Surgery and PTSD
I had a surgical procedure today with anesthesia to remove a cardiac monitor in my chest. The doctor came in and said that he could take it out in five minutes and he was confused about why there was anesthesia involved. I meet with the anesthesia nurse the week before and told him why I wanted it. Today was the actual surgical procedure. If today went down with him just slicing in my chest to dig out the monitor, without anesthesia, I would have gone into a panic attack halfway through. I would have broken free of him and run down the corridor with the blood rolling down my chest. I would have not calmed. I would have ended up being forcibly sedated and then probably ended up in the psych ward or strapped to a bed. I have had enough of medical care to put up with this when anesthesia is available to me I am going to take it.
It is what I know would happen. I felt like I was about to slip into a panic attack when I was on the table before the anesthesia. I had to think my way to stay out of the panic attack. Also, three Klonopin helped which is more than three-time regular dosage. I felt the pull and the descent into madness. I know the doctor thought I was crazy but he didn’t know the history and what he was dealing with.
Next,… I am done. The nightmares at night don’t stop and I am scared of the dark. I turn the light off in my bedroom and I see and hear nothing but things from this Navy PTSD. Who they think I am, what I did, how I failed the navy. I think all of this is more than just trauma but rises to the level of PTSD. I see my horror during the day and I see it at night. The nightmares and voices are don’t allow me to move on with my life. It is like each day or night I have to relive everything over again. It is not just the power of the mind like Gael wants me to employ, god I hate fortune cookie philosophy. They torture me with flashbacks during the day and nightmares at night. I know that you and xxxxxx both wish I was further along in my recovery but I am not where I should be. I feel real to burst with emotions which is rare given my childhood. I had a very strict and honor driven father, this is something that xxxxx pointed out that I rejected for many weeks. The visions don’t stop, and I hear and see everything in the darkness. This is one of the reasons I tried to commit suicide. Those reasons are valid today. Maybe I should. The Japanese code of Bushido had it right. It was their duty to commit suicide after being dishonored. Maybe they have it right. Maybe this something that I can’t recover from
Replies
Thor, I'm glad you had the anesthesia. Seems like a no-brainer; I would have had it, too.
I don't know the background to what you say here about "how I failed the navy," so I really can't speak to how it's bothering you. It's just plain to see that it is, so sending you my support without any specifics. Surviving 6 years of combat overseas as a missionary kid was plenty hard for me, and some folks don't get that because I wasn't a soldier. Whatever role we played in a theater of war, PTSD is a real legacy of it regardless.
Thor, I'd have been put under as well...crazy dr! I don't know if this is an option for you, I 'Know" a 3 time Marine who did this for his ptsd and it helped him a lot. This is a short cut from webmed. I don't know if you are able to do this or not. My friend had a specific type of therapist for ptsd while he was under with med. I only copied some of the article because the man talked of his trauma and I didn't want to put that down...he did attempt suicide 5 times. I'm glad you wrote in your journal...it's been a long t ime since you posted. I don't know if this will help or not, for me when I have bad racing thoughts, I stare, with intensity at an object...Really Focus....I like lava lamps cause they have lots of colors and I can focus on the colors as they change. My Best To You Thor!!! "Lubecky was part of a trial conducted with the government’s blessing. He went to the house-turned-clinic three times, taking a dose of MDMA in combination with an extensive psychotherapy session. The drug is a form of amphetamine known for producing a sense of openness and emotional warmth, and Lubecky said it helped him discuss his experiences without producing the kind of intense physical responses of PTSD.
“The adrenaline kick didn’t happen. The hair didn’t stand up on my neck,” he says. “It’s like doing therapy while being hugged by everyone who loves you in a bathtub full of puppies licking your face.” The therapy sessions lasted up to six hours, “but it’s not traumatic at all.”
“There was no ‘A-ha’ moment,” he says. “It was an incremental change over time, with jumps after each therapy session.”
Thor, I'm glad you posted. I have been wondering how you are doing.
I agree, anesthesia is necessary for that procedure. Who in the heck did the doctor think he was dealing with.
I know, a military individual trained to follow orders. Not in the medical treatment room (hubs was ordered to do something while he was sedated and they let me in the room because they couldn't get him to settle down-the doctor repeated his order and hubs said the usual response...I just looked at him and said --this is your wife, chill, and the doctor was so surprised he said thanks.)
One of the most difficult tasks in revealing and recovering PTSD in a safe and secure and simple treatment plan is that what is shared above, it works for the individual being treated as long as it's done in a direction that provides a path of balance for the individual. I have a former firefighter who is now a physician assistant who went through a type of therapy with several different therapy sessions of which together helped him to find his way to a better balance over a long period of time.
You are well aware of your panic attack and can describe it with exactness and empathy for the choices you had in that moment. I think a combination of therapy treatment would be successful simply because your brain is already tracking emotional, physical, mental, and the feelings associated with the moment and event.
You are NOT crazy. You are intelligent, smart, and you did your job to the best of your ability and to the standards required. You have NOT failed the Navy, or yourself. You did all you did with HONOR.
The hardest part of being honored is finding that which is still within your brain needing to be released. In finding the release, knowing that it will allow you to put those visions into a track towards time and treatment of all the emotions, feelings, thoughts, and words will give you the chance to recover a balance.
The thing about PTSD is like what Muji mentions, whatever role we play in the war theater, PTSD is a real legacy of it.
You are not alone in this.
Thor, you are not crazy and what you experienced is not your fault. It’s your PTSD telling you to feel shame and guilt where there is none. You didn’t fail. Never give up. Recovery is not forgetting what’s happened, it gaining control of your thoughts and staying in the present. I know the nightmares and flashbacks are unnerving. I have them too. I am trying to train my mind that it’s over, I am safe. Thor, you served your Country. That’s honorable, don’t let anyone tell you differently. Never give up Thor, you matter.