The Anniversary of Her Death
I have been remiss at writing because my life has sped up a bit. And more so this last week. It is as if mom has given me a little bit of a push, a spiritual permission slip to start living in the new life I find myself Living; whether I ordered it or not. And instead of being anxious, I am determined to finish my work days and get on with 'it'.
A year ago today I was alone with my moms tired, and laboriously breathing body - my husband had taken my brother to Mass. (Pete is developmentally disabled and is 51 and "his person' was ALWAYS our mom.) mom was on the precipice but Raj wanted tohelp both pf us- all f us- and Pete neededRaj to drive ho to Mass so thus he went during the vet last ten minutes of her 79 year life.
I stood in the room with my mom when she was breaths from this world. She was medicated with Advan and Morphine and she was sleeping- she was not feeling the pain of leaving her body, or the emotional upheaval of leaving her loved ones behind. I only Maine her know I was there on a spiritual level, not on a physical earthly level.
So she let go
she didn't rattle
...or make any other guttural sounds ( the hospice people said she may make )...
So when she just breathed in and out her last breath - I was actually surprised and stunned when the room went quiet and became awash with golden light.
It was surreal.
The breathing - machine-like and detached from her being- had been deafening over the last four days ...had suddenly ceased. I opened the window to help her soul find its way out. (Not that it really needed me to do that.) I think Moms' soul raced off this planet -licketty split. I then just stood there sayingout loud, 'You are free now - you are free'.
Then I had time with the shell of moms former self. I anointed her feet and hands and forehead with holy water and I prayed over her lifeless form while I held and kissed her hands, and stroked her forehead.
Then I greeted my husband when he came back from taking Pete to Mass. He had one of many moments with mom, they were a duo- it was mutual love and respect. I think we both sat in the room with her body for a while, and ya know it wasn't creepy at all. She was still a familiar friend and a loved family member even though her body was lying still and vacated of her very person.
Everything belonged to that moment. And I was chosen to be the one and only with her at the moment when she left this world. I treasure her death as a tremendous gift- as the most blessed thing my mother has ever given me in this lifetime... the intimacy of sharing her death with me is profound.
It is a birth of sorts - death that is - and today, after Mass, a Rosary and many a tear, I am most grateful for the life cycle we all experience. It is becoming my experience, that through death one can experience being born into a new life. So the next thirty years of my life (if I am lucky) I will have the knowledge of truly truly standing on the shoulders of giants. All my ancestors who have come before me are part of me today. And I love my momma and I miss her - but I also celebrate her and am happy today. She didn't suffer long. In fact, most of her suffering on earth had nothing to do with her death.
Death is our most profound gift. Death welcomes one into the spiritual. God bless you momma. Keep your eyes and heart glued on me and my family for the years to come. Help me daily to do the will of God and to be of help to others. And thank you mom for your tremendous gift of Peter, my dear brother - who cannot live alone. He is a treasure. I can't wait to tell you all about it when I see you in Paradise.
A year ago today I was alone with my moms tired, and laboriously breathing body - my husband had taken my brother to Mass. (Pete is developmentally disabled and is 51 and "his person' was ALWAYS our mom.) mom was on the precipice but Raj wanted tohelp both pf us- all f us- and Pete neededRaj to drive ho to Mass so thus he went during the vet last ten minutes of her 79 year life.
I stood in the room with my mom when she was breaths from this world. She was medicated with Advan and Morphine and she was sleeping- she was not feeling the pain of leaving her body, or the emotional upheaval of leaving her loved ones behind. I only Maine her know I was there on a spiritual level, not on a physical earthly level.
So she let go
she didn't rattle
...or make any other guttural sounds ( the hospice people said she may make )...
So when she just breathed in and out her last breath - I was actually surprised and stunned when the room went quiet and became awash with golden light.
It was surreal.
The breathing - machine-like and detached from her being- had been deafening over the last four days ...had suddenly ceased. I opened the window to help her soul find its way out. (Not that it really needed me to do that.) I think Moms' soul raced off this planet -licketty split. I then just stood there sayingout loud, 'You are free now - you are free'.
Then I had time with the shell of moms former self. I anointed her feet and hands and forehead with holy water and I prayed over her lifeless form while I held and kissed her hands, and stroked her forehead.
Then I greeted my husband when he came back from taking Pete to Mass. He had one of many moments with mom, they were a duo- it was mutual love and respect. I think we both sat in the room with her body for a while, and ya know it wasn't creepy at all. She was still a familiar friend and a loved family member even though her body was lying still and vacated of her very person.
Everything belonged to that moment. And I was chosen to be the one and only with her at the moment when she left this world. I treasure her death as a tremendous gift- as the most blessed thing my mother has ever given me in this lifetime... the intimacy of sharing her death with me is profound.
It is a birth of sorts - death that is - and today, after Mass, a Rosary and many a tear, I am most grateful for the life cycle we all experience. It is becoming my experience, that through death one can experience being born into a new life. So the next thirty years of my life (if I am lucky) I will have the knowledge of truly truly standing on the shoulders of giants. All my ancestors who have come before me are part of me today. And I love my momma and I miss her - but I also celebrate her and am happy today. She didn't suffer long. In fact, most of her suffering on earth had nothing to do with her death.
Death is our most profound gift. Death welcomes one into the spiritual. God bless you momma. Keep your eyes and heart glued on me and my family for the years to come. Help me daily to do the will of God and to be of help to others. And thank you mom for your tremendous gift of Peter, my dear brother - who cannot live alone. He is a treasure. I can't wait to tell you all about it when I see you in Paradise.
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