The day has passed

So the day has passed, I'm still here. Nothing has changed. I haven't lost anything, haven't gained anything. I didn't go to work, which my colleagues were shocked by. I'm usually that workaholic colleague that shows up to work even when they're dying. So for me to call in sick is off the chart abnormal. Even my parents were surprised. I told them I had a couple vacation days that will go to waste if I don't use them up now. 
Surprisingly though, I didn't spend my day in bed. I got up around 10 and cleaned out my closet brought out the winter clothes and packed up all the summer stuff. Then I took a long hot shower, did a body scrub, etc and went to a nearby clinic. I've been saying I want to go get tests done for a while. Just regular vitamin and shit. So I got the dr to write up the stuff n went got tested. Had lunch with my family -which I don't normally do on weekdays cause I'm at the office at this time- and then chilled at home with my dad for a bit. Later in the evening I took my siblings and got us some frappacinos and visited my grandma.

So basically, I kept myself busy; but I thought about him a lot. Thought about what happened, how I could've prevented it, how I could've reacted, and played a million different scenarios of what may have happened in the time frame I can't remember. It hurt.

I got texts from my friends asking what the fuck is wrong with me and that I shouldn't isolate myself and deal with things on my own. That felt good. To be reminded that I have people like them in my life. I really wanted to talk to them about it, but can't stand that look of pitty. I'm ashamed of what happened. Not to mention I don't think I can retell the story and look them in the eye and be normal afterwards. Hell, I no longer feel comfortable going onto R's office. After telling her what I remember last session, I could barely look up. And now I'm wondering how I'm going back there tomorrow because I feel naked. I feel open. Vulnerable. Ashamed.

Regardless of how I felt all day, my anxiety is sky high right now. I planned to sleep early but the moment I got into bed my heart began to race. My head began to pound, images began to flash and the thoughts just rush in. Not just related to that night. But a general overflow of emotions, thoughts, bruises and pain all intertwined with one another. Once again, I dodnt know where to go and found myself writing on here...

I keep trying to remind myself that the day has passed. Darek is not here. I don't know the story and hence cannot continue to relive a memory of something that probably didn't happen. Unfortunately, I'm so messed up that doesn't matter. It still hurts. I'm still weak. I'm still the same person.

I survived today, but just barely.