The Dark Curtain of Depression
I'm not a stranger to depression. I've struggled with it on and off in my life but usually I can work through it with if not a wonderful outcome at least a positive outcome.
I must say that March 16, 2003 is a dark day in my life but for the 4 years before is when this lengthy depression appeared. I think I looked at Randy Lee's addiction struggle as a reflection on myself. That I somehow wasn't able to "save" him or "cure" him because what mom can't fix something their child is dealing with in their life?
I did therapy those 4 years ~ and I do credit Ms Lil with raising me up more times that I thought possible. She listened, advised, guided, educated and most of call ~ she cared. She made me see that while the mom in me expected to fix it all, the survivor in me knew it wasn't my battle. As much as I would have taken it on in a heartbeat to save Randy Lee from living it -- I would have 100 times over but I couldn't.
The 16th marks 13 years Randy Lee lost his battle. That first year I honestly wanted to join him. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to die for failing him. I wasn't the perfect mom ~ I never was.
This year it's been so difficult I honestly have dropped to my knees begging for the end. It all started in September - he would have turned 31. I watch his friends live their lives, get married, have children, live ... and while I'm blessed many include me and I'm grateful I also long to see Randy Lee have all of that. He never will.
My heart just aches. I can't really explain it other than to say it's a heavy feeling I lug around every day while I put on the "I'm fine" face I've perfected. I've done well with shutting out those that were able to see past the mask I wear so I don't have to admit my feelings but it makes a lonely life. I'm either not as good at it or some people have slipped beyond that wall because they keep asking me "are you doing okay?" or "I'm worried". My heart just whispers "me too" when what I want to do is scream "NO! I'M NOT! I NEVER WILL BE AGAIN". But I don't.
Today I got the news that a bright, friendly, sweet young man lost his battle with life. He was doing so well. On to a better job, getting along w/ his boys moms and seeing them more, found that lady that made him feel complete then his mom passed away. His rock - the person who loved him no matter his mistakes. He buried her last Thursday and you could just hear the "broken-ness" in him. He threw all of his sobriety and clean count out the window - 1 use - 1 hit and dead. What a waste.
Why do I bother? What do I go to work every day to TRY to help people who struggle with addictions & mental health when it's all gone in a heart beat? A second that you can't get back and for what? WHAT?
I've had people come back to me and tell me something I've said or something I've done has helped them. That they are where they are because I believed in them. Maybe I believe in something that doesn't exist. Maybe I'm something that doesn't exist.
I'm not contemplating suicide. I have lost faith in a lot of things but I know I want to see my son again and in order to do that I can't take my own life. It's the living part that's hard.
My son remains my heart & soul. He is my one true love. Randy Lee wasn't perfect, none of us are but he was perfection to me. Life without him is empty, sad, lonely. I do have memories, photos, trinkets but the one thing I want most I can't have.
I must say that March 16, 2003 is a dark day in my life but for the 4 years before is when this lengthy depression appeared. I think I looked at Randy Lee's addiction struggle as a reflection on myself. That I somehow wasn't able to "save" him or "cure" him because what mom can't fix something their child is dealing with in their life?
I did therapy those 4 years ~ and I do credit Ms Lil with raising me up more times that I thought possible. She listened, advised, guided, educated and most of call ~ she cared. She made me see that while the mom in me expected to fix it all, the survivor in me knew it wasn't my battle. As much as I would have taken it on in a heartbeat to save Randy Lee from living it -- I would have 100 times over but I couldn't.
The 16th marks 13 years Randy Lee lost his battle. That first year I honestly wanted to join him. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to die for failing him. I wasn't the perfect mom ~ I never was.
This year it's been so difficult I honestly have dropped to my knees begging for the end. It all started in September - he would have turned 31. I watch his friends live their lives, get married, have children, live ... and while I'm blessed many include me and I'm grateful I also long to see Randy Lee have all of that. He never will.
My heart just aches. I can't really explain it other than to say it's a heavy feeling I lug around every day while I put on the "I'm fine" face I've perfected. I've done well with shutting out those that were able to see past the mask I wear so I don't have to admit my feelings but it makes a lonely life. I'm either not as good at it or some people have slipped beyond that wall because they keep asking me "are you doing okay?" or "I'm worried". My heart just whispers "me too" when what I want to do is scream "NO! I'M NOT! I NEVER WILL BE AGAIN". But I don't.
Today I got the news that a bright, friendly, sweet young man lost his battle with life. He was doing so well. On to a better job, getting along w/ his boys moms and seeing them more, found that lady that made him feel complete then his mom passed away. His rock - the person who loved him no matter his mistakes. He buried her last Thursday and you could just hear the "broken-ness" in him. He threw all of his sobriety and clean count out the window - 1 use - 1 hit and dead. What a waste.
Why do I bother? What do I go to work every day to TRY to help people who struggle with addictions & mental health when it's all gone in a heart beat? A second that you can't get back and for what? WHAT?
I've had people come back to me and tell me something I've said or something I've done has helped them. That they are where they are because I believed in them. Maybe I believe in something that doesn't exist. Maybe I'm something that doesn't exist.
I'm not contemplating suicide. I have lost faith in a lot of things but I know I want to see my son again and in order to do that I can't take my own life. It's the living part that's hard.
My son remains my heart & soul. He is my one true love. Randy Lee wasn't perfect, none of us are but he was perfection to me. Life without him is empty, sad, lonely. I do have memories, photos, trinkets but the one thing I want most I can't have.
Replies
Oh how I understand your journal. You have spoken the truth of our hearts. The memories are the only joy left. Wishing you some peace!!! Hugs, xoxox
I can so identify with your feelings. Pretending you are fine so other people won\'t worry is exhausting. Love and tight hugs, Paula
Understanding what you are feeling, I think. Pretending you are okay is exhausting and while I would not trade the memories for anything, they are all I have left. Sending you hugs of compassion, Leda
Hoping you can find someone like that Ms. Lil now. I have found that there are many times on this path that I need to seek out new avenues of healing. Kind of like the tools that I have aren\'t feeling as \"sharp\" and are \"dull\" and I must switch things up a bit. For me, not feeling isolated and sharing is how I work myself out of it. If others are noticing it\'s an invitation to you to let them know how you truly are in this moment. You never know that by you doing that what they might need to share with you and the vulnerability and caring of broken hearts is tended to together.
Who YOU are and what YOU do matters. That young man was not a waste nor were your efforts wasted on him. The pain just became too unbearable after the loss of his mom and he fell back into what he knew. You are doing this for YOU and the work that you do is healing you one tiny moment at a time. None of the goodness, empathy and your heart with ears is in vain, and yes, sometimes the outcomes are not what was wanted, yet please know with all of your heart that what you are doing matters and that it\'s a time when Randy Lee and you are partners in the business of healing hearts. What a valuable and amazing team you two are.
Please do everything that you can for yourself and know that you are loving cared for here and understood. Depression is wicked and everything looks gray. May you begin to see and feel some color back in your life as you are so very deserving of that. For me, I have to look into each layer, physical, emotional and spiritual and ask each one what it needs. It\'s ongoing and always changing, yet worth the asking I have found.
Loving care,
XO Joanie
We have all been there. We will never \"get over it\". It is especially hard on our kids \"angel day\". Love, Katrina
My son would have been 30 Feb. 11th. Many of his friends are also getting married, having children, establishing careers. All the things we had hopes and dreams for our child will never be. I find the happy events make me miss him more and feel so sad on what he is missing.
You have helped many with their struggle of addiction and it\'s such a shame that the young man slipped with his clean lifestyle. His love for his mother must have been so close.
Sending you hope and love to your special one true love, Randy Lee
Debbie