supposed to be studying
yeah right, I have a quiz tomorrow...am I going to pass it? probably not. I have been in such a low state all week that I simply cannot seem to retain anything. I am anxious and cannot seem to focus on anything I am supposed to be focusing on. I want to give up..even getting it all out in writing does not seem to help lately. Then I see a friend here who is such a trooper..no matter how badly she feels she is here every day with her little words of encouragement..why can't I be more like that? Because I am always so wrapped up in my own depression...someone as low as I am could not possibly have words of value. I know that I am broken and no matter what miracles I secretly dream of it is never to be. The meds may keep me stable for the most part but when things are in complete overload as they are this week I know it for the illusion it is.
I was thinking back on my entry from Monday and how I was falling apart in the car on the way back from the mountains..and although he held my hand and felt bad for me..still he will never understand and I am not sure he even wants to. My friend in her journal was talking about the need to be best friends in order for a relationship to work...but we don't have that..we never had that. I imagine that I should feel more lonely with him gone all week but the truth is that it isn't much different other than the sharing of the household chores falling all to me while he is gone. The rest is the same...I still sleep alone each night save for the unconditional love of my dog and cats(I don't think they know they aren't supposed to like each other). I realized on reading her words that I still have that stupid hope somewhere in the back of my head that someway..somehow I will actually allow someone in enough to be my friend and that you can have that in a relationship and it will not fade...THAT is why I am so miserable. No matter how many times I tell myself that it's all bullshit and there is no such thing as a happy ending there is still that little girl in there that wants to believe...she really is a stupid girl...always was. ...oh crap...maybe i'm splitting into multiple personalities..(i crack myself up). now what was that song with all the personalities?? SheDaisy I think? hmmm
I feel fall coming...it reminds me of the argument we had last week...he told me he's sick of me posting on facebook whenever someone shares a pic from AZ that I am sooo homesick. He said if I feel that way I should just move back there.
It's not just the place...it was also the time. A time when I could disappear into the desert with my horse and unless a plane flew overhead you would think you were the last one on earth...silly tourist never ventured there when the temps were over 100.
I was thinking back on my entry from Monday and how I was falling apart in the car on the way back from the mountains..and although he held my hand and felt bad for me..still he will never understand and I am not sure he even wants to. My friend in her journal was talking about the need to be best friends in order for a relationship to work...but we don't have that..we never had that. I imagine that I should feel more lonely with him gone all week but the truth is that it isn't much different other than the sharing of the household chores falling all to me while he is gone. The rest is the same...I still sleep alone each night save for the unconditional love of my dog and cats(I don't think they know they aren't supposed to like each other). I realized on reading her words that I still have that stupid hope somewhere in the back of my head that someway..somehow I will actually allow someone in enough to be my friend and that you can have that in a relationship and it will not fade...THAT is why I am so miserable. No matter how many times I tell myself that it's all bullshit and there is no such thing as a happy ending there is still that little girl in there that wants to believe...she really is a stupid girl...always was. ...oh crap...maybe i'm splitting into multiple personalities..(i crack myself up). now what was that song with all the personalities?? SheDaisy I think? hmmm
I feel fall coming...it reminds me of the argument we had last week...he told me he's sick of me posting on facebook whenever someone shares a pic from AZ that I am sooo homesick. He said if I feel that way I should just move back there.
It's not just the place...it was also the time. A time when I could disappear into the desert with my horse and unless a plane flew overhead you would think you were the last one on earth...silly tourist never ventured there when the temps were over 100.
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