The Emptiness is Consuming
All night we were up and down, in and out of her room, administering different remedies included in the Hospice "Care Kit' which included, morphine, adavan, suppositories, expectants, and drops to dry up mucus that builds in the lung pipes or the mouth. It was a terror kit as far as I was concerned...because with each terror I could find some way to quell it in this hospice box.
I had to bow out and allow my husband whom I summoned on Sunday to get back here because the end was near..and I had to allow my brother, who is special needs - take the reins and talk to the hospice nurses and get direction from them on what to do next I was done cooked and fried from the last ninety days of devotional servitude to my mothers demise on earth. However, when I woke, periodically throughout the night, I just administered the medicine, and went back to bed until about 6:30 when things in the breathing world for my mom were altered and slowed down to a tempo that suggested it was over...and would be over soon.
My brother, who is special needs, is a man of routine. His routine is what keeps his sanity, it may be a form of autism, who knows...but it is what balances his world and he didn't want to rock that even if the momma was going to take her last breath, he didn't want to have his routine compromised. So my husband drove him to church...as he was gone, my mother and I shared her last moment on earth together in one intimate place in time....reserved just for us...and it was surreal and light and full of moment and it belonged to us. She took her breath...and it was just that simple. The body was left...that body I came into the world through as a portal to the now - 47 years ago - well that body was done and now my lovely mom was flying out the window - up into the blue Arizona Sky and over the United States of America and our globe to the heavens ....
I yelled in the room, "You are FREE! FLY and know that we will be fine here..." I just hope she comes back when we call on her for help and guidance...I just hope she knows now just how amazing her time was for all of us...in our hearts I will always adore and belong to her...and I will always wonder what she would say or do in any given situation. But now, the powers that be, think I can be on my own. Parentless on earth...and a parent myself. And a wife and a sister...but I am no longer a daughter...and today my daughterness flew away with my momma...
Thanks for letting me just spill it out. It is a day of days in a year of years. It is this time i will mourn as it melts into nothingness and the pain goes and becomes a distant memory. Today this pain is my pain, and it cries for the longing of being loved through the eyes of a mother.
I had to bow out and allow my husband whom I summoned on Sunday to get back here because the end was near..and I had to allow my brother, who is special needs - take the reins and talk to the hospice nurses and get direction from them on what to do next I was done cooked and fried from the last ninety days of devotional servitude to my mothers demise on earth. However, when I woke, periodically throughout the night, I just administered the medicine, and went back to bed until about 6:30 when things in the breathing world for my mom were altered and slowed down to a tempo that suggested it was over...and would be over soon.
My brother, who is special needs, is a man of routine. His routine is what keeps his sanity, it may be a form of autism, who knows...but it is what balances his world and he didn't want to rock that even if the momma was going to take her last breath, he didn't want to have his routine compromised. So my husband drove him to church...as he was gone, my mother and I shared her last moment on earth together in one intimate place in time....reserved just for us...and it was surreal and light and full of moment and it belonged to us. She took her breath...and it was just that simple. The body was left...that body I came into the world through as a portal to the now - 47 years ago - well that body was done and now my lovely mom was flying out the window - up into the blue Arizona Sky and over the United States of America and our globe to the heavens ....
I yelled in the room, "You are FREE! FLY and know that we will be fine here..." I just hope she comes back when we call on her for help and guidance...I just hope she knows now just how amazing her time was for all of us...in our hearts I will always adore and belong to her...and I will always wonder what she would say or do in any given situation. But now, the powers that be, think I can be on my own. Parentless on earth...and a parent myself. And a wife and a sister...but I am no longer a daughter...and today my daughterness flew away with my momma...
Thanks for letting me just spill it out. It is a day of days in a year of years. It is this time i will mourn as it melts into nothingness and the pain goes and becomes a distant memory. Today this pain is my pain, and it cries for the longing of being loved through the eyes of a mother.
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