Taking Steps

I have had many false starts in my attempt to stop lying. I have made promises that I couldn't keep. I have hurt those that cared about me most and who I cared about deeply. Today is the first day of trying something new. Writing a letter to the person I hurt, not to seek reconciliation, but to apologize and hopefully give them what they need to feel free and unburdened by what I have done. Recently I've been feeling intense amounts of remorse and regret. My misdeeds playing over and over again in my head. My addiction and issue with lying is so much deeper than lying to others. I find myself lying to me. Telling myself I am not affected by those around me. Not wanting to succumb to feelings like anger or betrayal. By bottling those feelings up and not confronting them head on I inadvertently hurt those trying to help. I have to be honest with myself. Let go of the things that hurt me and find joy in what I do every day. Otherwise I will feel like I have no other option but to lie because I want to make everyone around be happy and comfortable. I was afraid of being selfish, but now I see that being honest with myself and others does not mean I am hurting them. It means I am trying to do my best to be forthcoming and seek out the best result. I feel like I'm rambling, but just the act of putting these thoughts down allows me to make sense of them. My goal is to be honest about my feelings with others. Never acting out of anger or emotion, but when I feel hurt, angry, or betrayed taking a step back and really trying to understand where those emotions came from so I can be honest with myself and the other person to express what happened. I will fail doing at times. I will not always be the honest person I would like to be. But I can try. I can always try. I need to have faith that if I fail those around me who love me will not stop loving me. When they fall I will catch them. I will use my large and empathetic heart to help those around me and help myself.