Thanksgiving 2017

I’ve been unable to journal much again lately.  I am all over the map…some days I am fine and others I am a basket case.  So many things seem up in the air for me and the holidays only make everything seem more hopeless and sad.

I still miss him…and I hate that I still miss him.  People say, cut yourself some slack…it was 15 years out of your life and that is no small thing.  I know it’s true but I guess the fact that he moved on so quickly and is blissfully happy is still difficult to swallow.  It makes me angry for all the years I fought to try and fix things. Time I can never get back.

Now I have the added bonus of this new disease to fight…..as if meeting new people after 40 is not difficult enough.

I’ve been meeting new people and having new adventures…not sure if they are good or bad…they just are.  I am happy and peaceful one moment and then randomly lonely and crying the next.  I’ve been talking to more people directly…mostly on herpes support sites so maybe that is one reason I don’t have things inside to journal, but I WANT to keep a record.  I want to be able to look back at this time and either see improvement…or not.

I was trying to meet people on a dating site called positive singles that is for people that have STI.  If I thought other sites hardly had any people local in my area, well this is even worse.  I decided to go back on Tinder and just be blunt and put right in my profile that I have herpes and let the cards fall where they may.  I met a seemingly nice guy that says he’s not that worried about what I have and says it doesn’t define me as a person. 

In the meantime, I could tell something was wrong with my dog again so I took her into the vet.  Abscessed anal glands and 500 dollars …just another setback I did not need. Between the car and the dog that is 1500 dollars I had to stick on the visa.   

went to my mom’s in San Diego for the holiday.  It was beautiful weather…sunny and 90.

While I was down there I met three people that I had been talking to from different support sites. 

One of them was a 26 year old navy boy who also just found out he has H.  We had pie and coffee and hopefully will continue to be friends.

The second was a 33 year old guy that has had it since he was 24.  We met for breakfast at a really nice place near my mom’s and then he took me to the beach since I said I had not been there yet.  We ended up kissing and making out like we were 15.  It was really nice to just have that small amount of affection and to have him not even try to take it farther. 

The third guy is 52.  He just got it a few years ago.  He lives on a boat in San Diego and drives a limo so he really knows a lot about the city.  He admitted to me that in his earlier life he was a screw up and had been in prison for drugs but that he’s been clean for like 9 years.  He took me on a drive and showed me a lot of places briefly and we had a pretty nice time hanging out but on the way to take me back to my mom’s there was a homeless man standing in the entrance to the freeway onramp and several cars almost hit him.  Well, he rolled down the window and they were yelling at each other and then he threw the car in park and got out like he was going to fight the guy…..leaving me in the car in a bad place to be stuck right in the freeway entrance.  When he finally got back in and started to drive and said he was sorry he had let the man get to him and were we cool…I said not really..you  left me in a bad spot and were going to kick some poor guys ass just for calling you names. He dropped me at my mom’s and didn’t even say goodbye..just drove away. 

My mom was laying it on thick about not knowing how many years she has left and how much she really wants to spend that time with me.  Not that she’s trying to sway my decision or anything, LOL.

I was worried about what traffic would be like so I left my mom’s at like 4am.  The night before and during the drive I kept having random waves of anxiety. 

I’m still trying to be the sponge and figure out where I belong.  Putting myself back on the suppressive dose has calmed that part of the anxiety over my health so I will stay on them for now….especially if I am going to keep seeing this guy that doesn’t have it.  I know people say you *shouldn’t* be able to pass it from kissing but I feel better knowing I am suppressing it just in case.

The dog goes back friday for a follow up.  I am hoping no more bad news comes for a while.  I am tired of the little black cloud that follows me around.