emotionally you operate differently, and because of this I often need for you to tell me what you need, because I am not able to see it myself. And it is because of this that I ask if you can acknowledge, at least within yourself, that this difference between us exists. If you feel that it is shameful to admit such a thing, I do understand, but know that I am not ashamed of you. You are brilliant and beautiful and I am so proud of you. You are the love of my life.
You also asked that I explain to you why I feel that your reactions are so hurtful: trying to make me understand the way that you feel by putting me in a painful example cannot work. Though I feel sympathy and empathy for you, because my emotions do not operate like yours, this reaction will not make sense to me. It is because of this that when you lash out or retaliate that I cannot understand why you do so. And the way I feel is hurt and confused and angry as to why you would think I am being insensitive, and why you would want to hurt me. There are times when you are upset where I feel like I cannot reach you, that anything positive that I say becomes negative or loses meaning to you. When I say something to you to be kind and show you my love, and you react this way, it is painful for me, as though I am being punished for the good. It feels as though you are trying to take the validation out of my love for you. When this happens I don’t know what to do. If you could give me some insight into your fears and your pain, not by hurting me back, but by explanation of what you are feeling deep inside yourself, I strongly believe that I can learn to understand your feelings, to accept them, and find a way to reassure you of my love and dedication to you. This may require that you be more honest about what you are feeling, or that you think harder about why you are feeling it, and I will need to do the same thing. It is a lot of work, but to me it is worth it, and my wish is that you would feel it was worth it, too. I believe that we can find a way for me to understand you without creating resentment within myself, and for you to feel safe and unashamed to tell me what you are feeling and what you need. I need to learn this as well, because I am often afraid of your reactions. I have heard you express the shame you feel when you ask certain things of me that you think I might not like or want to hear. Because of this I feel that you know that, if we stay together, I have to set some boundaries for myself. But I want to learn how to do this in a reassuring and loving and understanding way, not with anger or hostility or resentment.
I know that the more that I press you, the more that you resist, yet to me it seems that you are aware of your wound. Please let me be aware of it with you. If you leave, I fear that you will not leave the pain behind, but carry it with you, and it will still affect you, still return. I hope that you will stay with me and let me learn to understand this part of you. I would rather learn and take the time to develop the way that we communicate together than break off the relationship. And while I know that sometimes the hurt inside you will hurt and upset me, it will never make me love you any less. I have no expectations of an idealized fairy-tale relationship, but if you want someone who is not going to abandon you, who not only accepts but treasures every part of who you are, who wants to support you in times when you are feeling anything that you are feeling, I AM THE ONE.
Tell me what I can do. To understand and to help you. Tell me as best as you can and I will do what best I can. And for what you don’t know how to ask for in words I will try to learn on my own. I do not have expectations that the wound inside you will fully heal so long as you stay with me, but I do have hope that it will. And I want to be the one by your side. I love you so immensely. I love you with every cell in my body. The skin cells that I shed into dust bear your name. My heart in my chest is shaped like your face. You are my forever. My soul was waiting for you even when I was a child. I know this is true.
Please forgive me for not realizing my mistakes sooner. I hope that there is still time for us.