Temptation and Action

I'm losing my mind being back home. I should've never left just because I wasn't happy back in DE. I'm even less happy here, even though my family is right in front of me. I went on a run yesterday, and all I could think when crossing the bridge was how great it would feel to feel that burst of cold water hit me as I jumped off that bridge. I think of how great it would feel to be in a car wreck wth glass and metal pinning me down and piercing my skin. I think of a lot of dark thoughts and, for some horrible reason, I crave the sensation of the physical pain.

It really makes me feel like such a twisted, sick human being. Right now I'm spiraling downhill and usually I've had an emergency brake, but I think I must've broke it because I'm speeding more and more and there's no stopping it. Nothing takes a pause and when one task is finished three more take its place.

I've wanted nothing more than to fall asleep forever, be it through pills or a coma. To just rest my eyes and let the world continue while I slept, it's really a wonder why I haven't gone farther in my attempts of self harm. The longer it takes to get settled in back home and the longer it takes to get my medical insurance switched over so I can get medication the more thoughts cross my mind of ending everything I am. Out of everything I've wanted, the thing I've wanted most is a bullet. I know all this makes me so so sick in the head, but it's just what's really been weighing on my mind. I'm just running out of the willpower to stop myself...