The Dark Place

So I am definitely in the dark place again, even with talking about seeing my Rapist and seeing my therapist who was actually awake the other day, but its all still there deep inside me and I can't seem to get rid of it.  I know I need to cry it out and feel my feelings but well that is why I have a conversion\FND disorder.  Because I bury stuff in the deepest recesses of my soul, and right now I'm in the dark place.  I don't have a plan or anything and I won't be making one, but its that place where my whole existence comes into question.  Would anybody miss me, why am I here?  If I was gone would anybody really notice?  To be fair I think a few would actually notice but its life and no matter what happens this damn earth keep spinning and life goes on.  I learned that when my grandfather died.  Nothing stops life as a whole, the world keeps spinning and people keep doing what they do.  It just seems pointless sometimes and why the fuck should I have to feel this much pain.  Why do I have to fight so hard to be normal?  WHY WHY WHY!!!!!  I know I won't feel like this forever but right now it feels like I will.  Jesus fuck he was so god damned close to me, like almost brushed shoulders with me, and It ALL has come back, the terror of not knowing who had a knife to my neck, the terror of not knowing if my 9-month-old baby was alive or dead, the terror of him wanting to take me with him.  The terror of not knowing where that god damned knife was.  The terror of knowing he wasn't hiding his face so I would die eventually.  Knowing, after all, was said and done that he had stalked me for at least two weeks prior to breaking into my apartment.  Its been 23 fucking years and there are still things I can't do because I feel vulnerable.  Having that bastard so close to me just makes me feel even that more vulnerable.  I'm scared in the house, I'm scared outside the house.  Frankly, the only place I am not scared is work.  We have cams on all entrances, an alarm system if any windows or doors are breached and a panic button.  But everywhere else, I don't feel safe.  I feel like my time could come at any moment so why not do it now, living in fear is not living.  I have done everything the docs have told me.  I know how to use a gun, I have exit plans in the house, I know to keep an extra phone somewhere hidden for a 911 call if I have to make a run to hide in the bathroom.  I know to be cautious when I do go out, I know not to take the same route every time I go somewhere.  My facebook is locked down tight, and I keep a low profile, no electric bills etc in my name where I live.  I have a lab/boxer mix to keep me company and I have Jason here most of the time who would damn sure shoot a motherfucker if needed.  And I still don't feel safe, because the world isn't safe no matter where you go.  God could smite me down anytime, so what the fuck is the purpose.  Even if I go with my kids would miss me, Jason would miss me, my mom and sister would miss me etc. etc, I have purpose in life doing the job I do....well if I died tomorrow it would suck for a little while, but as both kids are almost grown, the world would keep spinning and eventually they would go back to leading there lives.  It's not like I see much of anybody since Jason, and he's a good guy, he would have no problem finding someone else to keep him company.  So then why the fuck do I keep on living when it would be so easy not to.  And this part might not make much sense, but I went five fucking years without meds, and then shit hit the fan with having to try to stop a suicide attempts at my last job along with witnessing one consumer beating another with a two by four, and then that same week or so my Father tried to commit suicide, and I just lost shit and I can't seem to get it back, I don't know how to put me back together again.  I don't know how to unbreak me again.  I have all these damn coping skills from all the years of therapy and inpatient treatment and I DON"T KNOW HOW TO PUT ME BACK TOGETHER AGAIN, maybe I could only do it once, what if I am so broken now that there is no fixing me.  What if this is the best it gets, there hasn't been a day since last November that I have been able to breathe all day, I catch myself holding my breath, I am not back on meds for depression, anxiety and sleep/bad dreams.  I do everything like I am supposed to, I'm a pro at this, but its just not working and I don't how to make it work.  Death would be peace, somedays I believe in a higher power and somedays I don't, but either way I don't think whatever comes next is painful, or full of bad memories, I don't know what it is but I don't see how it could be worse then this.  Even if we don't move on or some shit and just ceased to exist, well I could live with that too.   The one time I almost succeeded in suicide, I remember the peace that came over me, that this nightmare of a life was finally over and it was fucking wonderful.  There was no regret until they got me back, charcoaled my ass and told me that my daughter wanted to know what SHE did that was so bad I would leave her forever.  So I haven't tried again since.  But she is all grown with her own life now, and my son is almost all grown and lives with his Dad.  So I am having a really hard time using that as a reason why not too.  No worries, I won't, I just want to.  I know its part of my suiced ideation in full fucking effect.  Think I am going to go cry it out now.  Fuck Life!