The Crazy Wall
Well, it's been quite a while since I've been on here. I've been doing pretty good...actually very well since my last entry. But lately at work I've been feeling like the inner darkness I have is scratching on the crazy wall in my head and she wants to come out and play.
I have been having to work for weeks under pressure with other women, including my best friend, Tanya, and that stupid spider bitch. And even though it doesn't seem like it's so bad, I can't stand being with them for long periods of time. I don't know what it is about being around other women that makes me want to kill someone, but it just happens to be my trigger. Unfortunately, I have about three more weeks max doing this shit...and I already feel completely drained. I almost lost control yesterday. To calm myself down and relieve some stress, I went shopping today with my four year old. It wasn't bad. But I need some time just for myself. I do feel a lot better. But I know she's going to want to come out and play.
I will be on here for the next three weeks or so because this place is a safe place for me to use as an outlet. I write my journal entries and listen to my "anger music", which is, of course, mostly metal and alternative rock. (I love it! Drowns out all the noise in my environment and helps me to think clearly.)
My poor fiance is dealing with me with great patience. He understands and I had to apologize to him a couple of times for my irrational and emotional ways. He's great. I love him to death.
On the plus side, I've started working out again. I can tell I'm getting older because my body is just brittle and can't stretch like it used to! I'm focusing my anger and craziness on positive things because if I don't, I know it'll get really bad. And I just can't let it get bad. Not when things have been so good.
If I had it my way, I would bring my machete to work. If I were queen, I'd have people dig their own holes and I would set them on fire. People need to pay for the evil they do. Too many get away with hurting innocent people. I like seeing people pay for the shit they do to others. I like to see justice done...with a hint of torment and suffering so they can actually feel something. (See, that's the darkness in me! And I smile when I type these things...)
Honestly, I can't stand seeing people hurting. At least, people I care about.
Oh, and I'm come to the conclusion that I'm an atheist. It's hard to believe a god exists with all the shit that goes on in this fucking world. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot of good, but I just see so much evil. I've been down the religious path. Religion made me make a lot of irrational choices. And the shit was confusing. So, I let it go. Fuck it. If I can't make it to "heaven" by being myself, then no thank you. I don't need to feel obligated or oppressed. Especially when there's so much judgement and hatred even though they say, "God is love." Well, it certainly doesn't seem like it...
That's all for today. I think I might actually smoke my last cigar tonight. It's very relaxing. Takes me back to my Jersey City home memories of my grandparents and my dad...still miss them very much. That will never change until the day I die...
I have been having to work for weeks under pressure with other women, including my best friend, Tanya, and that stupid spider bitch. And even though it doesn't seem like it's so bad, I can't stand being with them for long periods of time. I don't know what it is about being around other women that makes me want to kill someone, but it just happens to be my trigger. Unfortunately, I have about three more weeks max doing this shit...and I already feel completely drained. I almost lost control yesterday. To calm myself down and relieve some stress, I went shopping today with my four year old. It wasn't bad. But I need some time just for myself. I do feel a lot better. But I know she's going to want to come out and play.
I will be on here for the next three weeks or so because this place is a safe place for me to use as an outlet. I write my journal entries and listen to my "anger music", which is, of course, mostly metal and alternative rock. (I love it! Drowns out all the noise in my environment and helps me to think clearly.)
My poor fiance is dealing with me with great patience. He understands and I had to apologize to him a couple of times for my irrational and emotional ways. He's great. I love him to death.
On the plus side, I've started working out again. I can tell I'm getting older because my body is just brittle and can't stretch like it used to! I'm focusing my anger and craziness on positive things because if I don't, I know it'll get really bad. And I just can't let it get bad. Not when things have been so good.
If I had it my way, I would bring my machete to work. If I were queen, I'd have people dig their own holes and I would set them on fire. People need to pay for the evil they do. Too many get away with hurting innocent people. I like seeing people pay for the shit they do to others. I like to see justice done...with a hint of torment and suffering so they can actually feel something. (See, that's the darkness in me! And I smile when I type these things...)
Honestly, I can't stand seeing people hurting. At least, people I care about.
Oh, and I'm come to the conclusion that I'm an atheist. It's hard to believe a god exists with all the shit that goes on in this fucking world. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot of good, but I just see so much evil. I've been down the religious path. Religion made me make a lot of irrational choices. And the shit was confusing. So, I let it go. Fuck it. If I can't make it to "heaven" by being myself, then no thank you. I don't need to feel obligated or oppressed. Especially when there's so much judgement and hatred even though they say, "God is love." Well, it certainly doesn't seem like it...
That's all for today. I think I might actually smoke my last cigar tonight. It's very relaxing. Takes me back to my Jersey City home memories of my grandparents and my dad...still miss them very much. That will never change until the day I die...
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