teach your daughters

I am truly alone.   The only person I can count on for anything is someone who punishes me for thinking or doing anything that doesn't fit with his plan.  My only parent that has ever been there is now more like the child.  So who do I turn to when things get awful...oh that's right no one.  There's just me.  It's a lesson.  When I am tough enough to leave this one I think I will be cured for good.  Someday even though I am terrified with my anxiety I will figure out how to live on my own again and still have my animals live in comfort. 
Part of the problem is growing up with TV, Movies, romance novels.  Teach your daughters....there is no prince charming and no happily ever after.  Romances are written by WOMEN. Men don't love that way.  They want to control you and crush you til you have no self esteem left and just want to crawl into a hole and die.  Or they just want to use you and leave you.  I tell the girls that sometimes although I try not to harden them too much.  I want them to know.  I don't want them to end up like me. 
All I did was suggest I might not go to the bay area with them this weekend.  There is nothing for me to do there and so much to get done at home.  Also, it's my last week of no school and I really wanted to ride the horses.  We were driving in the car to get some dinner.  Dead silence.  Instant anger.  I said I thought I could get the laundry and grocery shopping done instead of trying to get it done during the week and then I could go spend some time with the horses...instead of sitting around doing nothing while they are working on a fence.  He didn't say a word that wasn't necessary as we got our food and headed back to the house.  As soon as we got in the house and I started to feed my dog he went back out to the garage.  I fed the dog and sat down to read while I waited for him to come back in so we could eat dinner.  I know he went back out to slam a beer....that's what he does.  After 20 minutes I realized he wasn't coming in and went out to see what was up.  The garage was dark and he was not in there.  He was standing on the side of the house by the garbage cans...beer on top of the can.  Looked like he was texting.  I said "what are you doing?"  He didn't answer me..I thought maybe with the a/c running he did not hear me so I walked closer and asked again.  He says "playing poker.  why?"
I say" so , I guess you aren't coming in to eat with me?" 
"nope, I'm good"
I just turned around and walked away.  Finished putting the laundry away, sat down and ate my sandwich my myself and then went and laid down on the bed in the dark. 
He comes in later,  says.."what are you doing"
I say I'm laying here in the dark. (duh)
" I say because clearly I am in trouble for something so I thought I would send myself to my room."
You aren't in trouble...you are your own person.
I say, then Why am I getting this treatment?
He says well I think we both just had a really long day.  
yeah right
no anxiety attack yet though...I am sure that will come later.
I am truly alone



To survive and learn to live well is our goal.

Onward we march!!!

Sending you the best of thoughts.
:-) Patricia