supposed to be studying

yeah right,  I have a quiz I going to pass it?  probably not.  I have been in such a low state all week that I simply cannot seem to retain anything.  I am anxious and cannot seem to focus on anything I am supposed to be focusing on.  I want to give up..even getting it all out in writing does not seem to help lately.   Then I see a friend here who is such a matter how badly she feels she is here every day with her little words of encouragement..why can't I be more like that?  Because I am always so wrapped up in my own depression...someone as low as I am could not possibly have words of value.  I know that I am broken and no matter what miracles I secretly dream of it is never to be.  The meds may keep me stable for the most part but when things are in complete overload as they are this week I know it for the illusion it is. 
I was thinking back on my entry from Monday and how I was falling apart in the car on the way back from the mountains..and although he held my hand and felt bad for me..still he will never understand and I am not sure he even wants to.  My friend in her journal was talking about the need to be best friends in order for a relationship to work...but we don't have that..we never had that.  I imagine that I should feel more lonely with him gone all week but the truth is that it isn't much different other than the sharing of the household chores falling all to me while he is gone.  The rest is the same...I still sleep alone each night save for the unconditional love of my dog and cats(I don't think they know they aren't supposed to like each other).  I realized on reading her words that I still have that stupid hope somewhere in the back of my head that someway..somehow I will actually allow someone in enough to be my friend and that you can have that in a relationship and it will not fade...THAT is why I am so miserable.  No matter how many times I tell myself that it's all bullshit and there is no such thing as a happy ending there is still that little girl in there that wants to believe...she really is a stupid girl...always was.  ...oh crap...maybe i'm splitting into multiple personalities..(i crack myself up).  now what was that song with all the personalities?? SheDaisy I think?  hmmm
I feel fall reminds me of the argument we had last week...he told me he's sick of me posting on facebook whenever someone shares a pic from AZ that I am sooo homesick.  He said if I feel that way I should just move back there.
It's not just the was also the time.  A time when I could disappear into the desert with my horse and unless a plane flew overhead you would think you were the last one on earth...silly tourist never ventured there when the temps were over 100. 



wow what really bothers him about u posting whatever u want? Its really none of his business, and i am sorry to say that, but thats really immature of are a woman, all women need to feel secured and safe, that little girl is in every female, ur really not alone, i went out with a guy that i KNEW right from the beginnin that we wouldn\'t make it, we had zero common interests, we were just not okay together, cant lie to you that i liked the idea that i have someone who will take care of me and will be there for me when i get a setback... He promise me at the beginnin to be there, but u kno men, ready to say anythin to date u... I used to cry a lot as he rarely showed up for me, ignored me, just used my weakness and knew that i wouldn\'t hurt him so it is okay to hurt me... I hurt myself in that relationships, the little girl in me has faced the truth face to face when he admitted not talkin to me on purpose or when he started askin me for intimate talkin... I totally kno how u feel, and havin that lil girl is nothin unusual, especially with us, the broken ones... Just keep imaginin how he would treat u, the good and the bad, try to visualize him after the first few months, he would get back to his old him, men never change... (hug) ur really not alone....and if u miss that place then ur FREE to miss whatever u want, don\'t feel ashamed from expressing ur wants or desires a thousand trillion times, so what? U miss it... Ur perfectly all right, i know people who lived here for 25 years and still miss their homes... Thats why i hate fb, i can never be the real me there, i should follow what everyone is doin, however sometimes i wanna express my sadness but i cant do that cause i would be called negative and stuff, thats why i try to post everythin private on here, with the REAL people.... Studying is a huge problem especially when ur stressed out, i face that the WHOLE time, but trust me, just please trust me from a super geek experience, when we have somethin to do we feel sooooo low and all the problems in the world just come to surface, but trust me when u get done with it ull feel happy, i promise.... kno said easier than done so those steps are what i fellow.... First start reading the first page of the very first chapters, just read it and U DON\'T HAVE TO CONCENTRATE! Then keep goin, don\'t worry if u didn\'t get a word or didn\'t memories anythin... Just keep goin, since its a quiz i am sure that there are few pages required... Then feel how it feels when u get done the first stage, u have actually done 50 of the work... Then go through it again, reading only and automatically ur more concentrating... Then try to talk to urself about the content of each page after reading it, in ur style and ur words, few words are enough... And i promise u ull be 10 times happier... Hope ull be okay, ur an awesome person :)

Not being able to prepare for passing the quiz would be very distressful for me as I am sure it must be for you also at some level. The issues you are trying to cope with are distracting you from reaching your goals in life and that is always painful. Keep sharing and venting and over time it will help you to feel better about life. You are just overwhelmed right now and the argument you had with him is affecting your mental ability to stay focused on your goals and to feel happy about life. Arguing is never good for us when we already have too much we are trying to cope with. Hang on tightly to what YOU WANT for your life and let others have their opinions and you may listen to their ideas but it is ONLY YOUR OWN IDEAS and GOALS that matter to your life. Stay completely FOCUSED on what you WANT to achieve and dont allow the thoughts of others to determine what you will or will not accomplish. You can respectfully agree to disagree and let it go at that while continuing on with what you WANT to accomplish. Dont allow for arguing and simply accept that there is a difference of opinion and proceed with what you WANT TO DO. You need to be wrapped up in what is going on in your life so you can work at making your life BETTER over time. You MUST take good care of yourself to get to where you WANT to be in your life and it is alright to feel you are broken but then you must take the needed actions to begin to fix what is broken. You can achieve this fixing by taking one small step at a time.

Dont allow his lack of having the ability to understand your goals or issues to bother you too much. Simply begin to DO what will make you happy in life and MARCH on with reaching your GOALS. You dont need anyones approval but your own and over time those that love you will get on board with where you are at and with what you want to accomplish. His disagreeing with you may be more about his own insecurities than anything to do with you. Just set those differences aside for now and precede with what you WANT to accomplish and in time it will all begin to work out.

Arguing is always so very stressful and painful. Allow him to simply have his differences of opinion and proceed to do what is best for you and he may begin to see you as a determined, strong person that knows your own mind and then will lend his support. Right now he may see himself as a guiding force in your life when what you need is to be your own guiding force and simply allow him to appreciate what you are accomplishing without placing him in the position of feeling that you need him to do any of the leading or guiding as you are perfectly capable of doing the guiding for yourself. Become your own self-determined, strong women where you depend on your own final say as to what is best for you. Once he sees you do not him to lead the way perhaps that will free him up to be more supportive of what you WANT to accomplish because you no longer are depending on him to make those decisions for you or even with you but only need him to appreciate what you have decided to accomplish. It is YOU ALONE that makes the decisions that affect your life and what you CHOOSE to accomplish. You dont need anyone else to decide for you as you are perfectly capable of deciding for yourself.

You are in the drivers seat of your life and only need him to admire where you are heading but you do not need him to be a back seat driver telling you where to go or how to get there for you are perfectly capable of getting yourself to where you want to be in your life. Perhaps you have given him the power to choose what is best for you and you need to keep that power of choice just for yourself because you know better than anyone what it is you want to accomplish in your life and you dont need anyone else making those decisions for you. Once he sees you do not need him to do the leading that will free him up to set back and admire you for being a strong, self-determined person that KNOWS what you want and how to go about accomplishing your lifes goals. He may then be able to give you the support you need in admiring you for being a self-determined, strong person that knows your own mind and what it is you want to accomplish with your life.

Be very good to yourself as you rest up and then jump back on that horse of life and go for the best ride you have ever had.

Gentle ((hugs))
:-) Patricia