the days just go on...
There is no joy in anything anymore. Not even the horses. I went riding last night...it should have been relaxing and instead I kept getting texts from my ex so even that was stressful. He suddenly has decided I have someone else and that I am happy now. He is too busy to come over tonight now so I guess I don't even need to tell him I was dating. I realized when I read my last entry that it seemed like this new guy and I were going to have something going. I am probably going to tell him that I don't want to see him again this weekend when he gets back. I am not ready for anything like that..it was more about the breakthrough that I had not even realized I was missing that kind of affection. Even that is not real though. In the end I guess the point is that nothing I have done makes me happy. Happiness may not be possible for someone like me anymore. I am tired of dealing with people and pretending I care to socialize. This might work out for the best. My ex may stay away now and I think I can just pay to have the dog boarded at the vet's office while I have my surgery. When they call me back to finalize the surgery I am going to ask but I think I should be ok when it's time to send me home to just take a cab.
Now if I can just make it through the next couple of days til the weekend when I can hole up in my apartment and rest.
Now if I can just make it through the next couple of days til the weekend when I can hole up in my apartment and rest.
Replies
Don\'t be so hard on yourself. You will be better off not seeing your ex. He does not sound healthy at all for u. You will be happy. You can still see this new guy just take it slow or slow it down. You don\'t have to end it. The affection is something u need and we all need in life. Even if we don\'t think so. Trust me on this. Just concentrate on getting through with your surgery and let the rest go for now. You must stay positive and don\'t ever give up on your happiness. Take careand best of luck!! Later
Dear Freaky,
You can not find happiness in a relationship until your happy with yourself. Then and only then can you experience joy. The set up is perfect, after the operation use the recovery time to do some deep introspection. You can borrow one of the rules that I now make myself live by. \"Never treat yourself worse than you would a perfect stranger\". If someone came to my door and begged a meal I would not make them eat out of the pan I am cookinng in. I would set a place for them, so I make myself set a place for myself. Why should anyone treat you better than they see you treating yourself? So treat yourself well Freaky so others learn to as well. Eric
Oh my, I do so hope everything settles and happiness comes into your life.
I know with being so ill most of the time and coping in crisis by myself it has been a nightmare but even with it being this difficult I still live with hope of life improving. I\'m too ill to even work and so often stuck sick in bed but hope seems to be ever present even in this nightmare reality after the death of my husband. When the social worker told me she wants me to have in-home support services but then explained I had to be below $2,000.00 in total assets to qualify for the program I realized NO ONE coping with severe disability as a homeowner alone lives on less than $2,000.00 in total assets. They would at least have to have family to stash excess assets with to allow them to qualify for the needed help. What a nightmare this is but still there is hope.
((hugs)) hoping life improves soon.
:-) Patricia